Where the hell have I been?

No seriously, if you know, please raise your hands, because it seems like days and weeks have gone by with me standing here going “wait, what?”

I’ve been super busy, once again. I figured I should probably fix up the spare room in my apartment given that I’d nailed up a bunch of wood and left the cardboard tile ceiling a little on the saggy side. I shanghied a handy pair of friends into helping me last weekend and then tagged along on their trip to the Junction Arts Festival for honey-and-lavender ice cream, random fridge art and copious amounts of bureks and perogies. Every Saturday I’ve been at May’s for knitting and pie (one hideous cardigan finished, one super cute hoodie about halfway there!), there’s been a trip to Niagara for Talea’s wedding plans, dinners with family and a ton of baking for corporate client events. Oh yeah, and I’ve got a boyfriend to spend with too! Josh has been busy building an extra room onto his brothers house with him (today: stairs) so I try to line up my free time with his as often as I can. I haven’t even had time to do grocery shopping – and I do my groceries online! It’s been sad amounts of takeout this past week for me.

There’s been zero time for blogging, or even time for structured thought on anything I’d like to blog about. So what do I do when I don’t have time to type? I post pictures. Much, much less time consuming.

Since I haven’t had time for groceries, I thought it would be good to remind myself that yes, at times, I have consumed real food. In that spirit, here are some pictures of me eating whilst on my not-so-recent vacation – have I mentioned I’m already in dire need of another? Also included are pictures of me about to eat, having just eaten, or generally in the midst of an eating type environment. You can’t visit the south without taking a bite, and Josh and I do love our delicious meal times.


Eating it up at the almost-in-laws

Eating it up at the almost-in-laws


My southern man frying up some plantains for breakfast

My southern man frying up some plantains for breakfast

French toast? Or maybe Quebecois toast...

French toast? Or maybe Quebecois toast...

Mmm, breakfast! With a side of white trash bra.

Mmm, breakfast! With a side of white trash bra.

Out for Japanese on our date night <3

Out for Japanese on our date night ❤

Edamame! I don't think Josh had seen them before. I have two kinds in my freezer.

Edamame! I don't think Josh had seen them before. I have two kinds in my freezer.

We rode from dinner to the movies - even though it was in the same plaza.

We rode from dinner to the movies - even though it was in the same plaza.

Bean dip!

Bean dip!

Mmmmm ^_^

Mmmmm ^_^

Brought to You By the Letters E and K

So I was over at 2LD a long ass time ago, but sometimes I’m lazy and most times Josh is very busy the other day. She had a meme going on with letters, and I thought “Well. I’m just going to have to get in on that.” It involves having a letter picked out for you, and then fulfilling the task of listing about 10 items you love that start with that letter. Foregoing the general instruction of asking her for a randomly assigned letter, I pretty much planted my flag in the letter E and asked her to instead assign one to Josh. It’s mad fun times when Josh and I co-write, but he’s usually so busy with work, legal matters, and other things necessary to get our asses together. So when I’m craving some blog-world man-attention, I find memes are a good fun way to have some kicks without actually having to, you  know, think of our own ideas 😛

She assigned him a K, which I feel is nicely paired with the E so clearly designed for yours truly. Let’s see what the results are!

Emerald says: Firstly, how much do I love that both of our letters could also be in reference to drug usage?

Josh says:
Hey now, don’t give away any hints as to what I’m putting on my list dammit!

Ha, okay, I’ll be quiet. Although I wouldn’t think anything like that would be surprising coming from you.

So uh, you want to start off this list of awesome crap starting with E and K or should I?

You can go first.

K is for Ketamine, which get’s cats high, and sometimes people in the suburbs too.

Haha, suburbs. Your suburbs are nothing like ours. Our suburbs suck. You have to drive around looking for kids hanging out near parks instead of just going up the street like sensible adults. In that theme, I will say Ecstasy. The drug itself can be either awesome or rat poison, depending on the mood of whoever cooked it up in their bathtub. Or I could get all emo and romantic, but who would I be kidding?

K is for Knights, because they wear armor and chop people apart for a living. Not to mention the fact that they kill dragons, which are universally accepted as the most badass monsters ever to walk the face of the planet, and as a reward they bang damsels all over the countryside. Knights rule.


There are also many modern day knights who are pretty cool. Anthony Hopkins is a knight. E is for Emerald, cause firstly I rule, knighted or not. And they make pretty good jewels too, I guess.

He’s not shit compared to Lemmy from Motorhead, he should really be a knight. Or Jason Statham. So uh, what else starts with a K?  This is going to be hard, I suppose we should have put some thought into our lists instead of winging it like we always do.

 K is for Killers, who kill people to death. Because without killers there would be no horror movies, and without horror movies where would I get my gratuitous gore and nudity?

That is a very good and also philosophical point. How would we recognize or enjoy what is good, or even know what it really is if there were no bad with which to contrast it? We need crazies and psychopaths. Just, you know, on someone else’s block.

E = mc2, because I don’t have a ‘squared’ button, and also knowledge is cool. I’m also more of a fan of the scientific mathematical explanation of things. At least in terms of the universe and energy, and all that jazz.

What? That wasn’t my point at all, I was giving a big old salute to all those badass killers out there, mainly so I wouldn’t plagiarise Maddox from his alphabet of manliness when he said K was for kicking ass. (damn you maddox!)

Oh. Reference fail.

It wasn’t a reference, but I wasn’t what was good by pointing out the bad or whatever you said, i was actually hailing the bad.

*Josh and Em both take a moment to agree that Josh totally failed on that last sentence, and then continue onwards*

You should read my A – Z encyclopedia of serial killers.

Alrighty, K is for Krusty, cause I know how much you would felate the Simpsons if they were real.

Dude, you have no idea how much I was already thinking that. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say E is for “Exxxxcellent” in all it’s many forms.

Right on, Well K is for Karate and Kung-Fu, the holy mediums which introduced the western world to martial arts through cheesy ass movies like the Flying Guillotine.

I love that we’re going to watch Kung-Fu movies in bed.

And act out Kung Fu movies in bed, did I mention that?

You did. My general priciple is “don’t leave any marks I can’t cover up or explain easily the next day.”

None of our moans wil synch up with out mouths.

Haha, that too! E is for encyclopedia, because I’m a nerd who will read through an encyclopedia or dictionary for kicks. Also because my encyclopedia, as mentioned, is exclusively about crime and serial killers.

That helps I’m sure. K is for Kalashnikov’s automatic rifle model of year 1947, AKA the AK-47. Thanks to Hollywood this is globally known as the single coolest rifle ever made, and thanks to human violence, the single most popular rifle on the planet (I think). It resists wear and tear, fires in almost any conditions, and is simple enough for a seven year old child to be taught how to dismantle, clean, reassemble, and fire it.

Well shit, I was going to say elephants, but that just won’t cut it after that. Let me get my damn dictionary. Encyclopedia, whatever…

Shit, there are only two entries for “E” in this thing, and I can’t say I’m a huge fan of ‘execution’. I’m going to have to go with ‘Entertainment”. I would go crazy if I didn’t have something constantly distracting me from the chatter in my head. Thanks, television!

Alright, K is for the KKK, the most hilarious hate group between the Third Reich and Al Quaeda.

I would call them the most poorly dressed, but whatever. Seriously, did someone actually look in the mirror and think “Sheets, yeah, that’ll be our thing!” That’s like trying to start a hardcore violent gang and thinking “Fuschia, yes!!!”

E is for eating, I’m a pretty big fan of that.

White is such a bad color choice for night stealth, and not to mention how dirty you must get the robes during lynchings. And who voted on the dunce hat? WTF?

I know!!! The hat, why??? Ugh. Anyways, your turn.

Ok, K is for Krokus who coverd one of the koolest sogs of all time, Ballroom Blitz.

Oh no way, I love Ballroom Blitz! The first time I heard it was in Wayne’s World, when Crucial Taunt sang it.

*five minute interlude for music appreciation time*

Hell yeah! \m/> <\m/

That was pretty good, though my favourite will always be Tia Carrere.

Of course, how could she not be. I’m stretching for K’s here shug.

Yeah, I’m still stuck on elephants. How far along are we? Count for me honey, I’ve had several glasses of wine.

I have done eight, you have done seven.

I’m going to go with Electricity. I’d be pretty fucked without it. Of course, once you get here we could live in a shack in the woods with a well for all I care. But for right now, I’m pretty fucked when I knock my power out. Unless whoever that person is nearby who is stupid enough to have an unsecured network open happens to be online.

Eight now.

Ok, so two more. Ooh, eccentricity! I has it!

I want everything in this picture. Consider it a 10 year goal.

I want everything in this picture. Consider it a 10 year goal.

Ok, let me go with Katherine Heigl, because I totally had a TV crush on her back when she was the stuck up bitch on Roswell, waaaaaay before Knocked up or Scrubs.










I don’t think she was on Scrubs…







*It is eventually determined that these are from another, less hilarious medically-themed show. Probably ER.*

Ha, I told you she wasn’t on scrubs. Are you thinking of the other blonde chick on scrubs? Elliot?

Negative, I was thinking of Heather Graham.

Cause Eliot’s cute but not super hot. But whatever, and either way that’s an E. But I don’t like her enough to use that as my last E choice. And I’m going to have to say a full negative to Heather Graham. She’s terrible in everything she’s ever done, ever, and at least Katherine Heigl has some boobage.

So a threesome with Heather Graham is out then?

Unless a threesome involves me punching her in the face. Why can’t we have Katherine Heigl?

Sold! To the lady with the big knockers!

Sweet, that’s totally me.

Thinking of ten K words that are cool is really hard. I’m going over all the things in my head now. Kalvin and Hobbes, Katterpillar heavy machinery, spaniKopida, everything I can think of starts with a damn C. Wait, no genius struck me at the last second. K stands for Klingons eating Klondike bars, because I fucking dare you to think of something cooler that starts with a K, especially after drinking rum.

 klingon klondike

That is a pretty cool visual. And as I’m headed for the last of a bottle of wine, I’m going to go ahead and cop out with “Existence.” It’s pretty bad-ass right now.

True dat, much better than that whole non-existence phase you went through. I found it to be much adieu about nothing, hmmm, jes?

Well I could also say “Existentialism” but let’s face it, they’re annoying. And right now, the extent of my existence is sitting on a couch in my underwear finishing off a bottle of wine while my hot boyfriend who’s willing to switch countries to be with me stares at my boobs. I’m thinking that’s a-ok my friend.

Me too, we’re going to have a lot of fun existing.

Alright, well what say we sign off this here blog and get to some long-distance practicing?

*wiggles eyebrows seducitvely*

Ok that sounds good to me, This blog was brought to you by the letters E and K. Have a good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Peace out!


Sweet, Sweet Change of Plans

Okay everyone, remember how I told you to bitchslap your computers? We’re changing course – start knocking on every variety of wood you can find (short of injuring male loved ones for the sake of double entendre). Feel free to use pressed fiberboard, paneling, and exes.

The internet…waaaaaaaaiiiit forrrrrrr iiiiiiit…is back!


I have a new modem. It’s spiffy and shiney and new. And somehow, through a miraculous alignment of the cosmos (angry fist shake) I managed to get it up and running. It’s supposed to take ten minutes. It took me two hours, and I didn’t even have any problems. It was just very…involved. Vista shines here, with the constant approving of every goddamned step, and having to restart every time some new aspect gets installed (such as the piles of anti-virus – oh internet, why are you so dangerous?). Download this executable file, launch said executable file, install feature, loading, loading, loading. It was just a meticulous, pissy little process that had me sitting on the edge of my seat all night.

But finally, finally, I have the internet.

Wireless internet!!!!

Me! Technologically stunted and maimed, I somehow figured out how to appease the digital deities and actually got my wireless working. I’m not covered in cables! I can sweep my floor without meticulously unplugging, draping, carefully arranging (or just ignoring it and nibbling my lip over the bad-housekeeper guilt). I don’t trip over things at 2am when that last bottle of juice announces itself as a poorly timed idea!





Now let’s not get carried away. This month, overall, is still sucking the big one. Work is a pain in the ass, and every douchebag and their ugly sister seem out to get me. They’re filming underbudgeted movies on my block and cluttering up the traffic. Starbucks has discontinued the only vegetarian breakfast sandwhich. Josh is hard at work both on the job and getting some renovations done around his brothers house for my visit, so between that and the rest of life we’re often pressed for time. I’ve promised May that I won’t use Limewire, and so I’m dying without my instant fixes and guilty pleasures. I still don’t have tiles on half the floor, and my futon is becoming lumpier by the day. Also, neither tax nor bonus season were as kind to me as I’ve grown accustomed. Boourns.

But this, I will celebrate. This one teeny, tiny technological victory, as brief as I realize it could be, I will take it and run with it.


Thumbs up internet, I’m back in your grill. Now let’s finish suckerpunching the rest of this shitty month and get on with my damn vacation, alright?


And the Academy Award Goes to Me.

Greetings everyone! I have received this lovely award from JavaQueen. It’s not the Academy Award, but it’s still quite awesome. She herself is also quite awesome, I highly recommend you give her a look-see. Anyhoo, I am passing it along!


The “Let’s Be Friends” Award:

These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this written text into the body of their award.


Seriously, the internet is the best place ever to meet friends. It’s also the best place ever to meet sketchy characters selling assorted body parts out of the trunks of cars, but I guess that depends on where you look. As for me, I found love! So that’s where I’ll start.

Sprinting to Hell: This is Josh’s main blog, although he technically co-writes 800 Miles with me. My first impressions of him were at STH where he often lets loose a hilarious tirade against the man, the machine, the world at large. At other times it’s a who’s-who of awesome sights and sounds, of corners of the internet you would rarely otherwise brave, and if nothing else a brief glimpse into how rad a boyfriend I’ve got. Thanks, internet, for leading me to Mr. Right. Totally Fucking Badass Awesome Right. I probably wouldn’t have found him without your help, given the ridiculous distance and all. The next round is on me.

And now for some real life friends (other than Josh that is, who is obviously my friend as well.)

No Really, It’s Just My Face: This is Talea’s blog. Talea is snarky, hilarious, and unapologetic. In real life, she is my best bud, at my hip damn near 24-7 and less than 20 feet away from me at the office. Technically she’s my boss I guess, but whatever. We belch a lot. When either of us leave the city (which is rare, as we both adore Toronto and all its oddities), the other is always left dazed, confused, and more than a little pissed. Nobody is more excited about me staying in Toronto than Talea.

Except for maybe these two awesome ladies who are both very thrilled that I am staying, and equally thrilled that Josh is moving on up!

So Very Domestic: This is my friend May’s blog. May is what you would get if Bif Naked beat the hell-ass out of Martha Stewart and ran the outcome through the internet about eleventy-seven times. Like, hardcore.  She added another wee one to her growing brood very recently, and within a week was up baking, knitting, and sewing together little skull-and-crossbone diapers. Seriously. Don’t cross her in an alley – she could beat you up if she wanted, and then make you feel bad about it when she bakes 3 pies the next day.

Romi: If you haven’t met Romi, you are missing out. She was the first real-life friend I met on the blogosphere, after Talea and I coerced her into meeting us for a birthday related night of drunken debauchery, cupcakes, candy, and an ill-advised venture into the gastro-instestinal distress that is the combination of cheeze-whiz and jam. The latter, I assure you, was not Romi’s idea. Either way, she is fantastic, in blog world and 3D world. Go read her stuff right now. She used to promise cake in exchange for readership, but this is no longer. Now you have to read her blog or endure beat-downs from yours truly.

And for my remaining four choices, some terrific people who may not be my friends in 3D, but are sure awesome nonetheless.

Praying to Darwin: Ginny is cool as shit. Ginny seems like the kind of gal I’d really like to hang around with, or maybe at the office while Talea and I act like morons. She seems like she’d be down. I’d totally be her bud in 3D if I wasn’t scared away by the million miles of snow, wheatfields and oilsands I’d have to traverse (or, you know, whatever is outside of Ontario – in my head it’s all snow, wheatfields and oilsands. And mountains and junk, but they’re past her block.)  She’s flippin’ hilarious and has good taste in flooring. Because these things matter to me. Go read her stuff. Like, right now. I’ll wait.

Joan Harvest: Joan gives me the warm fuzzies all over. Every time she calls someone a dumbass, I want to hug her and tell her she’s awesome. Joan, you’re awesome! She has one of the coolest little houses I’ve ever seen, (I’m in love with her porch) and all sorts of great stories, many of which revolve around broken asses and the art of self defense with a cane. She’s the kind of lady you want to have around, you never know when cane-fu might come in handy!

Birdpress: Ok, so you know how I’m all madly in love with a guy named Josh, who I met over a vast distance and am now trying to bring into my permanent 3D world? Yeah, she pretty much did too! And now she’s married to her Josh, so clearly these things work! 😉 She’s also the rad chick who sent those five questions to me that I finally got around to answering with my Josh (sorry it took so long, and thanks! They were super fun.) Good times, good times. Get reading!

VeggieMacabre: I’m all about people who have the guts to just up and move hundreds of miles, and then do stuff like fight fires, avoid death, sew balls on reindeer sweaters, and other fun activities. Always a good read. If Will happened to stop by our general vicinity, I’m pretty sure Josh and I would have bitchin’ fun times going out for beer with this dude. Cheers Will!

Alrighty folks, that’s all for me at the moment. But if you’re still craving more, you have plenty of me-approved reading to keep you occupied. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish packing for the trip that’s still over a month away, and then nibble at my cuticles while the clock ticks.





Leaving on a Jet Plane, Suckers!

As you may recall, Josh and I celebrated our one-year anniversary of dating on March 11th. Unfortunately, the cosmos conspired against us to mark the occasion with frustration and general technological fuck-uppery as opposed to flowery romance. In fact, we have still yet to exchange our cute little love-projects. This displeases me greatly. I’m generally speaking more the kind of gal who appreciates a good trip to the liquor and/or candy store (please, somebody combine the two!) or a night in cuddling on the couch to celebrate such occasions, rather than the whole dinner and flowers shebang. But even that’s hard to do when you’re 800 miles apart and the damn sentient videophone picks the worst days of the week to frankly, fuck with your shit.

Fine then universe, you want to play that game? Do you? Oh yeah? Well you may have screwed up March 11th, but there’s another significant date coming up very shortly. I won’t tell you what date specifically for fear you’ll mess that up too, but the general time frame is mid-June.

Last June, after having been madly in love for some time already, Josh and I finally met face-to-face. And yes, it was awesome. And yes, it was very difficult to leave. It still blows my mind to think back and go ‘holy shit, that was a year ago!’ One year! What the hell???

Unfortunately, that also means it’s been about a year since we’ve gotten some good and proper bedroom action. Too much info? Well, sorry. If you’ve been following along here, you know Josh and I live far apart – so in terms of sexy times, there’s really only one logical conclusion: it’s hard to get some from across the room never mind across the border. This will not do! Poor Josh! Poor me! If you haven’t been following along and this happens to be your first glance at this page…well, now you know.

So in light of the gods-of-tech being general wankers as of late, I’d really rather not leave this particular upcoming anniversary to chance. I’m getting on a damn plane and getting my ass down there. That’s right, it’s vacation time again! One whole year! It’s time, people.

(may not be flying on this actual plane)

(may not be flying on this actual plane)

Wooooo!!!!! Naturally, there will be many more exciting details to share as we get closer to the date, like accomodations, places to go, people to see, and etc. After last years adventure with failing luggage, I think the first thing I’m going to do is buy myself a nice pink manhandling-resistance suitcase, and maybe a matching dress.

Look out America, I’m coming to get you! Or at least one of you 😉

Five questions from Birdpress

Alright so today Emerald and Josh will be presenting our panel discussion on five questions sent to Em by Birdpress. I say panel discussion rather than answers because we rarely if ever have the ability to actually answer questions without spiraling out of control on a plethora of completely unrelated tangents. The original meme was where you tell someone you want to be interviewed, they make up five questions for you, and then when you post, you offer to do the same for other people who would like to be interviewed. That’s cool I guess, so uh, if you are out of topics, like we are, and feeling like a lazy ass way to come up with a blog post, leave us a comment and we’ll send you five questions of our choosing. But be warned, I (Josh) will want to participate in the question choosing, so naturally they will be wild card questions designed to make you uncomfortable.

“If you had to be any sex toy, what would it be and who would you want masturbating with you.” Or possibly, “As the newly come-to-power dictator of the world gone mad with power and evil, which people group will you choose to commit atrocities of genocide on.”

Emerald says: You’re hilarious. Mayhaps you should introduce Birdpress’ questions, which while nowhere near as controversy generating, are still pretty awesome conversation starters.

Josh says: Right on. 1.  What are the best and worst things that are likely to happen to you in the coming week?

I was actually expecting the usual Monday morning mountain of dishes in the kitchen at the office. Clients have 24 hour access, and there’s often seminars and whatnot going on when I’m not around to press start on this fantastic new machine called a flippin’ dishwasher. So Monday mornings usually suck for that, but it wasn’t so bad today.I guess in any given week, the worst thing that could happen would be the phones and internet going down, or a surprise visit by my uber boss who feels like touching all the surfaces I forgot to polish. The best thing that could happen this week would be winning something other than a ‘Please play again’ at Tim Horton’s Roll Up the Rim to Win. ‘Please play again’ doesn’t taste very good, and other than that I’ve only won a few donuts or coffee back at the start to get me hooked. You, by the way, will love Tim Hortons.

Hell yeah, I’m all about trying the Timmy Ho’s, partially because you rave about it like some tween fangirl, and partly because any place named “Ho’s” should rock.

Well, you need coffee, and this is anti-Starbucks.

This is kind of a hard question for me because I’m expecting a fairly boring week. I got the beer shits from staying up till one in the morning last night drinking and watching Richard Florida lecture on global economics, so I guess that would be a bad thing, followed by the return of solid poo at some time in the near future, which will be a good thing.

*facepalm* I guess it’s partially my fault for sending you the link.

Wednesday morning it’s going to be below freezing on my ride to work, so my sperms are in danger, that kind of sucks. (cause of the scooter ride deal, which leaves my junk fairly exposed to the elements) Also, I have a birthday coming up in the next week, not that I get very excited over turning 25, but still I guess it’s something.  And by the way, I just don’t get the whole birthday emphasis in our culture. What’s up with that? I mean, I like to party a little extra, but I pretty much party all the time anyway, so it’s not a big deal. How do you feel about birthdays Em?

Right, well I’ve decided that since you don’t make a big deal out of birthdays it would be better for me to spend money on something non-birthday related, but still totally awesome: getting my passport and my ass down to NC, so we can, you know, make out and whatever.

Face fuck.

Girl birthdays are pretty easy: dinner + time + one gift (not expensive, but thoughtful. expensive gifts are for anniversaries, which are: more romantic dinner (maybe flowers, but not necessary with me) + time + gift and/or romantic gesture)  And face fucking, sure. Mostly just getting you all to myself.

Dude, how exactly am I supposed to get a thoughtful gift? I mean, if I think real hard about what to get, and then pick a crappy gift you don’t like, isn’t that technically a thoughtful but crappy gift? Is there some trick that men could learn about how to buy the right thoughtful gift? Because I always end up just buying some shit I think is really cool, and then other people hate it. Like knives.

Well the idea of a thoughtful gift is that you know enough about our personalities to think of something that we would like.  But I know we are mysterious to you, so I don’t mind giving you hints. And I really don’t make a big deal out of gifts anyways. It’s the fact that you think about it and care enough to worry that matters.

Right, so just for the future, I suck at hints too, If you want something, put up a poster in the kitchen.

I will not put a poster up in the kitchen, I will give you examples of things I like and you can do your best.

2.  If you had to change your first name to another name that was also the name of a gemstone, what would you choose?

Um, well, I was going to say Ruby until earlier today….

What’s wrong with Ruby?

Well, I don’t know if this blog is an appropriate forum for a graphic picture of Ruby the Transexual Midget that I sent you earlier (because I am the greatest girlfriend ever.)

Oh right, yeah that was one fugly ass he-she mutant fucker! He had kind of a large dick though, for such a little guy.

Apparently that’s the norm. I had a friend in university who had a serious thing for trannies, except they had to have boobs to go with it. He wasn’t necessarily ‘into’ trannies, just totally, unendingly fascinated by them. Kind of like you with midgets. Except you actually really love midgets.

I do love midgets, that is true. So what gemstone name would you have then if you don’t like Ruby? Should I even point out the obvious one? Oh wait, she said change your name to a different gemstone. Nevermind.

Wait, what? What’s the obvious one?


Yeah,  “different” gemstone. Uhhhh, hang on, let me Google my options, yo.

OK, here’s my problem, all gemstone names make dudes sound like twink loving fairies. Seriously. So I was thinking maybe Topaz, cause it sounds like a space man, although I don’t know if that counts as a “gemstone” in the purist sense of the word.

Maybe Malachite, because it kind of sounds like Maleficent, who was the baddest Disney bad-chick ever. Oh, fuck that, YOU can be Malachite!

Could I pick “coal”, which is kind of like a baby diamond?

Because my complaint was that it sounded too manly.

Well, Malachite sounds pretty cool. Sounds like an alternate name for the devil actually, so that rocks.

I don’t know if Malachite is a technical gemstone, I was trying to find all the ones for birthstones, but Wikipedia says, so clearly it’s true.

…Got it. Tourmaline.

Tourmaline sounds like an ice cream flavor. If I dropped the gem part and just picked a stone, Slate would be pretty bad ass.

You bet your ass I’m your damn ice cream flavour, bitch! (ass wiggle)

Ok, moving on.

3.  If you were forced to get a tattoo in the center of your forehead, what would you like the tattoo to be?

Oh, hmmm. Shit, I was thinking about this earlier today. Oh right! Hang on…

Fuck Yeah

Except with green, natch.

What the fuck are you doing surfing around on I KNEW IT!

(simultaneously) Yeah, we should talk… Did we just brainsex?

Yes, we did just brainsex. So you would get the entire She-ra on your forehead, or just the … headband thingy?

Just the headband thingy.

Oh that’s cool, I would get a realistic but demonic looking third eye tattooed right in the center of my forehead so I could freak out children and elderly people, and the religious right.

**(Insert ten minute interlude for phones and internet fucking up repeatedly)**

Ok, so, as I was saying before our phones AND msn started acting up (see what we put up with, people???), I was saying how I like that we’re complete opposites on some things. Like, in my head, that headband might actually be silver and green, and most people might not get the reference without the whole wing-face thing.

You could get the wings tattooed on the sides of your head.

Most people around here would probably assume it to be some weird counter-culture vaguely spiritual thing and not even blink, but you’d go for total attention. Actually though, it’d probably look pretty spiritual too, in that manly higher-plane type of way. We’d make a good face-tattoo pair.

Um, no wing tattoos. Maybe some type of head dress get up for a Halloween costume.

Did I tell you I was locked up with a guy who looked just like Charles Manson, and he even had the damn swastika tattoo on his forehead? Him and his meth smoking wife got arrested and locked up for squatting in an abandoned home. He was pretty chill, but kind of scary, and everyone just called him Manson.

Um, no you did not. Half of me thinks ‘doooooode, awesome!’ and the other half thinks…well, the other half isn’t so sure.

Yeah jail is full of questionable characters, but mostly pretty good folks who just suck at following the law.

4.  Would you rather gain 70 lbs all over your body or gain ten pounds just in your ass?

Ha, you would want both, wouldn’t you? (pause) I mean on me.

No, I mean I would still love you with an extra seventy pounds all over and an extra ten in your ass, but I prefer big thick juicy women, not fat ass fatties. Although I will still pork a fat ass fatty. I think you’re a good weight right now, the perfect balance of curves and softness, but not too much.

See, that’s why I’m banging you. I guess I’d go with ten in just my ass then, cause either way would suck, but at least 10 is easier to lose than 70. This chick I used to waitress with gained 65 pounds for a 5 pound baby. Like, woooaaah.

I would also choose ten in my ass, because I think it would be hilarious. I already have what some women have referred to as a honkytonk badonkadonk. So if I added ten more just in my ass, I would look like some sort of ass clown, and I would carry things around on it and play fun games like jumping and landing on my fat ass without receiving injury. It would be like a fun accessory.

We’d end up on /b/ so fast. Us and our butts.

It’s coming, don’t worry.

And I like your butt just the way it is.

5.  If you were given $100,000 to be split among three charities, which ones would you choose?

Toronto Humane Society, Covenant House and The Hospital for Sick Children. The first ’cause I have a soft spot for animals, the second ’cause I have a soft spot for the homeless, and third ’cause they saved my life and stuff, so I guess I owe them. I figure when we can afford it, one of those hospital lotteries once in a while is enough for my general level of karma.

Fuck that, charities blow. I would give one third to NORML, so that maybe one day we can have legalized marijuana. And then I actually happen to know two women named Charity, so I would work up a deal to give them each a third, on agreement to split the cash monies with yours truly, leaving you and me with a cool $33,333 to spend on hookers and blow. Or a place to live, whatever.

How about I give you a place to live and you can spend it on weed and glorious takeout? We can eat sushi off a naked chick or something as a compromise.

Alright, but who do you want to take out?  That jack off from Full House has a new sitcom, we could take him out.

Well, I will take you out to all my favourite places (so you know what kind of stuff I like) and then you can start taking me places. I’m sure you’ll find places I’ve never even been too.

Do you have slums under your bridges?

Under some, although I think they’re more tent-city than slummy. We even  had people stand up for this one guy the city made move. And I knew a homeless girl who slept under a bridge with a dog named Tequila.  Why?

I have no idea, it just seemed like one of those places I might end up. They have really fun dangerous dive bars in the poor sections of towns. But again, unlike you I have no love for the homeless, so I won’t be going to any tent towns.

Yeah, we don’t have actual neighbourhoods under bridges. And you don’t need to go to the ghetto to find a fun dive place. I think you’ll like Sneaky Dees.

Sneeky Dees, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

Sneeky Dee's, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

It sounds like a place I would like. So anyway, I guess this pretty much wraps up our meme. Do you have anything else you want to add?

Well I mentioned in the last post that we had a bit of news regarding the ‘Saving Up to Move’ ticker. Did you want to go into a little further detail on that, now that we’ve decided for sure, and the lawyer has given his general approval of our plan?

Oh right, cause people were thinking we were getting engaged! Ha! Suckers, we so are not getting engaged. But we have had a little change of plans, I am now planning on moving up to Toronto this winter, rather than Em moving down to North Carolina this summer. Long story short I found out my probation is over earlier than I expected, and long term we plan on living in Canada, so it made more sense for me to move. We’re both really excited about it, and I can’t wait to com see your beautiful big city and country. Even if I do have to learn things like how to not accidentally be racist to Eskimos and Indians. (long story for another post)


So should I end with a joke then?

Well I was going to say that this should all hopefully go according to plan as long as you have all your paperwork saying ‘yep, I’m all good and done with my legal shiznat’, and just come on up for a Christmas visit. We’ll spend some time looking at schools, and once that’s taken care of we’re pretty much on our way. But if you want to end with a joke, go right ahead.

*the opinions expressed in the following are those of Josh’s, just fyi*

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?

I don’t know, but I’ve turned 24 since you last saw me, so you might want to get used to those.

There’s twenty of them! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Child abuse is hilarious!



In Other News, My Boyfriend is a Manly Man

Well, I can’t say the computer situation has improved much, although I did manage to run a file to protect me against this up and coming Conficker worm. Josh’s boat anchor is still on the mend. However, we’ve gotten some excellent news that I’m not going to share just yet. More planning needs to be put in place first, but rest assured that while things are still frustrating they are also relatively awesome. Hint: it involves that little ticker over on the left there.

In other news, Josh did manage to get his ride fixed, and added some rather manly accessories. Observe:

Yes, it's just that awesome.

Yes, that’s right. He found a deer head. Just lying around, like you do. And how else would one strap a skull to your handlebars than with rusty barbed wire?

You might think this would bother me, being vegetarian and all. But that’s part of the deal when you’re in love with a carnivorous manly man. Besides, it’s 800 miles south, already dead, and frankly I have bigger battles to pick. Like convincing said beloved manly man that Kangaroo boxing is not a good idea.



Oy with the vey! Those things don’t just hit you, they’ve got Velociraptor toes! At least he eventually agreed with me after seeing another video where some British tourist ended up needing 36 stitches in the crotchular area after getting a swift kick.

Next on the debate block: demolition derbies. I’ll keep you posted on any and all future injuries.


Alright, so haven’t just been scurrying around painting and renovating secretly. I have been knitting!

I suffered a bit of a setback with a rather dumbass move a few weekends ago. I had been scrubbing the kitchen with Vim and got down to the sink and stove. I reached into the sink before realizing the stovetop would be a better choice – it would dirty the sink after all. Right, I’m so clever. So I reached over to pick up the heavy metal burners of my gas stove – forgetting of course that not one minute prior, said stove was my primary source of heat in this less-than-insulated box. Ohmyfuck, hot ! It took nearly 30 minutes for the nauseating pain to go away. 20 minutes later there was no feeling at all, and it turns out that the little spot on my finger is not so much burned as cooked.

Ow! Ow! Fuckity! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Fuckity! Ow!

Yeah, gross. I nearly puked again.

The not particularly awesome healing process has hindered me quite a bit.  It’s been two weeks and only just healed enough to pick up any knitting. I didn’t entirely waste my time, although I have watched more t.v. this month than anytime in the past year or so. I brushed up on some new knitting techniques and bam! I can knit in the round on double pointed needles now. I found a tres terrific green yarn that perfectly matches a pashmina I wear. I’ve even given a hand at writing my own pattern. Turns out my brain can wrap itself around a pattern much more easily when there’s no need to worry about the wrong side. If all goes well, I should be able to finish at least one tomorrow.

This means faster project turnout, very exciting!

Anyways, here’s a few scarves I managed to get done before branding myself.



I really like this scarf, and it was easy to make. The yarn is pretty fun, there’s a white version as well that I’m going to knit up into a scarf named Icicle (Is it bizarre that I name my scarves? Probably not considering my favourite rabbit is Finnegan Cabbage Esq., and his offspring were Hannibal and Brutus. I like naming things. Don’t even get me started on baby names.) This is a greyer version of that  yarn, hence Greysicle.

Gypsy Scarf

Gypsy Scarf

I like how this scarf looks in this picture, but it’s a little washed out with the sun. This is a better representation of the colour.


looks like this

It’s really light and meshy, but long enough that you can wrap it around enough to be warm. The twisted drop stitch is responsible for the meshiness, as well as the fact that I used needles slightly larger than the gauge of the yarn. I used the same technique on this last one.


Peasant Scarf

I finished this number at May’s house, hence the fabulous photo-op. Anyways, as per usual these are available for sale. If you’re interested, just hit me up in the comment section. As for me, I’m off to whip up a fabulous pair of wrist warmers, or ‘pulse warmers’ technically since I haven’t mastered a thumbhole yet (I just figured this out yesterday, give me a break!) If I can figure out a ruffly finish I’ll be set to start putting some up on the e-shelves ASAP.
Woot! Progress!

A Fishy Tail

Okay, okay, I’ve dragged it out long enough. A crafty update for you people, my flavourite flavours of the internet. Yes, a fish related crafty update.


Fish scarf! Fish scarf!

Fish scarf! Fish scarf!


It’s a FISH SCARF!!! Or to be more correct, a fish tail scarf! I figured out this nifty little piece all by myself. Now I’ve got to figure out a wave pattern to connect the two tail ends, the one I’ve got right now stretches out too much and just looks straight once you wear it a bit. If I can figure out how to get some beadwork going on here too, that’ll be even better!

Woo exciting! Now I want to make a seaweed scarf and maybe a flower scarf and all kinds of fun shaped scarves.

I’ve got a few other things to show you too, and more fun pictures from Christmas, but right now my apartment is freeeeeezing and I’m hungry so I’ll say a quick adieu and see you peeps later.


Happy Flu Years


Okay, I knew the plan was to spend a quiet New Years on the couch. But I wasn’t planning to spend it on my back hopped up on flu meds. Dammit!

I’ve been sick for days. I’ll chug a bottle of Buckley’s or something tonight. I’ll be back with an update soon! There will be pictures!

There will also be crafty updates! Think fish. Yes, fish.

Okay, back to my flu delerium. Could someone please stop the earth from spinning? I’d like to get off 😦