That’s ENOUGH American Apparel

I get it.

Sex sells.

But frankly, I’m not buying. I’m good, thanks. And if I were buying, I wouldn’t be buying it in the form of body suits. And for that matter, since when does convincing me to buy body suits (proudly made in America for my pale Canadian ass), involve molesting my eyes with illicit advertisements while all I’m trying to do is get my morning joy from reading about other people’s hangovers via their Texts from Last Night???

Because the "I forgot my pants"-Tank was already trademarked...

When hanging out in Creepy Uncle Sven's 70's Basement, be sure to drape oneself along the stairs in a lace catsuit - it's the surest way to avoid molestation.

You couldn't just say 'thong' somewhere on the ad? No? You really had to demonstrate quite so visually?

So over I go to check out what else they’ve got floating around their website. Sure enough, they saved the tamer stuff for other peoples ad space. Their own turf is pretty much free game.

ps this is not clothes!

Hey boys and girls, did Mom put that annoying filter on your internet that doesn’t let you get the dirty sites? Well now you can get your jollies while under the convenient guise of shopping for lace bodysuits!

I have a crotch! Wheeeee!

Yep, that's pretty much just a vagina. Thanks for that.

"Can you unzip me" isn't as classy when the zip is on the front.

Seriously now! You can pretty much just print this out and have sex with it.

Ok, you know what? I'm going home now and putting on more clothes. After a shower.

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Back to School, America

You may have heard news of this little speech dealio that occurred yesterday afternoon. Oh you know, nothing major. Just the president of America having a little sit-down with the youth of the nation. A little pep talk, as it were. Do your best and all that jazz. Probably not the first President to ever do so.
However, he may be the first to be greeted with parents pulling their kids out of school for wanton fear that he’d warp their mushy little brains with his left wing agenda.  Really folks, do you so distrust your own parenting that you honestly think that a fifteen minute exposure to someone who’s views you disagree with will destroy their little morals forever and undo years of tireless value-instilling?
Here, take a quick gander. If you want, you can see the whole 15 minute shebang here, but for a brief taste that really speaks volumes about his “agenda”, here’s a brief segment.
I don’t get it guys. I really don’t understand what the problem is. I’m not even talking about this particular speech here. This goes beyond that, to the atmosphere of absolute media hysteria that I feel trembling up from our southern border. This is what you’re worried about?! And this is something that Josh and I have discussed at great length, another clear indication of the difference in our cultures. Why do you panic at the thought of understanding another point of view?
For example, let’s get away from politics for a second, and talk about another frequent point of difference and disagreement. Yeah, let’s do it, let’s talk religion.
Do you know where I learned about Buddhism and Islam? Theism, Antitheism, Agnosticism? In my Roman Catholic high school. Yeah, yeah, I wore the kilt. And they taught us not just the Bible, but provided access to other teachings as well. We learned not just Creation – although it was the obvious favourite – but Evolution. We learned other theories, teachings, and schools of thought. The Quran, the Torah and Talmud, the Bhagavad-Gita. The belief in nothing at all, or perhaps just a ‘maybe’, and even the basis for the belief of some that religion is outright harmful. We learned that you can take the Bible literally but that it’s not going to add up to real life (because, hello! Science!!!) And we learned that you can take moral truths from the scripture instead of basing your perception of reality on every single word. We were never taught that dinosaur bones are the work of the devil.
Let’s talk other issues. I was also taught not just about abstinence, but safe sex, abortion, adoption, sexual health, marriage, and all the sexual orientations under the rainbow. I saw brutal pro-life videos and articulated pro-choice seminars, and had open, frank discussion about the morality involved in either options. Understanding, rather than condemnation, was the name of the game. The girl who was brave enough to come to school while pregnant wore her belly as a badge that she hadn’t succumbed to guilt and fear, and was greeted with support, not shame. The same was true for the girl who decided for another option – publicly, the school had it’s opinion, but in the halls there was comfort, not mudslinging.
Let’s talk politics again. We learned not just about how our country works, but how others work. We learned the basis behind democracy, theocracy, oligarchy, aristocracy, monarchy. Communism, socialism, facsism, nationalism. If we see a system as inherently good or evil, why? Nobody gets in charge ranting about the terrible things they’re going to do in a few years, so what happens? What did communism hope to accomplish? How did it fail and why? Was Hitler batshit insane from the get-go or did something go horrifically awry? How do global politics come home? What aspects of our own system have the potential for abuse and misuse?
In other words, we learned to think critically about our opinions and others, and it makes me furious that there are those who don’t just allow parroting, but encourage it. Mindless repetition. Yes, I went to a religious school, and the leanings were definitely towards the morality our parents evidently wanted us to learn. But we weren’t sheltered from the rest of the world for fear that it would negate all their teachings.  We were encouraged to learn, to form opinions based on information and analytical thought, not repetitive propaganda. How can you have faith in what you believe, be it politics, religion or otherwise, if you can’t withstand criticism? And how can you criticize others if you don’t know where they’re coming from? How do you cover the ears of your children and then expect them to learn?
This is why I don’t understand the fear, hysteria and sheltering. Not just pulling your kids out of school because they might hear a ‘controversial democrat’, but beyond that. How do you forbid evolution in schools? How do you burn books? How do you take the rules of your particular interpretation of one of so many belief systems and try to rule others with it? How do you think you’re right, just because you’ve insisted so for so long without turning that criticism inwards to see if you really measure up? How do you think any single one of you has all the answers, so much so that you give yourself the permission to rise above other human beings and condemn them? How do you fear other points of view so much?
Ladies and gentlemen, I just don’t get it.

Celebrate Good Times!

Ok, I know you’ve all been just dying for some vacation details, so at long last, here we go! This will be one of many installments of our adventures.

It makes sense to start at the beginning, which in fact was way back in April – when we picked the general timeframe for my visit and I started the months long scrambling to get all the details sorted out. I had the paperwork to get my passport already printed off and ready for fine-comb scrutiny. It probably took about three attempts at filling in all the little boxes and squares and ‘this only applies to you if you were born at this spot before this date’ spaces before I was certain it could be brought in for government inspection without meeting instant rejection for having a signature go outside the lines. When it came time to choose which government line to brave for a morning, I chose a location far from the centre of the city. Less popular, less people, less lining up, less chance of me snapping at someone who controls where I’m allowed to travel.

It went off without a hitch, and within another few weeks I had my passport. My SUPER regimented, no glasses, no smiling, no frowning, no expression whatsoever passport. I look like a disaffected yuppie and it cost me $8. And that was just for the pictures, nevermind the little blue folded book itself.

Next came picking the dates for flights and hotels, trying to maximize our alloted vacation time between weekends and matters-of-convenience for getting myself to the necessary airports. As soon as the dates were picked, the tickets purchased and the hotel reserved, it was just a matter of waiting. Shopping, and waiting.

FINALLY June rolled around. The last two weeks crawled and dragged by until one morning I strolled into work with a bright smile on my face. I made no bones about announcing my state of mind to the world at large: “People, I am not here today. Technically I am not here tomorrow, as I will be on a plane to visit my boyfriend in warm climates for the first time in one year. But rest assured, I am not here today either. Is the coffee machine broken? My good sir, I do not care.”

The next morning my mother picked me up for the drive to Buffalo, as it was $100 cheaper to cross the border in a car instead of flying directly out of Toronto. The navigation was a bit rough. Next time I’ll get the directions myself instead of leaving it up to her to leave up to her boyfriend to leave to the last minute resulting in no more than a poorly printed map and handwritten, somewhat incorrect instructions. However, we got there. And after connecting issue-free in Detroit, I got there.

There is here

Josh’s brother Nate drove him to the airport to pick me up, and dropped us off at the hotel where Josh had checked in earlier. In we rolled with our luggage, up the elevator, down the hall, and, well I’ll leave it at that for at least a few hours 😉
We hadn’t stopped to eat dinner, so later that evening I was starving. I figured we could go to a bar or restaurant, but anything nearby was closed by ten. Even with the scooter Josh had already brought to the hotel, the closest source of food was the SuperWalmart. We decided on a late night junk food/grocery shopping spree. I’m not usually a big fan of Walmart or its inhabitants, but I figure when in Rome…(or the South…)
It's ok, Talea was at the gym...

It's ok, Talea was at the gym...

The next morning, or maybe the following morning (I may have lost track of time…), I asked Josh to take me to Ihop for breakfast. He agreed, but was disappointed to learn that it’s somewhat of a misnomer. The “international” house of pancakes is at most a “national” house unless they have them in Mexico – we sure don’t have them in Canada, or at least not that I’ve seen. I in fact did not have pancakes, which I have not been able to stomach since a rather disastrous event with plane food many moons ago. Nor did I get waffles, which I’m told would have been an acceptable substitute. I got a strawberry crepe, which was damn good. I also had a lovely eyeful of Ihop patronage, and the new knowledge that some folk do in fact eat fried chicken for breakfast and encourage their kids to do the same.
yeah...

yeah...

Our breakfast was followed by much in the way of napping (sort of), to fill the hour or so one is supposed to wait before post-eating aquatic adventures. Yes, the hotel had a pool. But between the hot sun and the small family taking up most of the water, we opted to stay indoors. The pool was small, and it wasn’t so much about there being a crowd as there being just one family – we weren’t really in the mood for inevitable tourist small talk. Luckily, there were recreational activities to be found inside as well. 

This photo took approximately 37 takes.

Word, they had a jacuzzi!

We also went out to dinner at the Outback (which I think we do have in Canada, but I haven’t been in a while), and clothes shopping at Target. It may seem mundane to spend a vacation going to Walmart and Target, but we never get to do these little every day things together. Getting to spend an hour trying on shorts and lamenting the lack of non-thong sandals for men is a rare opportunity!

Alas, the weekend could not last forever, and we only stayed at the hotel for a few days. So after 60 some odd hours of our shagedelic fest of sugar, saunas and shopping, we packed up our bags and waited for our ride to Nate and Sami’s house to stay with them for the rest of our vacation. The first thing we did all together was head on over to their parents house for a family dinner with what I like to refer to as my ‘almost in-laws’. They love to take pictures at any and all opportunity, flattering or not…

Thought bubble says "Hey what are you - "

Thought bubble says "Hey what are you - "

Photobombed, and still adorable

Photobombed, and still adorable

And of course, we took plenty of pictures ourselves.

Totally worth the wait!

Totally worth the wait!

That’s all for this first installment, the adventures continue soon! Coming up next, we’ve got killer dogs, date night, strippers, licking (not to be confused with stripper licking), and other fun.

Stay tuned!

Meme Me Up, Scotty!

Okay, okay, I couldn’t help myself. I got sucked into a meme that I found on JavaQueen’s place, mostly just cause I like the first question. So you can play along if you’d like, or just enjoy 😉

What side of a heart do you draw first?

The right side. And my left is always lopsided 😦

Can you dive without plugging your nose?

Yes I can, though you will never catch me at a public pool because I don’t like swimsuits or at least not in public. I also have a horrific fear of open water (a lot of it has to do with the fact that I can’t wear my glasses when I’m swimming, and I’m so blind without them that I feel vulnerable – if I wake up in the middle of the night, I need my glasses to hear)

What color is your phone?

I have two phones. One is black and silver with an orange screen. My cell phone is silver. I also have a pink phone in my drawer, but it’s shitty and not cordless. I’d say my next cell phone will be pink or green or something else snazzy, but it probably won’t be because I think spending a lot of money on a fashionable cell phone is retarded.

Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?

Surprisingly, not Talea, even though she’s my best friend. That would probably make us both very squirmy and uncomfortable, like the time I told Josh Talea and I were wearing the same shirt. I meant identical shirts, but he though we were both crammed into one sweater in some vague male fantasy. I could stay tied to Josh for 24 hours because it would go very quickly – sex, nap, food, sex, nap, shower, sex, sleep, oh hey you wanna stay tied together today too?

Where are you right now?

Relieving my receptionist for her cigarette break. Why don’t I get a cigarette break? Just because I don’t smoke means I don’t get breaks? I want to say I’m going on a smoke break and just stand outside for ten minutes, crossing my arms and lounging while everyone stares at me confused.

* actually, by the time I hit ‘publish’ I’m now sitting here nursing a wicked hangover.

How do you feel about carrots?

Good snack food, and I can share with my rabbits. I don’t mean ‘take a bite of carrot, give rabbit a bite of carrot, take a bite of carrot.’ That’s gross. I just like to eat a bowl of mini carrots with one of my rabbits next to me and let them have one here and there. Sometimes they’ll eat them, sometimes they’ll be hideously offended that I would even suggest they might like one and throw it back at me.

How many chairs at the dining room table?

Me? Dining room table? Mahahahahahahaha!!!! Have you SEEN my kitchen? It’s a walk in closet in front of my couch.

Who is the best Spice Girl?

Uhhh, the slutty one.

Do you know what time it is?

10:13 am. Of course I know what time it is, I’m writing this on a computer which always has the time.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

Nap. If I woke up and I was still stuck, I’d start crying probably.

What’s your favorite kind of gum?

I don’t like any sort of minty crap, I like fruity stuff. But gum is one of those things where I’ll swipe a pack from work now and then or ask Talea to give me a stick of whatever she’s got (which is usually watermelon or otherwise fruity, she’s got good taste – and I usually pay her back in baked goods). I never really buy gum because I always think “But why? It’s useless. I mean, ice cream doesn’t serve much of a purpose, but at least you get to eat it.” Gum is a waste of money in my mind. Of course, that may have to do with working in a bubblegum factory all those years ago. I still can’t bring myself to pay for something that I feel I should be able to just pick up and put in my pocket.

T or F: All is fair in love and war?

Well, you have to define those words clearly. All is not fair in relationships – I can’t take a bad day out on Josh because that’s not fair, even though he loves me and could probably take it in stride. And no, you can’t pull unfair shit in a war, because eventually (*cough*America*cough*) someone is going to turn around and kick you in the teeth. Though I guess that’s a very special sort of fair…

As for *getting* love, yeah, all’s fair. I don’t know if it would have mattered to me if Josh had been with another girl when I up and decided I wanted him for my own. I’m pretty determined sometimes 😉 And of course when it comes to protecting those you love, things that would normally be considered assault are probably pretty fair.

Do you use words that you don’t know the meaning to?

I try very hard not too. Especially if I’m going to be giving someone shit for something, cause that’s the worst time to make an ass of yourself. My mother once stated very sternly that she had ‘no toleration for this kind of behaviour.’ Right. That’s a good way to discipline and smart 15 year old…

Do you like to sleep?

I do love sleeping, and get nowhere near enough. I find napping isn’t often a good idea though, I usually end up waking up sickish and groggy.

Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings?

I don’t know about states. But I know Saskatchewan doesn’t. Pfffft. Saskatchewan.

Do you know the song Sugar We’re Goin‘ Down?

No.

Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?

Um, no? I wouldn’t mind a Dodge Ram V8 Sport, and my dad just bought a sweet new Malibu.

What’s something you’ve always wanted?

Have you ever seen Iron Man? No, I don’t want Robert Downey Jr. in excessive make-up. Well, maybe just for a while. What I really want is Jarvis, the computer that runs the house and knows what I’m talking about when I say “That…thing, that fiddly thing, bring it over here.” Having a physical extension of my brain without the limitations of the human body would be friggin RAD, and I wouldn’t have to keep pads of paper around for all my thought processes.

Do you wear a lot of black?

Yes. It’s slimming, fashionable, matches with everything and works well in the corporate environment. I’m not so sure you can get to that snazzy CEO position in a floral print…

Describe your hair

Grows FAST! Just over a year ago it was Orphan-Annie short and curly, and now it’s past my shoulders. It’s curly and can either look clipped up and classy or circa 1987 gnarly, depending on the day.

Are you an adult?

Let’s see, I bitch about my commute, my bills, my clients, my life (even though for the most part my life is pretty damn sweet) and I’ve got a desperate need for a hazlenut coffee with two cream and one sweetener every weekday morning. I’m worried about mutual funds. Yes, I am an adult and I don’t know when the fuck that happened.

Who is your best friend?

Talea, closely followed by May, and of course Josh is pretty rad too, and we were friends before we were all in love and junk, so he counts too.

Do you have a tan?

Not particularly, though when I do tan I keep it for a long ass time. I just don’t go outside often enough. I spend about five minutes outside in the morning and evening gettting on and off the streetcar, but from the streetcar to work it’s all underground. And when I’m at home I’m in front of the computer on website/blogging business or knitting.

Are you a television addict?

Nah. I generally know what show is on what channel at what time (which is easy when you only have about five channels – yeah, clearly not addicted) but I’ll say “I have to watch the Simpsons at 7:30!!!” but then when it comes on, I’m always doing something else like cooking or knitting or cleaning.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?

In very small doses, yes. She’s adorable, but frazzled and listening to her stress out stresses me out.

Are you a sugar freak?

YES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
What is your favorite movie?
I have no idea, but lately I am so all about Iron Man.

What’s your sign?

Saggitarius, but on the cusp of Scorpio. I’m stubborn AND demanding – awesome.

Where do you wish you were right now?

Frankly, I wish I were in North Carolina getting laid and not having to worry about the effects of the upcoming winter on my poor brain.

Who did you copy this from?

JavaQueen! 😀

How do you know them?

The blogworld.

Would you have sex with them?

Ummmm, no?

What brand of shirt are you wearing?

H&M. Pretty much everything I own is from H&M, because it’s the Ikea of clothing. Cheap, fantastic, but unlike Ikea, it’s conveniently located at the mall, and right by the subway entrance too, which means I don’t have to wander into the idiot-packed mall itself.

Have you ever smoked anything?

Hi, have we met? The only time I’m NOT smoking weed is when I’m at work. Need to be on my A-game when people start bitching about phones, internet, mysterious charges that they don’t agree to despite the signature on their lease, blah blah blah blah blah. I don’t think laughing at them and/or trying to explain global economics would be much appreciated…