A New Improved Way to Get Your Kids Off Your Back

Hey everybody!

It’s time for some great parenting advice from an obnoxious twenty something who doesn’t have kids!

Not sure what to do when your kids are out of control? Are they screaming in the back seat for the eleventh hour in a row en route to Aunt Ethel’s for that family dinner you’d rather not be at anyways? Do they have an annoying habit of yanking on the phone cord for your attention until they disconnect you from your long lost best friend in Alberquerque?

Well then, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that in the days of yore there were those of the opinion (probably including Aunt Ethel herself) that a quick shot of silly juice was enough to soothe just about any toddler ailment from teething pain to pesky bed time meandering.

Nowadays, we know better. Letting our children have booze is a bad idea. Letting our children have peanuts is a bad idea. Letting our children have milk products is a bad idea. As is sunlight, tap water, synthetic fibre and bubblegum. Not to mention letting them loose in a playground with outrageous gravel, now that we have brightly coloured squares of ubersafe chopped up former tire bits to cushion their feeble, feeble knees. And if you have the nerve to cover a boo-boo with any sort of non-antiseptic bandaid, or dare leave your counters bare of their daily recomended dose of Lysol, well then! You’re headed straight to the stocks, you bad parent you. At least if you believe those Brand Power commercials (because those no-name granola bars tell your kids you don’t care.)

Thankfully, the two modern worlds of over-sanitizing the crap out of kids and the occasional need to get said kids to shut the hell up have collided ad last. Yes, it’s true, kids are getting snockered on hand sanitizer. Now of course like most products designed to improve your child’s overall health, hand sanitizer should be guarded carefully to avoid overdosage. You know, kind of like Flintstones vitamins.

Look, I've got shoes! How toxic can I be?

But at least now you can enjoy the comfort of knowing that while your energetic little one is contentedly dazed, he or she is also being protected from all the scary germs out there by way of licking chemicals off of their clean little paws.

Of course, I guess you could also use soap….or even make use of this ‘immune system’ thingie. But hey, that’s just me.

except probably not

 

Five questions from Birdpress

Alright so today Emerald and Josh will be presenting our panel discussion on five questions sent to Em by Birdpress. I say panel discussion rather than answers because we rarely if ever have the ability to actually answer questions without spiraling out of control on a plethora of completely unrelated tangents. The original meme was where you tell someone you want to be interviewed, they make up five questions for you, and then when you post, you offer to do the same for other people who would like to be interviewed. That’s cool I guess, so uh, if you are out of topics, like we are, and feeling like a lazy ass way to come up with a blog post, leave us a comment and we’ll send you five questions of our choosing. But be warned, I (Josh) will want to participate in the question choosing, so naturally they will be wild card questions designed to make you uncomfortable.

“If you had to be any sex toy, what would it be and who would you want masturbating with you.” Or possibly, “As the newly come-to-power dictator of the world gone mad with power and evil, which people group will you choose to commit atrocities of genocide on.”

Emerald says: You’re hilarious. Mayhaps you should introduce Birdpress’ questions, which while nowhere near as controversy generating, are still pretty awesome conversation starters.

Josh says: Right on. 1.  What are the best and worst things that are likely to happen to you in the coming week?

I was actually expecting the usual Monday morning mountain of dishes in the kitchen at the office. Clients have 24 hour access, and there’s often seminars and whatnot going on when I’m not around to press start on this fantastic new machine called a flippin’ dishwasher. So Monday mornings usually suck for that, but it wasn’t so bad today.I guess in any given week, the worst thing that could happen would be the phones and internet going down, or a surprise visit by my uber boss who feels like touching all the surfaces I forgot to polish. The best thing that could happen this week would be winning something other than a ‘Please play again’ at Tim Horton’s Roll Up the Rim to Win. ‘Please play again’ doesn’t taste very good, and other than that I’ve only won a few donuts or coffee back at the start to get me hooked. You, by the way, will love Tim Hortons.

Hell yeah, I’m all about trying the Timmy Ho’s, partially because you rave about it like some tween fangirl, and partly because any place named “Ho’s” should rock.

Well, you need coffee, and this is anti-Starbucks.

This is kind of a hard question for me because I’m expecting a fairly boring week. I got the beer shits from staying up till one in the morning last night drinking and watching Richard Florida lecture on global economics, so I guess that would be a bad thing, followed by the return of solid poo at some time in the near future, which will be a good thing.

*facepalm* I guess it’s partially my fault for sending you the link.

Wednesday morning it’s going to be below freezing on my ride to work, so my sperms are in danger, that kind of sucks. (cause of the scooter ride deal, which leaves my junk fairly exposed to the elements) Also, I have a birthday coming up in the next week, not that I get very excited over turning 25, but still I guess it’s something.  And by the way, I just don’t get the whole birthday emphasis in our culture. What’s up with that? I mean, I like to party a little extra, but I pretty much party all the time anyway, so it’s not a big deal. How do you feel about birthdays Em?

Right, well I’ve decided that since you don’t make a big deal out of birthdays it would be better for me to spend money on something non-birthday related, but still totally awesome: getting my passport and my ass down to NC, so we can, you know, make out and whatever.

Face fuck.

Girl birthdays are pretty easy: dinner + time + one gift (not expensive, but thoughtful. expensive gifts are for anniversaries, which are: more romantic dinner (maybe flowers, but not necessary with me) + time + gift and/or romantic gesture)  And face fucking, sure. Mostly just getting you all to myself.

Dude, how exactly am I supposed to get a thoughtful gift? I mean, if I think real hard about what to get, and then pick a crappy gift you don’t like, isn’t that technically a thoughtful but crappy gift? Is there some trick that men could learn about how to buy the right thoughtful gift? Because I always end up just buying some shit I think is really cool, and then other people hate it. Like knives.

Well the idea of a thoughtful gift is that you know enough about our personalities to think of something that we would like.  But I know we are mysterious to you, so I don’t mind giving you hints. And I really don’t make a big deal out of gifts anyways. It’s the fact that you think about it and care enough to worry that matters.

Right, so just for the future, I suck at hints too, If you want something, put up a poster in the kitchen.

I will not put a poster up in the kitchen, I will give you examples of things I like and you can do your best.

2.  If you had to change your first name to another name that was also the name of a gemstone, what would you choose?

Um, well, I was going to say Ruby until earlier today….

What’s wrong with Ruby?

Well, I don’t know if this blog is an appropriate forum for a graphic picture of Ruby the Transexual Midget that I sent you earlier (because I am the greatest girlfriend ever.)

Oh right, yeah that was one fugly ass he-she mutant fucker! He had kind of a large dick though, for such a little guy.

Apparently that’s the norm. I had a friend in university who had a serious thing for trannies, except they had to have boobs to go with it. He wasn’t necessarily ‘into’ trannies, just totally, unendingly fascinated by them. Kind of like you with midgets. Except you actually really love midgets.

I do love midgets, that is true. So what gemstone name would you have then if you don’t like Ruby? Should I even point out the obvious one? Oh wait, she said change your name to a different gemstone. Nevermind.

Wait, what? What’s the obvious one?

Emerald.

Yeah,  “different” gemstone. Uhhhh, hang on, let me Google my options, yo.

OK, here’s my problem, all gemstone names make dudes sound like twink loving fairies. Seriously. So I was thinking maybe Topaz, cause it sounds like a space man, although I don’t know if that counts as a “gemstone” in the purist sense of the word.

Maybe Malachite, because it kind of sounds like Maleficent, who was the baddest Disney bad-chick ever. Oh, fuck that, YOU can be Malachite!

Could I pick “coal”, which is kind of like a baby diamond?

Because my complaint was that it sounded too manly.

Well, Malachite sounds pretty cool. Sounds like an alternate name for the devil actually, so that rocks.

I don’t know if Malachite is a technical gemstone, I was trying to find all the ones for birthstones, but Wikipedia says, so clearly it’s true.

…Got it. Tourmaline.

Tourmaline sounds like an ice cream flavor. If I dropped the gem part and just picked a stone, Slate would be pretty bad ass.

You bet your ass I’m your damn ice cream flavour, bitch! (ass wiggle)

Ok, moving on.

3.  If you were forced to get a tattoo in the center of your forehead, what would you like the tattoo to be?

Oh, hmmm. Shit, I was thinking about this earlier today. Oh right! Hang on…

Fuck Yeah

Except with green, natch.

What the fuck are you doing surfing around on queermusicheritage.us? I KNEW IT!

(simultaneously) Yeah, we should talk… Did we just brainsex?

Yes, we did just brainsex. So you would get the entire She-ra on your forehead, or just the … headband thingy?

Just the headband thingy.

Oh that’s cool, I would get a realistic but demonic looking third eye tattooed right in the center of my forehead so I could freak out children and elderly people, and the religious right.

**(Insert ten minute interlude for phones and internet fucking up repeatedly)**

Ok, so, as I was saying before our phones AND msn started acting up (see what we put up with, people???), I was saying how I like that we’re complete opposites on some things. Like, in my head, that headband might actually be silver and green, and most people might not get the reference without the whole wing-face thing.

You could get the wings tattooed on the sides of your head.

Most people around here would probably assume it to be some weird counter-culture vaguely spiritual thing and not even blink, but you’d go for total attention. Actually though, it’d probably look pretty spiritual too, in that manly higher-plane type of way. We’d make a good face-tattoo pair.

Um, no wing tattoos. Maybe some type of head dress get up for a Halloween costume.

Did I tell you I was locked up with a guy who looked just like Charles Manson, and he even had the damn swastika tattoo on his forehead? Him and his meth smoking wife got arrested and locked up for squatting in an abandoned home. He was pretty chill, but kind of scary, and everyone just called him Manson.

Um, no you did not. Half of me thinks ‘doooooode, awesome!’ and the other half thinks…well, the other half isn’t so sure.

Yeah jail is full of questionable characters, but mostly pretty good folks who just suck at following the law.

4.  Would you rather gain 70 lbs all over your body or gain ten pounds just in your ass?

Ha, you would want both, wouldn’t you? (pause) I mean on me.

No, I mean I would still love you with an extra seventy pounds all over and an extra ten in your ass, but I prefer big thick juicy women, not fat ass fatties. Although I will still pork a fat ass fatty. I think you’re a good weight right now, the perfect balance of curves and softness, but not too much.

See, that’s why I’m banging you. I guess I’d go with ten in just my ass then, cause either way would suck, but at least 10 is easier to lose than 70. This chick I used to waitress with gained 65 pounds for a 5 pound baby. Like, woooaaah.

I would also choose ten in my ass, because I think it would be hilarious. I already have what some women have referred to as a honkytonk badonkadonk. So if I added ten more just in my ass, I would look like some sort of ass clown, and I would carry things around on it and play fun games like jumping and landing on my fat ass without receiving injury. It would be like a fun accessory.

We’d end up on /b/ so fast. Us and our butts.

It’s coming, don’t worry.

And I like your butt just the way it is.

5.  If you were given $100,000 to be split among three charities, which ones would you choose?

Toronto Humane Society, Covenant House and The Hospital for Sick Children. The first ’cause I have a soft spot for animals, the second ’cause I have a soft spot for the homeless, and third ’cause they saved my life and stuff, so I guess I owe them. I figure when we can afford it, one of those hospital lotteries once in a while is enough for my general level of karma.

Fuck that, charities blow. I would give one third to NORML, so that maybe one day we can have legalized marijuana. And then I actually happen to know two women named Charity, so I would work up a deal to give them each a third, on agreement to split the cash monies with yours truly, leaving you and me with a cool $33,333 to spend on hookers and blow. Or a place to live, whatever.

How about I give you a place to live and you can spend it on weed and glorious takeout? We can eat sushi off a naked chick or something as a compromise.

Alright, but who do you want to take out?  That jack off from Full House has a new sitcom, we could take him out.

Well, I will take you out to all my favourite places (so you know what kind of stuff I like) and then you can start taking me places. I’m sure you’ll find places I’ve never even been too.

Do you have slums under your bridges?

Under some, although I think they’re more tent-city than slummy. We even  had people stand up for this one guy the city made move. And I knew a homeless girl who slept under a bridge with a dog named Tequila.  Why?

I have no idea, it just seemed like one of those places I might end up. They have really fun dangerous dive bars in the poor sections of towns. But again, unlike you I have no love for the homeless, so I won’t be going to any tent towns.

Yeah, we don’t have actual neighbourhoods under bridges. And you don’t need to go to the ghetto to find a fun dive place. I think you’ll like Sneaky Dees.


Sneeky Dees, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

Sneeky Dee's, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

It sounds like a place I would like. So anyway, I guess this pretty much wraps up our meme. Do you have anything else you want to add?

Well I mentioned in the last post that we had a bit of news regarding the ‘Saving Up to Move’ ticker. Did you want to go into a little further detail on that, now that we’ve decided for sure, and the lawyer has given his general approval of our plan?

Oh right, cause people were thinking we were getting engaged! Ha! Suckers, we so are not getting engaged. But we have had a little change of plans, I am now planning on moving up to Toronto this winter, rather than Em moving down to North Carolina this summer. Long story short I found out my probation is over earlier than I expected, and long term we plan on living in Canada, so it made more sense for me to move. We’re both really excited about it, and I can’t wait to com see your beautiful big city and country. Even if I do have to learn things like how to not accidentally be racist to Eskimos and Indians. (long story for another post)

*facepalm*

So should I end with a joke then?

Well I was going to say that this should all hopefully go according to plan as long as you have all your paperwork saying ‘yep, I’m all good and done with my legal shiznat’, and just come on up for a Christmas visit. We’ll spend some time looking at schools, and once that’s taken care of we’re pretty much on our way. But if you want to end with a joke, go right ahead.

*the opinions expressed in the following are those of Josh’s, just fyi*

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?

I don’t know, but I’ve turned 24 since you last saw me, so you might want to get used to those.

There’s twenty of them! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Child abuse is hilarious!

*facepalm*

facepalm


Some Semblance of an Update

Ooookay.

We haven’t exploded off into the universe or anything. Yet. But the constant fuck-uppery continues. Josh’s fried computer needs a new hard drive, and his scooter has only just been repaired after about two weeks of non-functioning. If he were here in Toronto, he would be able to get just about anywhere. Not so much in NC – he had to walk miles just to get to a friends house for computer advice. So we’re still running well below normal capacity for the time being.

In other news, I managed to finish off last week’s never-ending series of unfortunate events by knocking a FULL glass of water right onto my laptop. Snap-crackle-pop, yo. By the next morning I still only had use of about five keys so I took it on down to Best Buy. The Geek Squad was of little help. They believed that because the keyboard was dead, there was no way in hell the motherboard would have made it through. I would need to get a new one, which costs in the area of $700 – or a new laptop. Dammit!

Turns out that *just* the keyboard is toast. I managed to borrow a spare from work until I can get a wireless one – it’s working just fine Best Buy, take that! Now we just have to wait until Josh has a decent window to the world again and maybe we can get around to celebrating our anniversary good and proper.

We’ll both have cute and awesome things to show to the world at large, hopefully before too long. Until then, we’ll continue shaking our fists at the sky and fighting the good fight.

grandpa-simpson-shakes-fist-at-cloud1

Stay tuned for updates. If one of us ends up on the news for finally snapping and setting a tower of computers up in flames, I’ll be sure to send pictures.