Shiny, Pretty Office

Yup, too busy to do much more than post pictures lately – but that’s a good thing! Having told myself to get off my ass and actually go do things instead of saying “huh, I should really check out that new underground theatre” or “maybe there is something to this whole camping business,” and “Dammit, I missed another Farmer’s Market,” I have actually (dramatic pause…) been out doing things!

Checking out that new coffee shop instead of always going to the same place??? Done! Catching that documentary on polygamist communities and their adolecent outcasts??? Done! Getting that immigration paperwork together??? Getting there! Rekindling my love of reading and soaking up some intellectually challenging non-fiction (much of which intentionally counters my opinions?) Done like dinner! Participating in protests? Voicing more opinions? Getting more involved in my local and global community? Done and done and done!  Going to that highly publicized debate between Tony Blair and Christopher Hitchens??? DONE!

Every winter it boggles my mind that another year has zoomed by without my consent, but this I can say has at least been a year of good, important, motivating life improvements.

One of which has been my working environment, which has changed drastically for the better, including the work that goes along within said environment. Setting up my glorious new office to my liking has been an exercise in awesomeness. Just now I arranged and rearranged my collection work-appropriate music. No soft-rock station for this chick! If I can’t listen to  new rock or even classic rock, then at least my bosses put up with my love for Andrea Bocelli, French film soundtracks, French-Brazillian contemporary fusion and my assortment of symphonies and operas. Imagine! Calmly steeping a tea and settling into my desk every morning to the sounds of Pachelbel instead of rushing through a disgusting kitchen to get on to the next annoyance amidst an endlessly ringing phone. Natural daylight, efficient layout, nice decorating, plants galore, and a marked lack of characters who used to make my skin crawl – now replaced by grateful, sane people who thank me for such pittances as delivering mail and keeping the kitchen tidy. I actually have time to blog at work again (shhhhhhh!) and yet am not so bored that I feel unproductive.

I even got an unexpected corporate letter last week saying “Hello – we’ve determined you deserve a raise. It’ll be on your next pay.”

Ahhhhh, perfect!

So yes, I do have a few things to do, but for now I feel like sipping my rooibos tea and posting a few photos.

The Grand Weekend Move In! It took forever to organize our hundreds of boxes and afterwards we replaced the carpet.

Fabulous reception avec new carpets and accessories. No more 1980's darkness with maroon couches or the jungle of fake plants in front of that mirror panelling. I shiver to remember...

The tres sexy boardroom with sunlight from the atrium and some crazy wallpaper that switches from striated rectangles to intertwined oblongs depending on the light. Escher would have a field day. Also wired for internet at every seat, say what???

Other side of sexy boardroom, including fancy new projector and HD tv! No more fuzzy videoconferences!

My favourite new thing: the cafe. New stainless steel appliances! Double decker dishwasher! New coffee machine! Fancy pants guest computer! And another flat screen tv with 24 hour news! Plus, nobody wants to dirty up a pretty new office, so the mess quotient has plummeted! What used to be the majority of my work is now a place I can actually relax!

The atrium below our offices. More plants, sunlight from the glass roof and a water fountain that you hear as you come and go through the front doors. Plus, once you get off the elevators you have to cross a bridge over the atrium to reach our suite, so you can walk the catwalk every morning!

Another boardroom. Smaller. Cozier. Mostly just less expensive - and NOT featuring faded wooden furniture from the 60's! Yay!

Guest Office, in case yours is messy and you need to pretend you’re this neat and tidy for that important one-on-one. Really though, *I’m* the one who’s that neat and tidy. ‘Cause it’s my job.
The business lounge, for those romantically lit private time with just you, the internet, and your spreadsheets.
Fancy pants elevators to parking! Which I don’t have to use, because the building connects to the subway. Sucks to be you, non-subway commuters! Your parking costs alone are more than my metropass! Bahahahaha!
My desk! My little cozy desk, all organized and be-planted. No more sharing space, no more clutter! No more dark little cave! I have a window and my own storage and my own stuff and a nice chair! And a nifty little mail chute! It’s mine, all mine!
So! That’s what I’ve been doing as of late, just in case you were wondering. If you have been wondering, I’m flattered, but I hope it hasn’t been keeping you up or anything – I’m not *that* interesting 😉 
Oh, and I also visited Josh twice this year. You know, business as usualy – pictures coming next!

Five questions from Birdpress

Alright so today Emerald and Josh will be presenting our panel discussion on five questions sent to Em by Birdpress. I say panel discussion rather than answers because we rarely if ever have the ability to actually answer questions without spiraling out of control on a plethora of completely unrelated tangents. The original meme was where you tell someone you want to be interviewed, they make up five questions for you, and then when you post, you offer to do the same for other people who would like to be interviewed. That’s cool I guess, so uh, if you are out of topics, like we are, and feeling like a lazy ass way to come up with a blog post, leave us a comment and we’ll send you five questions of our choosing. But be warned, I (Josh) will want to participate in the question choosing, so naturally they will be wild card questions designed to make you uncomfortable.

“If you had to be any sex toy, what would it be and who would you want masturbating with you.” Or possibly, “As the newly come-to-power dictator of the world gone mad with power and evil, which people group will you choose to commit atrocities of genocide on.”

Emerald says: You’re hilarious. Mayhaps you should introduce Birdpress’ questions, which while nowhere near as controversy generating, are still pretty awesome conversation starters.

Josh says: Right on. 1.  What are the best and worst things that are likely to happen to you in the coming week?

I was actually expecting the usual Monday morning mountain of dishes in the kitchen at the office. Clients have 24 hour access, and there’s often seminars and whatnot going on when I’m not around to press start on this fantastic new machine called a flippin’ dishwasher. So Monday mornings usually suck for that, but it wasn’t so bad today.I guess in any given week, the worst thing that could happen would be the phones and internet going down, or a surprise visit by my uber boss who feels like touching all the surfaces I forgot to polish. The best thing that could happen this week would be winning something other than a ‘Please play again’ at Tim Horton’s Roll Up the Rim to Win. ‘Please play again’ doesn’t taste very good, and other than that I’ve only won a few donuts or coffee back at the start to get me hooked. You, by the way, will love Tim Hortons.

Hell yeah, I’m all about trying the Timmy Ho’s, partially because you rave about it like some tween fangirl, and partly because any place named “Ho’s” should rock.

Well, you need coffee, and this is anti-Starbucks.

This is kind of a hard question for me because I’m expecting a fairly boring week. I got the beer shits from staying up till one in the morning last night drinking and watching Richard Florida lecture on global economics, so I guess that would be a bad thing, followed by the return of solid poo at some time in the near future, which will be a good thing.

*facepalm* I guess it’s partially my fault for sending you the link.

Wednesday morning it’s going to be below freezing on my ride to work, so my sperms are in danger, that kind of sucks. (cause of the scooter ride deal, which leaves my junk fairly exposed to the elements) Also, I have a birthday coming up in the next week, not that I get very excited over turning 25, but still I guess it’s something.  And by the way, I just don’t get the whole birthday emphasis in our culture. What’s up with that? I mean, I like to party a little extra, but I pretty much party all the time anyway, so it’s not a big deal. How do you feel about birthdays Em?

Right, well I’ve decided that since you don’t make a big deal out of birthdays it would be better for me to spend money on something non-birthday related, but still totally awesome: getting my passport and my ass down to NC, so we can, you know, make out and whatever.

Face fuck.

Girl birthdays are pretty easy: dinner + time + one gift (not expensive, but thoughtful. expensive gifts are for anniversaries, which are: more romantic dinner (maybe flowers, but not necessary with me) + time + gift and/or romantic gesture)  And face fucking, sure. Mostly just getting you all to myself.

Dude, how exactly am I supposed to get a thoughtful gift? I mean, if I think real hard about what to get, and then pick a crappy gift you don’t like, isn’t that technically a thoughtful but crappy gift? Is there some trick that men could learn about how to buy the right thoughtful gift? Because I always end up just buying some shit I think is really cool, and then other people hate it. Like knives.

Well the idea of a thoughtful gift is that you know enough about our personalities to think of something that we would like.  But I know we are mysterious to you, so I don’t mind giving you hints. And I really don’t make a big deal out of gifts anyways. It’s the fact that you think about it and care enough to worry that matters.

Right, so just for the future, I suck at hints too, If you want something, put up a poster in the kitchen.

I will not put a poster up in the kitchen, I will give you examples of things I like and you can do your best.

2.  If you had to change your first name to another name that was also the name of a gemstone, what would you choose?

Um, well, I was going to say Ruby until earlier today….

What’s wrong with Ruby?

Well, I don’t know if this blog is an appropriate forum for a graphic picture of Ruby the Transexual Midget that I sent you earlier (because I am the greatest girlfriend ever.)

Oh right, yeah that was one fugly ass he-she mutant fucker! He had kind of a large dick though, for such a little guy.

Apparently that’s the norm. I had a friend in university who had a serious thing for trannies, except they had to have boobs to go with it. He wasn’t necessarily ‘into’ trannies, just totally, unendingly fascinated by them. Kind of like you with midgets. Except you actually really love midgets.

I do love midgets, that is true. So what gemstone name would you have then if you don’t like Ruby? Should I even point out the obvious one? Oh wait, she said change your name to a different gemstone. Nevermind.

Wait, what? What’s the obvious one?


Yeah,  “different” gemstone. Uhhhh, hang on, let me Google my options, yo.

OK, here’s my problem, all gemstone names make dudes sound like twink loving fairies. Seriously. So I was thinking maybe Topaz, cause it sounds like a space man, although I don’t know if that counts as a “gemstone” in the purist sense of the word.

Maybe Malachite, because it kind of sounds like Maleficent, who was the baddest Disney bad-chick ever. Oh, fuck that, YOU can be Malachite!

Could I pick “coal”, which is kind of like a baby diamond?

Because my complaint was that it sounded too manly.

Well, Malachite sounds pretty cool. Sounds like an alternate name for the devil actually, so that rocks.

I don’t know if Malachite is a technical gemstone, I was trying to find all the ones for birthstones, but Wikipedia says, so clearly it’s true.

…Got it. Tourmaline.

Tourmaline sounds like an ice cream flavor. If I dropped the gem part and just picked a stone, Slate would be pretty bad ass.

You bet your ass I’m your damn ice cream flavour, bitch! (ass wiggle)

Ok, moving on.

3.  If you were forced to get a tattoo in the center of your forehead, what would you like the tattoo to be?

Oh, hmmm. Shit, I was thinking about this earlier today. Oh right! Hang on…

Fuck Yeah

Except with green, natch.

What the fuck are you doing surfing around on I KNEW IT!

(simultaneously) Yeah, we should talk… Did we just brainsex?

Yes, we did just brainsex. So you would get the entire She-ra on your forehead, or just the … headband thingy?

Just the headband thingy.

Oh that’s cool, I would get a realistic but demonic looking third eye tattooed right in the center of my forehead so I could freak out children and elderly people, and the religious right.

**(Insert ten minute interlude for phones and internet fucking up repeatedly)**

Ok, so, as I was saying before our phones AND msn started acting up (see what we put up with, people???), I was saying how I like that we’re complete opposites on some things. Like, in my head, that headband might actually be silver and green, and most people might not get the reference without the whole wing-face thing.

You could get the wings tattooed on the sides of your head.

Most people around here would probably assume it to be some weird counter-culture vaguely spiritual thing and not even blink, but you’d go for total attention. Actually though, it’d probably look pretty spiritual too, in that manly higher-plane type of way. We’d make a good face-tattoo pair.

Um, no wing tattoos. Maybe some type of head dress get up for a Halloween costume.

Did I tell you I was locked up with a guy who looked just like Charles Manson, and he even had the damn swastika tattoo on his forehead? Him and his meth smoking wife got arrested and locked up for squatting in an abandoned home. He was pretty chill, but kind of scary, and everyone just called him Manson.

Um, no you did not. Half of me thinks ‘doooooode, awesome!’ and the other half thinks…well, the other half isn’t so sure.

Yeah jail is full of questionable characters, but mostly pretty good folks who just suck at following the law.

4.  Would you rather gain 70 lbs all over your body or gain ten pounds just in your ass?

Ha, you would want both, wouldn’t you? (pause) I mean on me.

No, I mean I would still love you with an extra seventy pounds all over and an extra ten in your ass, but I prefer big thick juicy women, not fat ass fatties. Although I will still pork a fat ass fatty. I think you’re a good weight right now, the perfect balance of curves and softness, but not too much.

See, that’s why I’m banging you. I guess I’d go with ten in just my ass then, cause either way would suck, but at least 10 is easier to lose than 70. This chick I used to waitress with gained 65 pounds for a 5 pound baby. Like, woooaaah.

I would also choose ten in my ass, because I think it would be hilarious. I already have what some women have referred to as a honkytonk badonkadonk. So if I added ten more just in my ass, I would look like some sort of ass clown, and I would carry things around on it and play fun games like jumping and landing on my fat ass without receiving injury. It would be like a fun accessory.

We’d end up on /b/ so fast. Us and our butts.

It’s coming, don’t worry.

And I like your butt just the way it is.

5.  If you were given $100,000 to be split among three charities, which ones would you choose?

Toronto Humane Society, Covenant House and The Hospital for Sick Children. The first ’cause I have a soft spot for animals, the second ’cause I have a soft spot for the homeless, and third ’cause they saved my life and stuff, so I guess I owe them. I figure when we can afford it, one of those hospital lotteries once in a while is enough for my general level of karma.

Fuck that, charities blow. I would give one third to NORML, so that maybe one day we can have legalized marijuana. And then I actually happen to know two women named Charity, so I would work up a deal to give them each a third, on agreement to split the cash monies with yours truly, leaving you and me with a cool $33,333 to spend on hookers and blow. Or a place to live, whatever.

How about I give you a place to live and you can spend it on weed and glorious takeout? We can eat sushi off a naked chick or something as a compromise.

Alright, but who do you want to take out?  That jack off from Full House has a new sitcom, we could take him out.

Well, I will take you out to all my favourite places (so you know what kind of stuff I like) and then you can start taking me places. I’m sure you’ll find places I’ve never even been too.

Do you have slums under your bridges?

Under some, although I think they’re more tent-city than slummy. We even  had people stand up for this one guy the city made move. And I knew a homeless girl who slept under a bridge with a dog named Tequila.  Why?

I have no idea, it just seemed like one of those places I might end up. They have really fun dangerous dive bars in the poor sections of towns. But again, unlike you I have no love for the homeless, so I won’t be going to any tent towns.

Yeah, we don’t have actual neighbourhoods under bridges. And you don’t need to go to the ghetto to find a fun dive place. I think you’ll like Sneaky Dees.

Sneeky Dees, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

Sneeky Dee's, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

It sounds like a place I would like. So anyway, I guess this pretty much wraps up our meme. Do you have anything else you want to add?

Well I mentioned in the last post that we had a bit of news regarding the ‘Saving Up to Move’ ticker. Did you want to go into a little further detail on that, now that we’ve decided for sure, and the lawyer has given his general approval of our plan?

Oh right, cause people were thinking we were getting engaged! Ha! Suckers, we so are not getting engaged. But we have had a little change of plans, I am now planning on moving up to Toronto this winter, rather than Em moving down to North Carolina this summer. Long story short I found out my probation is over earlier than I expected, and long term we plan on living in Canada, so it made more sense for me to move. We’re both really excited about it, and I can’t wait to com see your beautiful big city and country. Even if I do have to learn things like how to not accidentally be racist to Eskimos and Indians. (long story for another post)


So should I end with a joke then?

Well I was going to say that this should all hopefully go according to plan as long as you have all your paperwork saying ‘yep, I’m all good and done with my legal shiznat’, and just come on up for a Christmas visit. We’ll spend some time looking at schools, and once that’s taken care of we’re pretty much on our way. But if you want to end with a joke, go right ahead.

*the opinions expressed in the following are those of Josh’s, just fyi*

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?

I don’t know, but I’ve turned 24 since you last saw me, so you might want to get used to those.

There’s twenty of them! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Child abuse is hilarious!



Downsizing, Adorable Style

So it’s time to further downsize on the amount of fur in my apartment. It’s going to be complicated enough just getting one rabbit down to the states, never mind a second one who doesn’t like me very much anyways. I know a friend of a friend who moved her dogs across the border, and apparently there is a specific route to take involving kenneling and tests to make sure nobody is attempting germ warfare. So that part I’m not worried about. It was  more the cost, the anxiety over the well being of not one but two bunnies, wondering if they’d get along after being apart and relatively traumatized for two weeks. Turns out that within a few days of being seperated, the bunnies are quite comfy in their single lives. Frankly, I think Finnegan was tired of being molested by Sunshine. I’m all for equality, but she was one pushy girlfriend.

And so a new home has been found for Sunshine, and I’m sure she will do fine. After a few years with my animals being the centre of my life, I am back down to my original and unabashed favourite, Finnegan Cabbage Esquire. I do still miss Hannibal and Brutus quite a bit, the babies who now live on a farm north of the city, but I couldn’t ask Josh to take in me *and* my farm. Obviously I’ve got a new centre to my life, so as much as I love rabbits, I’m clearly going to make the sane choice here. So I’m content with just Finnegan.

One benefit of his fab new bachelor life is a new bach pad. It’s smaller than the monstrous hard to clean cage he and the she-bunny have been inhabiting. That one is going with her to the new owner. This one is brand spanking new and full of fun chewable accessories. Within a few minutes he was stretched out comfortably, but of course he took the time to get used to his new house and rearrange everything in his new corner in the living room.

I’m glad I get to keep  him! Don’t worry, as soon as I’m settled I’ll have a house full of animals again I promise to never buy another rabbit again hon, honest…


Fun Developments!

Okay, so the plan is back on to move my ass to the States at some point. This whole college idea for getting Josh up here is not going to work out very well considering the bastards who run the American Judicial System haven’t even handed down his sentence yet, never mind the probationary aftermath, nevermind the drawn out process that is getting ones record pardoned and cleared and blah blah blah, nevermind the following brouhaha of actually getting the college part in gear. You remember the end of highschool, the college bit alone is a confusing and frustrating pain in the ass.

Plus, I’m in the mood for a change of scenery, and for someone with a crazy hectic brain like mine, I think the slower pace could actually be very good for me. That and even if Josh is away by the time I end up down there, just being closer makes me feel better.

There’s just one problem with that. Actually, there are a ton of issues that will have to be traversed, but let’s focus on one thing at a time. Josh is the patient one, who understands the frequent necessity of just sitting back and letting things take their course. No point in spending extraneous amounts of energy on something you can’t control. I however, do not function like that, and it’s the recognition of these differences in thought process that contributes to a succesful relationship (among other things, like our general awesomeness and a healthy abundance of sex appeal). If I’m on the subway and it shuts down, I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m going to be late, and that’s that. But this is different, because I feel like I *can* do something. And it’s driving me literally crazy. Crazier. Whatever.

So I want to move. But because I am the impatient one, it’s understood that this is something I am doing of my own perogative. Josh is stuck in limbo, and you can’t make rent money while you’re in jail. It would be unfair of me to decide that I don’t feel like waiting, up and move my ass, and then expect him to cover for me. If I move down there, I need to be able to support myself. Obviously, Josh will and does help out where he can, but I can’t tie someone down to a decision that I made.

That’s not a problem. The problem is my Canadian citizenship. I hope I’m not alerting myself to the FBI here or anything, but from what I can gather, taking up physical space in the U.S. is not so much a problem as it is taking up a job. Understandably, the U.S. government is not keen on the idea of handing out jobs to foreigners while there are able bodied Americans who could be employed in that capacity instead. I’ve explored a fuckton of avenues, and it doesn’t look good. I don’t have any kind of special degree, or a lot of money. And while I’m fantastic at my job, the fact of the matter is that being a highly organized, functional, multitasking administrative assistant is not the most specialized field out there. And Josh and I are not about to get married for the sake of a Green Card. That’s retarded.

What the hell do I do then? Save up a whack of dough, first of all, but what about income beyond that? I figure I need to save up at least a couple grand to live off of for the first couple of months while I get myself settled, but I need to have an income. After being told “no, you suck” by a number of agencies, I went bawling to my friend May. Talea is plenty smart and inventive, but May is smart in different ways, and is all about me moving for the sake of love. Talea, while supportive, is less thrilled by the idea of her best friend moving 800 miles south for a couple of years, while May is used to her friends moving far and wide to chase their dreams. So May sits me down with a coffee and essentially says “Hellooooo? The internet! That’s what we do!” May and her husband are the most incredible, best-geeky-friends style, super nerd awesome couple you can imagine, and they are good at what they do. Think Tron, seriously.

And one of the best things about May is her “You can do it!” attitude. So the fun development: I am building a website! It’s solely for the purpose of making money, but I’m not a complete sell-out. It’s still going to be an awesome project that I’ve seriously contemplated for some time. But now the gears are in motion. I don’t know the first thing about computers, but with the right amount of drive, self-learning, and a little coaxing from my geek-chic friend, I should be able to make something fly.

Here’s the plan! I like to think I’m pretty awesome, and I know how to do awesome stuff. I’d like to share that awesome know-how with my buddies, blog-buddies, and the world at large. The basic premise of the site with thusly be weekly tutorial videos on how to do awesome things. How to make awesome lemon squares, how to make awesome knitting patterns, how to do an awesome hair style, makeup style, crafty project, anything! In fact, I think I’ll title it “How To Be Awesome”. And it will include a bloggy type area, and links where you can buy the fun crafty things I make (I specialize in awesome scarves and have been wanting to sell them for a while), as well as ads for stuff that I genuinely do love and endorse in the hopes that they will pay me for hawking their wares.

So that’s the big news, an official website is on the way! I’ll very likely throw a quick little something together with Google pages while I mire through the technical aspects of HTML and Dreamweaver, but I hope at few of you will come on over and check it out once it goes live.

I shall keep you posted!