Brought to You By the Letters E and K

So I was over at 2LD a long ass time ago, but sometimes I’m lazy and most times Josh is very busy the other day. She had a meme going on with letters, and I thought “Well. I’m just going to have to get in on that.” It involves having a letter picked out for you, and then fulfilling the task of listing about 10 items you love that start with that letter. Foregoing the general instruction of asking her for a randomly assigned letter, I pretty much planted my flag in the letter E and asked her to instead assign one to Josh. It’s mad fun times when Josh and I co-write, but he’s usually so busy with work, legal matters, and other things necessary to get our asses together. So when I’m craving some blog-world man-attention, I find memes are a good fun way to have some kicks without actually having to, you  know, think of our own ideas 😛

She assigned him a K, which I feel is nicely paired with the E so clearly designed for yours truly. Let’s see what the results are!

Emerald says: Firstly, how much do I love that both of our letters could also be in reference to drug usage?

Josh says:
Hey now, don’t give away any hints as to what I’m putting on my list dammit!

Ha, okay, I’ll be quiet. Although I wouldn’t think anything like that would be surprising coming from you.

So uh, you want to start off this list of awesome crap starting with E and K or should I?

You can go first.

K is for Ketamine, which get’s cats high, and sometimes people in the suburbs too.


Haha, suburbs. Your suburbs are nothing like ours. Our suburbs suck. You have to drive around looking for kids hanging out near parks instead of just going up the street like sensible adults. In that theme, I will say Ecstasy. The drug itself can be either awesome or rat poison, depending on the mood of whoever cooked it up in their bathtub. Or I could get all emo and romantic, but who would I be kidding?



K is for Knights, because they wear armor and chop people apart for a living. Not to mention the fact that they kill dragons, which are universally accepted as the most badass monsters ever to walk the face of the planet, and as a reward they bang damsels all over the countryside. Knights rule.

 

There are also many modern day knights who are pretty cool. Anthony Hopkins is a knight. E is for Emerald, cause firstly I rule, knighted or not. And they make pretty good jewels too, I guess.

He’s not shit compared to Lemmy from Motorhead, he should really be a knight. Or Jason Statham. So uh, what else starts with a K?  This is going to be hard, I suppose we should have put some thought into our lists instead of winging it like we always do.

 K is for Killers, who kill people to death. Because without killers there would be no horror movies, and without horror movies where would I get my gratuitous gore and nudity?



That is a very good and also philosophical point. How would we recognize or enjoy what is good, or even know what it really is if there were no bad with which to contrast it? We need crazies and psychopaths. Just, you know, on someone else’s block.

E = mc2, because I don’t have a ‘squared’ button, and also knowledge is cool. I’m also more of a fan of the scientific mathematical explanation of things. At least in terms of the universe and energy, and all that jazz.



What? That wasn’t my point at all, I was giving a big old salute to all those badass killers out there, mainly so I wouldn’t plagiarise Maddox from his alphabet of manliness when he said K was for kicking ass. (damn you maddox!)

Oh. Reference fail.

It wasn’t a reference, but I wasn’t what was good by pointing out the bad or whatever you said, i was actually hailing the bad.

*Josh and Em both take a moment to agree that Josh totally failed on that last sentence, and then continue onwards*

You should read my A – Z encyclopedia of serial killers.

Alrighty, K is for Krusty, cause I know how much you would felate the Simpsons if they were real.



Dude, you have no idea how much I was already thinking that. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and say E is for “Exxxxcellent” in all it’s many forms.

Right on, Well K is for Karate and Kung-Fu, the holy mediums which introduced the western world to martial arts through cheesy ass movies like the Flying Guillotine.

I love that we’re going to watch Kung-Fu movies in bed.

And act out Kung Fu movies in bed, did I mention that?

You did. My general priciple is “don’t leave any marks I can’t cover up or explain easily the next day.”

None of our moans wil synch up with out mouths.

Haha, that too! E is for encyclopedia, because I’m a nerd who will read through an encyclopedia or dictionary for kicks. Also because my encyclopedia, as mentioned, is exclusively about crime and serial killers.



That helps I’m sure. K is for Kalashnikov’s automatic rifle model of year 1947, AKA the AK-47. Thanks to Hollywood this is globally known as the single coolest rifle ever made, and thanks to human violence, the single most popular rifle on the planet (I think). It resists wear and tear, fires in almost any conditions, and is simple enough for a seven year old child to be taught how to dismantle, clean, reassemble, and fire it.

Well shit, I was going to say elephants, but that just won’t cut it after that. Let me get my damn dictionary. Encyclopedia, whatever…

Shit, there are only two entries for “E” in this thing, and I can’t say I’m a huge fan of ‘execution’. I’m going to have to go with ‘Entertainment”. I would go crazy if I didn’t have something constantly distracting me from the chatter in my head. Thanks, television!

Alright, K is for the KKK, the most hilarious hate group between the Third Reich and Al Quaeda.

I would call them the most poorly dressed, but whatever. Seriously, did someone actually look in the mirror and think “Sheets, yeah, that’ll be our thing!” That’s like trying to start a hardcore violent gang and thinking “Fuschia, yes!!!”

E is for eating, I’m a pretty big fan of that.



White is such a bad color choice for night stealth, and not to mention how dirty you must get the robes during lynchings. And who voted on the dunce hat? WTF?

I know!!! The hat, why??? Ugh. Anyways, your turn.

Ok, K is for Krokus who coverd one of the koolest sogs of all time, Ballroom Blitz.

Oh no way, I love Ballroom Blitz! The first time I heard it was in Wayne’s World, when Crucial Taunt sang it.

*five minute interlude for music appreciation time*

Hell yeah! \m/> <\m/

That was pretty good, though my favourite will always be Tia Carrere.

Of course, how could she not be. I’m stretching for K’s here shug.

Yeah, I’m still stuck on elephants. How far along are we? Count for me honey, I’ve had several glasses of wine.

I have done eight, you have done seven.

I’m going to go with Electricity. I’d be pretty fucked without it. Of course, once you get here we could live in a shack in the woods with a well for all I care. But for right now, I’m pretty fucked when I knock my power out. Unless whoever that person is nearby who is stupid enough to have an unsecured network open happens to be online.

Eight now.

Ok, so two more. Ooh, eccentricity! I has it!

I want everything in this picture. Consider it a 10 year goal.

I want everything in this picture. Consider it a 10 year goal.

Ok, let me go with Katherine Heigl, because I totally had a TV crush on her back when she was the stuck up bitch on Roswell, waaaaaay before Knocked up or Scrubs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t think she was on Scrubs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

*It is eventually determined that these are from another, less hilarious medically-themed show. Probably ER.*

Ha, I told you she wasn’t on scrubs. Are you thinking of the other blonde chick on scrubs? Elliot?

Negative, I was thinking of Heather Graham.

Cause Eliot’s cute but not super hot. But whatever, and either way that’s an E. But I don’t like her enough to use that as my last E choice. And I’m going to have to say a full negative to Heather Graham. She’s terrible in everything she’s ever done, ever, and at least Katherine Heigl has some boobage.

So a threesome with Heather Graham is out then?

Unless a threesome involves me punching her in the face. Why can’t we have Katherine Heigl?

Sold! To the lady with the big knockers!

Sweet, that’s totally me.

Thinking of ten K words that are cool is really hard. I’m going over all the things in my head now. Kalvin and Hobbes, Katterpillar heavy machinery, spaniKopida, everything I can think of starts with a damn C. Wait, no genius struck me at the last second. K stands for Klingons eating Klondike bars, because I fucking dare you to think of something cooler that starts with a K, especially after drinking rum.

 klingon klondike

That is a pretty cool visual. And as I’m headed for the last of a bottle of wine, I’m going to go ahead and cop out with “Existence.” It’s pretty bad-ass right now.



True dat, much better than that whole non-existence phase you went through. I found it to be much adieu about nothing, hmmm, jes?

Well I could also say “Existentialism” but let’s face it, they’re annoying. And right now, the extent of my existence is sitting on a couch in my underwear finishing off a bottle of wine while my hot boyfriend who’s willing to switch countries to be with me stares at my boobs. I’m thinking that’s a-ok my friend.

Me too, we’re going to have a lot of fun existing.

Alright, well what say we sign off this here blog and get to some long-distance practicing?

*wiggles eyebrows seducitvely*

Ok that sounds good to me, This blog was brought to you by the letters E and K. Have a good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Peace out!

 

And the Academy Award Goes to Me.

Greetings everyone! I have received this lovely award from JavaQueen. It’s not the Academy Award, but it’s still quite awesome. She herself is also quite awesome, I highly recommend you give her a look-see. Anyhoo, I am passing it along!

untitled

The “Let’s Be Friends” Award:

These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this written text into the body of their award.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Seriously, the internet is the best place ever to meet friends. It’s also the best place ever to meet sketchy characters selling assorted body parts out of the trunks of cars, but I guess that depends on where you look. As for me, I found love! So that’s where I’ll start.

Sprinting to Hell: This is Josh’s main blog, although he technically co-writes 800 Miles with me. My first impressions of him were at STH where he often lets loose a hilarious tirade against the man, the machine, the world at large. At other times it’s a who’s-who of awesome sights and sounds, of corners of the internet you would rarely otherwise brave, and if nothing else a brief glimpse into how rad a boyfriend I’ve got. Thanks, internet, for leading me to Mr. Right. Totally Fucking Badass Awesome Right. I probably wouldn’t have found him without your help, given the ridiculous distance and all. The next round is on me.

And now for some real life friends (other than Josh that is, who is obviously my friend as well.)

No Really, It’s Just My Face: This is Talea’s blog. Talea is snarky, hilarious, and unapologetic. In real life, she is my best bud, at my hip damn near 24-7 and less than 20 feet away from me at the office. Technically she’s my boss I guess, but whatever. We belch a lot. When either of us leave the city (which is rare, as we both adore Toronto and all its oddities), the other is always left dazed, confused, and more than a little pissed. Nobody is more excited about me staying in Toronto than Talea.

Except for maybe these two awesome ladies who are both very thrilled that I am staying, and equally thrilled that Josh is moving on up!

So Very Domestic: This is my friend May’s blog. May is what you would get if Bif Naked beat the hell-ass out of Martha Stewart and ran the outcome through the internet about eleventy-seven times. Like, hardcore.  She added another wee one to her growing brood very recently, and within a week was up baking, knitting, and sewing together little skull-and-crossbone diapers. Seriously. Don’t cross her in an alley – she could beat you up if she wanted, and then make you feel bad about it when she bakes 3 pies the next day.

Romi: If you haven’t met Romi, you are missing out. She was the first real-life friend I met on the blogosphere, after Talea and I coerced her into meeting us for a birthday related night of drunken debauchery, cupcakes, candy, and an ill-advised venture into the gastro-instestinal distress that is the combination of cheeze-whiz and jam. The latter, I assure you, was not Romi’s idea. Either way, she is fantastic, in blog world and 3D world. Go read her stuff right now. She used to promise cake in exchange for readership, but this is no longer. Now you have to read her blog or endure beat-downs from yours truly.

And for my remaining four choices, some terrific people who may not be my friends in 3D, but are sure awesome nonetheless.

Praying to Darwin: Ginny is cool as shit. Ginny seems like the kind of gal I’d really like to hang around with, or maybe at the office while Talea and I act like morons. She seems like she’d be down. I’d totally be her bud in 3D if I wasn’t scared away by the million miles of snow, wheatfields and oilsands I’d have to traverse (or, you know, whatever is outside of Ontario – in my head it’s all snow, wheatfields and oilsands. And mountains and junk, but they’re past her block.)  She’s flippin’ hilarious and has good taste in flooring. Because these things matter to me. Go read her stuff. Like, right now. I’ll wait.

Joan Harvest: Joan gives me the warm fuzzies all over. Every time she calls someone a dumbass, I want to hug her and tell her she’s awesome. Joan, you’re awesome! She has one of the coolest little houses I’ve ever seen, (I’m in love with her porch) and all sorts of great stories, many of which revolve around broken asses and the art of self defense with a cane. She’s the kind of lady you want to have around, you never know when cane-fu might come in handy!

Birdpress: Ok, so you know how I’m all madly in love with a guy named Josh, who I met over a vast distance and am now trying to bring into my permanent 3D world? Yeah, she pretty much did too! And now she’s married to her Josh, so clearly these things work! 😉 She’s also the rad chick who sent those five questions to me that I finally got around to answering with my Josh (sorry it took so long, and thanks! They were super fun.) Good times, good times. Get reading!

VeggieMacabre: I’m all about people who have the guts to just up and move hundreds of miles, and then do stuff like fight fires, avoid death, sew balls on reindeer sweaters, and other fun activities. Always a good read. If Will happened to stop by our general vicinity, I’m pretty sure Josh and I would have bitchin’ fun times going out for beer with this dude. Cheers Will!

Alrighty folks, that’s all for me at the moment. But if you’re still craving more, you have plenty of me-approved reading to keep you occupied. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish packing for the trip that’s still over a month away, and then nibble at my cuticles while the clock ticks.

Tick…

Tick…

Tick…

Ugh!

Two Paws Up!

two-paws-up

Woot! I have been given this award by the lovely Birdpress, whom I enjoy immensely! Like her, I am tempted to just hand this out to everyone on my blogroll, but agree that would be too easy. Her numerology idea to figure out how many recipients to pic is pretty nifty:

To calculate your numerology number:
Suppose your birth date was January 1, 2009
Add the numbers in your birth date like this:
• January 1, 2009 = 01/01/2009
• 01/01/2009 = 0+1+0+1+2+0+0+9 = 13
• 13 = 1+3 = 4

However, it gave me a three. And while I cannot claim to be a numerology expert, some other method eons ago came up with a four. Since it seemed to make plenty of personality-associated sense at the time, and I’m all about handing out more rather than less good tidings, I will choose four awesome recipients to proudly display their own two paws up award.

JavaJunkee

Ginny over at Praying to Darwin

Peter Parkour at Hate and Anger

Romi

I would also award one to Joan Harvest and my bestie Talea, but they were awarded along with me! I figure it’s best to spread the love further, hehe.

Oh, and since technically I do share this blog with Josh, I’m just going to go ahead and slather an extra bit of love over his other blog as well 😉

Peace out! I’ve got more shit to knit!

One Year of Kick-Yer-Ass Awesome

Josh and I met one year ago today. He’s not home right now, and I just got back in from dinner with my mother and now feel like ass. So as far as anniversaries go, it’s probably not the most idealistic. But I still feel like the biggest winner ever. I’m so in love it’s retarded.

We met, quite randomly, via wordpress…and fine, blogspot too I guess, which is where he was before switching to wordpress. In fact, my first comment to him started off with how crap blogspot is. I found him from a comment he left on my post written about the equally crap Toronto Independent Music Awards (crap because there were more thank-you’s to the corporate supporters than actual music or info, and as usual, my usual posse of strange morons abounded in all their poorly-dressed glory).

He wrote:

Despite my general distaste for the Indie scene in general, I loved your account of the evening. I wish I could get this post drunk and seduce it into a one night stand that ends akwardly but still leaves both parties gratified. In fact this could just about be any awards show at any shitty club. It would have been the exact same lame ass people/bull shit. And take pride in how many people you pissed off. They were probably the bald deuche bags that blocked traffic with their charitable buggery. And forget about the grammar. Grammar is for class work and science articles. This is teh facking interweb noobs. Mother fuckers don’t have to grammarize shit if they don’t feel like it! Ask any LOLcat.

(ed note: I had gotten a lot of grammar-related shit from Indie lovers, and may or may not have pissed off a charitable organization en route to the show.)

Your blog has a perfect title, cause after reading it for the first time, it sort of feels like christmas time. Rock on Green Metropolis. I like chicks with balls. (not actual balls mind you, the metaphorical sort of balls that don’t clutter up the paradice city that is the ball-less vagina)

Lolcats and vaginas. How could I resist? I took a trip on over to his page and found a cool, hilarious, foul-mouthed character who instantly pulled me in with his ranting and raving over Google difficulties. Clearly, we were two awesome people waylayed by the jackassery surrounding us.

I wrote:

yeah, i’m with ben about the wordpress.com leaflet. But can I tell you that you’re awesome? I have totally blogrolled you (not that I remember how I repaired it), and if you happen to be at my site, you might find a kindred spirit with my post “Fuck you, you fucktarded fucking fuckbags.” Just a thought.

Kindred spirits indeed. More like meant to be.

And if you’re wondering who ‘ben’ is, he was some random person who commented just before me with *sneaks in*leaves a wordpress leaflet*sneaks out. I have no idea who he is, but I agreed and decided to say so. I’d thank him for his small role in this tale, but his blog is long abandoned with no contact. Oh well, we all play a bit-part in someone’s story.

It continued on from there, with more comments and almost immediate flirting. I was smitten. So was he. We each talked to our mutual e-friends about each other (*cough*Romi*cough*Talea-even-though-she’s-my-real-friend-too*cough*) while still avoiding the terrifying reality that is turning to someone you have a total crush on and telling them how you feel.

We began talking via msn, and facebook, sending each other long letters every day, sometimes two, or letters so long that facebook insisted on multiple…

…..

Sorry, multiple installments. Got a little distracted there. Ahem.

Right, lots of letters. Paragraph upon paragraph exploring our lives and our very different worlds. Our experiences with life, love and everything in between. In regards to our lives, they were and continue to be very different. We always have something to talk about, even though we’ve reached the point where we’re comfortable just sitting quietly together. In regards to love, we had both been jilted a few times. He had mentioned a few girls, and I disapproved of them – partially because I’m naturally a very judgemental person and mostly because I was already jealous and wanted him for my own. And I was rotating between a few non-committal characters that he could already recognize as completely wrong for me.

I’ve been reading back through our letters, and while I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it became clear that we were head over heels, there was a day where I announced my belief that a horrible joke was being played on us – we would so obviously be together if not for the 800 miles between us. From that point, we gradually changed from friends to more-than-friends with no effort at all. It’s like we had been together all along, and it only made sense. The 800 miles no longer seemed like a factor in a decision. It wasn’t a matter of choosing whether or not to pursue something that was sure to be difficult. It was now a simple fact that we were together, and there was this giant space between us that had to be conquered. We had started dating without having yet met.

On March 11th of this year, after he wrote a long, heartfelt, romantic letter on facebook, promptly had it accidentally erased, and then simply blurted out over msn “I’m in love with you,” Josh and I became an official ‘couple’. It’s awesome. He is awesome. We are awesome. Having Josh has changed me in so many ways for the better, and for once I feel like I’m doing something right. I win. I win, I win, I win I win I win. Whatever lottery or system of karma that determines who we find in life to carry us through, be it luck, destiny, fate, randomness, whatever you feel like calling it, I hit the total jackpot.

And here’s the best part: we’re not just in love (as well as total and complete lust), we’re in like. I *like* Josh. I can fart on him. He can fart on me. I can cry in front of him. I can rant and rave and be a total weirdo. He can insist on ridiculous manly things, be in funny moods, and send me e-cards to inform me that the bird is in fact, the word. He can comment freely on how hot such-and-such an actress is, and I still have my other boyfriends (Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue and George Stroumboulopoulos of CBC’s The Hour – as long as they don’t find out, since people do resort to restraining orders and whatever) because at the end of the day I feel totally secure that Josh is my man and will be there when I need him. Emotional security is not an easy accomplishment for a crazy girl like me, but Josh ninja-kicked his way through and ran off with my heart, leaving me with nothing to say except “Awesome. Count me in.”

*Round of Applause*

So today is not our official one year anniversary, but it’s still a pretty awesome day. Because we’re not just a couple, we’re friends too. And that is totally worth celebrating.