An Assortment of Late Night Thoughts

– The phrase “It feels great, the hair feels amazing!” Should never be uttered on late night television. Somehow, the fact that it is uttered in an ad for “shake on hair” (technical term: hair loss concealer, I’m not even making this up) somehow only makes it worse.

– What is wrong with Jay Leno’s chin? And David Letterman’s teeth? And Conan O’Brien’s hair? Is that why Jimmy Kimmel will never be as popular? Because he doesn’t have some weird physical abnormality?

– Josh is right, that was a crepe I was making in that pic, not french toast. Breakfast cognition: fail.

– I really regret getting rid of my magic bullet blender. I’m still convinced that I’d use it. I never used it. I blame the fact that I never looked at the recipe book that came with it.

– I want to be that person who gets to choose classical music clips for cartoons. They probably have a better search process for finding vague pieces than googling ‘that fluttery song they play when its sunrise.’

– Is that a spider on the wall or just a shadow? Should I get up and try to smoosh it? Or will that result in an unfortunate 2am fire since I’m incapable of squishing things and must instead torch them with hairspray and a lighter?

– Why the hell don’t they display the comedian’s name at the end of the segment when I’ve decided whether or not to pay attention? By the time I care, I don’t know who I want to Google.

– Shakespearean improv troupes should not be allowed on Just For Laughs.

– Disney is solely responsible for my choice in hair colour and crushed expectations of impossible volume.

Suck it Disney. This hair is not possible.


– Why are odd numbered groups of items considered more aesthetically pleasing? Like the number of flowers in a fancy hair style, or food arrangements, like spring rolls. They always give you three spring rolls…that doesn’t work for sharing!

– Is there something wrong with me for enjoying foreign documentaries so much or is it just the product of having no cable for too long? And for that matter, when did Ed Burtinsky go from photography to narrating documentaries on other photographers?

– Ok, so what the hell is ‘Dadaism’?

– What is Angela Bowie’s problem?

– Sometimes I feel like I’m the only twenty-something office peon who can spend the morning discussing supply chains and market research, and then hide in the admin office for lunch, flapping my black pashmina around and yelling ‘I AM THE BATMAN!”

– Goddamn, I want some perogies…

– Does Lysol really care how much bacteria is on my counter, or are they just trying to make money?

– Why on earth would any food-vending company think that “secret sauce” sounds at all appealing? Maybe in the more innocent days of yore, but not in these perverted times.

– You know it’s gone from ‘late night’ to ‘early morning’ when every damn station tells me either how dirty my house is, how inefficient my vegetable chopping is, or 80% of the time – how fat I am. Can you see me, television? How the hell do you know about my hip jigglage?

– Maybe I do need a Sham-Wow. Or anything else that Vince guy is selling. I wonder if he’s secretly glad that Billy Mays is out of the picture…

– If ‘bagel bites’ now contain real cheese, what the hell ass were they using before? And for that matter, what’s in those little Ritz Bitz cracker dealios?

– They should have a cereal called ‘Dealios.” I’d buy it.

– Can my houseplants think?

– Pros to being vegetarian: no chicken-head mcnuggets.

– Dammit, it’s 3am. Am I never going to fall asl-

– Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..


  1. Meagan said,

    October 24, 2009 at 5:10 am

    ” Why are odd numbered groups of items considered more aesthetically pleasing? ” Not sure, but it’s an actual principle they teach in design classes. I think it has to do with balance, a composition with an even number of elements is sort of too balanced- it’s static and dull. Odd numbers are more dynamic and encourage the eye to move around the space.

    On the other hand, a jewler once told me you never put two similarly sized stones next to each other, because the viewer feels the need to choose one, or find a difference, causing uncomfortable visual tension. This does not seem to be the case with three stones, or five, so maybe there’s something of that in the odd vs. even problem.

    Yeah, they taught us that in art school, and then later again when I learned hairstyling, but I’ve always wondered why our brains work that way. How bizarre…

  2. Duffboy said,

    October 25, 2009 at 3:50 am

    I suspected you were THE BATMAN, the redhead, curly, sexy canadian, female version, that is 😉

    I’m pretty sure I’m the batman, I just haven’t had any sudden comic-book worthy epik realizations yet. 😛

  3. sleepyjane said,

    October 26, 2009 at 6:25 am

    “Hip jigglage” is now officially part of my vocab. 😉

    It should be part of everybody’s! 😛

  4. javajunkee said,

    October 27, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! oh gaw this is friggin hilarous! You have now gave me new stuff to sit around and ponder.

    ohh ohhh did you see the new toy Vince is selling…I can’t wait to see how many people buy that thing..get it stuck in their sink and call the plumber only to find out that he too has seen the infomercial and has added another $50 onto his fee just because somebody shoved that thing piece of metal into their sink pipe. Cuz I am looking at it and know what would happen if I tried that… I would accidently let go of the would slide down into the pipe and I’d be screwed. BUT I was impressed with the FREE (probably costs maybe a nickel to make plastic hook with that glue on the side that you can stick to your cabinet so this thing is always handy)…Now I am thinking they are throwing that in ..because you will need a place to store it after you find out it’s not as amazing as he makes it seem. Didn’t show the 100 outtakes of plumbers taking apart the sink now did we? All this for 3 low monthly payments of $19.95 BUT WAIT THERE IS ALWAYS MORE…if you call in the next 5 minutes (which turns into a whole year)..we’ll throw in 1 for free. You know why because it’s going to be cheaper for you to use the free one to get the one you paid for out of your sink than calling the fucking plumber! And now I think I am going to go blog about this! Thank you for this enlightening post! 🙂

    No, I haven’t seen it yet! I’ll have to keep watching! But I’ll make sure to keep my credit card info locked up in a box with a combination I can’t possibly remember that late at night, otherwise I could get myself in trouble! 😛

  5. Jen512 said,

    October 31, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I had to google perogies, I had never heard of them! Dumplings filled with potatoes and cheese!? Uh, where do I sign up? Yum.

    Dooooood! How have you not heard of perogies? Oh man…I seriously need to find some, stat! They come in all kinds of flavours too! Talea still rants about these blueberry ones, I need to get me some of those too. But the potato and cheese ones are still my fave. Pan fried with sour cream and onions? *incoherent drooling sounds* Mmmmmm. I highly recommend them.

    • Jen512 said,

      November 2, 2009 at 7:09 pm

      I’m still trying to figure out how I missed that memo, AND I have a Polish aunt and cousins! Maybe they were keeping them a secret because they wanted those perogies all to themselves, I know I would.

      Other than that, in TX there are a lot German/Czech so we’re more into kolaches and wurst. Kolaches are sorta the same idea, that is fattiness stuffed with fattiness. Mmm…

      Sounds like you’ve got some catching up to do. Stock up on sour cream! Mmmmm….

  6. urbanvox said,

    November 2, 2009 at 9:45 am

    I am the batman!!!!! 😛
    Dealios ROCK!!!

    No way, I’m the batman! We’ll have to settle this with a duel. To the batcave!

  7. David said,

    November 4, 2009 at 11:07 pm


    as you should!

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