– The phrase “It feels great, the hair feels amazing!” Should never be uttered on late night television. Somehow, the fact that it is uttered in an ad for “shake on hair” (technical term: hair loss concealer, I’m not even making this up) somehow only makes it worse.
– What is wrong with Jay Leno’s chin? And David Letterman’s teeth? And Conan O’Brien’s hair? Is that why Jimmy Kimmel will never be as popular? Because he doesn’t have some weird physical abnormality?
– Josh is right, that was a crepe I was making in that pic, not french toast. Breakfast cognition: fail.
– I really regret getting rid of my magic bullet blender. I’m still convinced that I’d use it. I never used it. I blame the fact that I never looked at the recipe book that came with it.
– I want to be that person who gets to choose classical music clips for cartoons. They probably have a better search process for finding vague pieces than googling ‘that fluttery song they play when its sunrise.’
– Is that a spider on the wall or just a shadow? Should I get up and try to smoosh it? Or will that result in an unfortunate 2am fire since I’m incapable of squishing things and must instead torch them with hairspray and a lighter?
– Why the hell don’t they display the comedian’s name at the end of the segment when I’ve decided whether or not to pay attention? By the time I care, I don’t know who I want to Google.
– Shakespearean improv troupes should not be allowed on Just For Laughs.
– Disney is solely responsible for my choice in hair colour and crushed expectations of impossible volume.
Suck it Disney. This hair is not possible.
– Why are odd numbered groups of items considered more aesthetically pleasing? Like the number of flowers in a fancy hair style, or food arrangements, like spring rolls. They always give you three spring rolls…that doesn’t work for sharing!
– Is there something wrong with me for enjoying foreign documentaries so much or is it just the product of having no cable for too long? And for that matter, when did Ed Burtinsky go from photography to narrating documentaries on other photographers?
– Ok, so what the hell is ‘Dadaism’?
– What is Angela Bowie’s problem?
– Sometimes I feel like I’m the only twenty-something office peon who can spend the morning discussing supply chains and market research, and then hide in the admin office for lunch, flapping my black pashmina around and yelling ‘I AM THE BATMAN!”
– Goddamn, I want some perogies…
– Does Lysol really care how much bacteria is on my counter, or are they just trying to make money?
– Why on earth would any food-vending company think that “secret sauce” sounds at all appealing? Maybe in the more innocent days of yore, but not in these perverted times.
– You know it’s gone from ‘late night’ to ‘early morning’ when every damn station tells me either how dirty my house is, how inefficient my vegetable chopping is, or 80% of the time – how fat I am. Can you see me, television? How the hell do you know about my hip jigglage?
– Maybe I do need a Sham-Wow. Or anything else that Vince guy is selling. I wonder if he’s secretly glad that Billy Mays is out of the picture…
– If ‘bagel bites’ now contain real cheese, what the hell ass were they using before? And for that matter, what’s in those little Ritz Bitz cracker dealios?
– They should have a cereal called ‘Dealios.” I’d buy it.
– Can my houseplants think?
– Pros to being vegetarian: no chicken-head mcnuggets.
– Dammit, it’s 3am. Am I never going to fall asl-
– Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
800 Miles 