Doin’ Toad

So what do you say to someone you love when you haven’t seen them in a year?

Well, a lot of things. “I love you,” of course, along with “I missed you,” and “I can’t believe it’s been a whole year!” Eventually, you say things like “So where do you want to eat?”, “Nap or tv?”, and “Dude, there’s no way they can send that car over the fucking mountains!” (It was a Mythbusters marathon.)

When your vacation is less about exotic destinations and more about relishing the everyday, you find yourself at Target saying things like “I guess camo just isn’t in this year, babe” and “Seriously, I hate thong sandals! Why aren’t there any normal sandals for men?!?”

Thong sandals. Josh fucking hates them.


One thing you definitely wouldn’t expect would be to say “Get the fuck away from me!” However, I did in fact utter those or at least similar words about two thirds of the way through our visit.

I had a good reason though:

No seriously, he's like this in real life.

No seriously, he's like this in real life.


I didn’t want to get warts!

Can you get warts from licking a toad? I mean, he didn’t just pretend to lick it or barely touch it with the tip of his tongue. I know right there it looks like he’s faking and only licking his thumb, but trust me, he full on licked the toad. In fact, there was enough tongue-to-toad direct contact to realize that toads aren’t just slimey, they’re dirty. He spat for about a full minute trying to get the dirt and grit off his tongue before drowning the taste with beer.

*insert American beer joke here*

Then what does he do? Tries to kiss me.

Oh hells no! I don’t want your warts, get away! I squirmed and wriggled and refused to let him kiss me, loudly proclaiming “It’s okay, my best friend is engaged to a doctor! I need to check with him first!” There was no way I was going to end up coming back and having to explain “Oh these? No, no, it’s not herpes. It’s actually far more ridiculous. My boyfriend licked a toad.”

Naturally, he thought I was hilarious and took great delight in occasionally leaning over for a smooch and seeing how close he could get before I remembered that he was covered in toady, toady gross. You’d think I wouldn’t forget, seeing that it had *just* happened. Right, did I mention I was also drinking beer? He got pretty close a couple of times. Plus, he’s my man after all – it’s not easy not kissing him!

Eventually, though, my beer ran out. And so I did what any miffed girlfriend does – I grabbed his.

Mid-swig, the smirk on his face caught my attention.

“Darlin’?” he says.

“What?” I snip back.

“Now tell me, how is that any different from kissing me?”



“….   ….   …..Well, fuck.”

After a raucous round of pointing and laughing, I grumbled “Oh fine, go brush your teeth.”

So…as it turns out, you can’t get warts in your mouth from licking a toad. Or maybe you can and we just didn’t. Or at least I didn’t, and Josh hasn’t mentioned anything to me about any toad-related regrets other than a mouthful of dirt. But I was seriously grossed out, and wouldn’t kiss him anymore until after he brushed his teeth. For once, his habit of brushing about seven times a day came in handy.

Still, if our kids turn out like this, I won’t be held responsible.



  1. Josh said,

    August 8, 2009 at 4:53 am

    Dude, that was hilarious, and everyone knows it. You drinking that beer after I drank it with my toad warts was sooooo funny. Maybe i'[m just an insane lunatic, but i still laugh at the pictures. And thong sandals are the work of the devil. I hate those rotten toe spreading bastards. Thongs should only ever go on women folks. (ps – if I had really gotten tongue warts, guess where you would be warty right now!)

    Don’t worry, I’ll get you back when you least expect it. Like sewing thongs onto all your sandals. Maha! Mahahahaha!

  2. Jen512 said,

    August 8, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Haha, flip flops gross you out, but toad licking, no problem, eh? Boys boys boys. Why does this little story bring back playground memories? The things boys will do to try and impress girls, should never surprise me.

    At least it wasn’t some crazy Amazonian toad, they won’t give you warts, but you’d have a different kind of crazy story to tell, meeting Jesus and all.

    He is, he is such a boy! That’s ok, I love him though. Besides, I’m sure the warts will be gone by the time I see him again. 😛

  3. birdpress said,

    August 9, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Didn’t you know? Toad Wart Syndrome is dormant for up to six weeks. After that they come out full force. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Ha, I still think I’m in the clear! But I have to admit I did do quite a bit of double checking during brushing time.

  4. Romi said,

    August 9, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Hahaha…this right here is the reason I missed blogging so much! Ah Em, I feel like I’ve launched right back into my vicarious relationship with you and Josh, and no I’m not afraid of getting warts! 😉

    Romi! Have I mentioned I’ve missed you?! So glad you’re back! Pretty soon you’ll get to chill with us in person, it’ll be rad! Well, you can already chill with me, but soon you can chill with we 😉

  5. sleepyjane said,

    August 10, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Oh ew ew ew ew!!

    I know, right?! I did that girly flapping-my-hands-with-grossness run for about five minutes before I would even stop saying ‘ew!’ long enough to say ‘get away!’

  6. duffboy said,

    August 12, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Mhh, toad licking can’t be a couples’s activity, at least not for everyone I think. That’s just nasty… but beer trumps toad-cooties!

    Hey, yeah! Doesn’t alcohol disinfect things or something? I’m going to tell myself that.

  7. nursemyra said,

    August 13, 2009 at 9:49 am

    I thought people licked toads to get high……..

    • Emerald said,

      August 21, 2009 at 12:52 am

      In this case, I have to assume he was already out of his tree 😉

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