Five questions from Birdpress

Alright so today Emerald and Josh will be presenting our panel discussion on five questions sent to Em by Birdpress. I say panel discussion rather than answers because we rarely if ever have the ability to actually answer questions without spiraling out of control on a plethora of completely unrelated tangents. The original meme was where you tell someone you want to be interviewed, they make up five questions for you, and then when you post, you offer to do the same for other people who would like to be interviewed. That’s cool I guess, so uh, if you are out of topics, like we are, and feeling like a lazy ass way to come up with a blog post, leave us a comment and we’ll send you five questions of our choosing. But be warned, I (Josh) will want to participate in the question choosing, so naturally they will be wild card questions designed to make you uncomfortable.

“If you had to be any sex toy, what would it be and who would you want masturbating with you.” Or possibly, “As the newly come-to-power dictator of the world gone mad with power and evil, which people group will you choose to commit atrocities of genocide on.”

Emerald says: You’re hilarious. Mayhaps you should introduce Birdpress’ questions, which while nowhere near as controversy generating, are still pretty awesome conversation starters.

Josh says: Right on. 1.  What are the best and worst things that are likely to happen to you in the coming week?

I was actually expecting the usual Monday morning mountain of dishes in the kitchen at the office. Clients have 24 hour access, and there’s often seminars and whatnot going on when I’m not around to press start on this fantastic new machine called a flippin’ dishwasher. So Monday mornings usually suck for that, but it wasn’t so bad today.I guess in any given week, the worst thing that could happen would be the phones and internet going down, or a surprise visit by my uber boss who feels like touching all the surfaces I forgot to polish. The best thing that could happen this week would be winning something other than a ‘Please play again’ at Tim Horton’s Roll Up the Rim to Win. ‘Please play again’ doesn’t taste very good, and other than that I’ve only won a few donuts or coffee back at the start to get me hooked. You, by the way, will love Tim Hortons.

Hell yeah, I’m all about trying the Timmy Ho’s, partially because you rave about it like some tween fangirl, and partly because any place named “Ho’s” should rock.

Well, you need coffee, and this is anti-Starbucks.

This is kind of a hard question for me because I’m expecting a fairly boring week. I got the beer shits from staying up till one in the morning last night drinking and watching Richard Florida lecture on global economics, so I guess that would be a bad thing, followed by the return of solid poo at some time in the near future, which will be a good thing.

*facepalm* I guess it’s partially my fault for sending you the link.

Wednesday morning it’s going to be below freezing on my ride to work, so my sperms are in danger, that kind of sucks. (cause of the scooter ride deal, which leaves my junk fairly exposed to the elements) Also, I have a birthday coming up in the next week, not that I get very excited over turning 25, but still I guess it’s something.  And by the way, I just don’t get the whole birthday emphasis in our culture. What’s up with that? I mean, I like to party a little extra, but I pretty much party all the time anyway, so it’s not a big deal. How do you feel about birthdays Em?

Right, well I’ve decided that since you don’t make a big deal out of birthdays it would be better for me to spend money on something non-birthday related, but still totally awesome: getting my passport and my ass down to NC, so we can, you know, make out and whatever.

Face fuck.

Girl birthdays are pretty easy: dinner + time + one gift (not expensive, but thoughtful. expensive gifts are for anniversaries, which are: more romantic dinner (maybe flowers, but not necessary with me) + time + gift and/or romantic gesture)  And face fucking, sure. Mostly just getting you all to myself.

Dude, how exactly am I supposed to get a thoughtful gift? I mean, if I think real hard about what to get, and then pick a crappy gift you don’t like, isn’t that technically a thoughtful but crappy gift? Is there some trick that men could learn about how to buy the right thoughtful gift? Because I always end up just buying some shit I think is really cool, and then other people hate it. Like knives.

Well the idea of a thoughtful gift is that you know enough about our personalities to think of something that we would like.  But I know we are mysterious to you, so I don’t mind giving you hints. And I really don’t make a big deal out of gifts anyways. It’s the fact that you think about it and care enough to worry that matters.

Right, so just for the future, I suck at hints too, If you want something, put up a poster in the kitchen.

I will not put a poster up in the kitchen, I will give you examples of things I like and you can do your best.

2.  If you had to change your first name to another name that was also the name of a gemstone, what would you choose?

Um, well, I was going to say Ruby until earlier today….

What’s wrong with Ruby?

Well, I don’t know if this blog is an appropriate forum for a graphic picture of Ruby the Transexual Midget that I sent you earlier (because I am the greatest girlfriend ever.)

Oh right, yeah that was one fugly ass he-she mutant fucker! He had kind of a large dick though, for such a little guy.

Apparently that’s the norm. I had a friend in university who had a serious thing for trannies, except they had to have boobs to go with it. He wasn’t necessarily ‘into’ trannies, just totally, unendingly fascinated by them. Kind of like you with midgets. Except you actually really love midgets.

I do love midgets, that is true. So what gemstone name would you have then if you don’t like Ruby? Should I even point out the obvious one? Oh wait, she said change your name to a different gemstone. Nevermind.

Wait, what? What’s the obvious one?


Yeah,  “different” gemstone. Uhhhh, hang on, let me Google my options, yo.

OK, here’s my problem, all gemstone names make dudes sound like twink loving fairies. Seriously. So I was thinking maybe Topaz, cause it sounds like a space man, although I don’t know if that counts as a “gemstone” in the purist sense of the word.

Maybe Malachite, because it kind of sounds like Maleficent, who was the baddest Disney bad-chick ever. Oh, fuck that, YOU can be Malachite!

Could I pick “coal”, which is kind of like a baby diamond?

Because my complaint was that it sounded too manly.

Well, Malachite sounds pretty cool. Sounds like an alternate name for the devil actually, so that rocks.

I don’t know if Malachite is a technical gemstone, I was trying to find all the ones for birthstones, but Wikipedia says, so clearly it’s true.

…Got it. Tourmaline.

Tourmaline sounds like an ice cream flavor. If I dropped the gem part and just picked a stone, Slate would be pretty bad ass.

You bet your ass I’m your damn ice cream flavour, bitch! (ass wiggle)

Ok, moving on.

3.  If you were forced to get a tattoo in the center of your forehead, what would you like the tattoo to be?

Oh, hmmm. Shit, I was thinking about this earlier today. Oh right! Hang on…

Fuck Yeah

Except with green, natch.

What the fuck are you doing surfing around on I KNEW IT!

(simultaneously) Yeah, we should talk… Did we just brainsex?

Yes, we did just brainsex. So you would get the entire She-ra on your forehead, or just the … headband thingy?

Just the headband thingy.

Oh that’s cool, I would get a realistic but demonic looking third eye tattooed right in the center of my forehead so I could freak out children and elderly people, and the religious right.

**(Insert ten minute interlude for phones and internet fucking up repeatedly)**

Ok, so, as I was saying before our phones AND msn started acting up (see what we put up with, people???), I was saying how I like that we’re complete opposites on some things. Like, in my head, that headband might actually be silver and green, and most people might not get the reference without the whole wing-face thing.

You could get the wings tattooed on the sides of your head.

Most people around here would probably assume it to be some weird counter-culture vaguely spiritual thing and not even blink, but you’d go for total attention. Actually though, it’d probably look pretty spiritual too, in that manly higher-plane type of way. We’d make a good face-tattoo pair.

Um, no wing tattoos. Maybe some type of head dress get up for a Halloween costume.

Did I tell you I was locked up with a guy who looked just like Charles Manson, and he even had the damn swastika tattoo on his forehead? Him and his meth smoking wife got arrested and locked up for squatting in an abandoned home. He was pretty chill, but kind of scary, and everyone just called him Manson.

Um, no you did not. Half of me thinks ‘doooooode, awesome!’ and the other half thinks…well, the other half isn’t so sure.

Yeah jail is full of questionable characters, but mostly pretty good folks who just suck at following the law.

4.  Would you rather gain 70 lbs all over your body or gain ten pounds just in your ass?

Ha, you would want both, wouldn’t you? (pause) I mean on me.

No, I mean I would still love you with an extra seventy pounds all over and an extra ten in your ass, but I prefer big thick juicy women, not fat ass fatties. Although I will still pork a fat ass fatty. I think you’re a good weight right now, the perfect balance of curves and softness, but not too much.

See, that’s why I’m banging you. I guess I’d go with ten in just my ass then, cause either way would suck, but at least 10 is easier to lose than 70. This chick I used to waitress with gained 65 pounds for a 5 pound baby. Like, woooaaah.

I would also choose ten in my ass, because I think it would be hilarious. I already have what some women have referred to as a honkytonk badonkadonk. So if I added ten more just in my ass, I would look like some sort of ass clown, and I would carry things around on it and play fun games like jumping and landing on my fat ass without receiving injury. It would be like a fun accessory.

We’d end up on /b/ so fast. Us and our butts.

It’s coming, don’t worry.

And I like your butt just the way it is.

5.  If you were given $100,000 to be split among three charities, which ones would you choose?

Toronto Humane Society, Covenant House and The Hospital for Sick Children. The first ’cause I have a soft spot for animals, the second ’cause I have a soft spot for the homeless, and third ’cause they saved my life and stuff, so I guess I owe them. I figure when we can afford it, one of those hospital lotteries once in a while is enough for my general level of karma.

Fuck that, charities blow. I would give one third to NORML, so that maybe one day we can have legalized marijuana. And then I actually happen to know two women named Charity, so I would work up a deal to give them each a third, on agreement to split the cash monies with yours truly, leaving you and me with a cool $33,333 to spend on hookers and blow. Or a place to live, whatever.

How about I give you a place to live and you can spend it on weed and glorious takeout? We can eat sushi off a naked chick or something as a compromise.

Alright, but who do you want to take out?  That jack off from Full House has a new sitcom, we could take him out.

Well, I will take you out to all my favourite places (so you know what kind of stuff I like) and then you can start taking me places. I’m sure you’ll find places I’ve never even been too.

Do you have slums under your bridges?

Under some, although I think they’re more tent-city than slummy. We even  had people stand up for this one guy the city made move. And I knew a homeless girl who slept under a bridge with a dog named Tequila.  Why?

I have no idea, it just seemed like one of those places I might end up. They have really fun dangerous dive bars in the poor sections of towns. But again, unlike you I have no love for the homeless, so I won’t be going to any tent towns.

Yeah, we don’t have actual neighbourhoods under bridges. And you don’t need to go to the ghetto to find a fun dive place. I think you’ll like Sneaky Dees.

Sneeky Dees, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

Sneeky Dee's, now with 50% more acid in your booze!

It sounds like a place I would like. So anyway, I guess this pretty much wraps up our meme. Do you have anything else you want to add?

Well I mentioned in the last post that we had a bit of news regarding the ‘Saving Up to Move’ ticker. Did you want to go into a little further detail on that, now that we’ve decided for sure, and the lawyer has given his general approval of our plan?

Oh right, cause people were thinking we were getting engaged! Ha! Suckers, we so are not getting engaged. But we have had a little change of plans, I am now planning on moving up to Toronto this winter, rather than Em moving down to North Carolina this summer. Long story short I found out my probation is over earlier than I expected, and long term we plan on living in Canada, so it made more sense for me to move. We’re both really excited about it, and I can’t wait to com see your beautiful big city and country. Even if I do have to learn things like how to not accidentally be racist to Eskimos and Indians. (long story for another post)


So should I end with a joke then?

Well I was going to say that this should all hopefully go according to plan as long as you have all your paperwork saying ‘yep, I’m all good and done with my legal shiznat’, and just come on up for a Christmas visit. We’ll spend some time looking at schools, and once that’s taken care of we’re pretty much on our way. But if you want to end with a joke, go right ahead.

*the opinions expressed in the following are those of Josh’s, just fyi*

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?

I don’t know, but I’ve turned 24 since you last saw me, so you might want to get used to those.

There’s twenty of them! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Child abuse is hilarious!




  1. joanharvest said,

    April 7, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    My mind has not been able to read long posts. Some kind of ADD thing going on but this was so freakin’ funny I read the whole thing without even taking a pee break.

    I am reading your “possibly related posts : automatically generated” and the first one is my post of “How I broke my ass”.. What a coincidence though I don’t believe that either one of you broke your asses so I’m not sure of the relationship between our two posts. I guess it’s that we are all wicked cool people. What else could it be. I suppose it could be all that talk about porking fat ass fattys but I truly think it’s because we are cool ass folks.

  2. David said,

    April 8, 2009 at 3:51 am

    Well good for you Joan! And the serendipity of your broken ass post. I had to fast forward to the end because these 2 sweethearts lost me at the tourmaline ice cream flavour. But I’ll come back tomorrow because I know in my heart of hearts that they’re worth it. And I’m on vacation this week.

    Thanks Em and Josh! 🙂

  3. David said,

    April 9, 2009 at 2:31 am

    And it was totally worth coming back to finish reading this, though I feel a little dirty now. You two are a fuckin riot! Thanks for sharing your “interview” and weird-ass chat. Congratulations on advancing your get together schedule too.

    I would spend the $100,000 on vodka, cigarettes, and really nice meat.

  4. lifeunderacarolinamoon said,

    April 9, 2009 at 2:59 am

    That was long but worth it! HA! I enjoyed the banter! BTW, I’m back. New blog away from prying eyes…

  5. Allie said,

    April 10, 2009 at 2:41 am

    Haha! You two crack me up! And make me go awwwwww! 🙂

  6. Pure Evyl said,

    April 10, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    That Sneaky Dee’s looks like a killer place.

  7. JavaQueen said,

    April 13, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    It’s cool to see that even though you and Josh are temporarily separated, you have such a wonderful connection (and mad sense of humor) together. Laughter is key. Btw, Award for you at my place 🙂

  8. Emerald said,

    April 15, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    @ JoanHarvest: How awesome is that that you got tagged as a related post? It must be our cool-ass selves, for sure! And it was a long post, I never realize how long we ramble until I see it published. Thanks for sticking around to the end 😛

    @ David: I totally understand that this one could be a two-parter, but at least we are amusing!

    @ LifeUnderaCarolinaMoon: Nice to see you back, don’t forget to change your profile to have the URL for your blog as your website. That way people can link to your blog from your comments!

    @ Allie: Thanks, we go awwww pretty frequently 😉

    @ PureEvyl: Dude, it totally is! They serve food until 4am, its where all the bartenders in the city go for food after closing up shop at 2am elsewhere.

    @ JavaQueen: Well you make do with what you can, right? I’m glad we’ve been able to not go totally insane with being apart, but it won’t be much longer! Woot awards, I’ll come peep it out!

  9. Romi said,

    April 15, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    muahahaha…I am so evil but I am still laughing at Josh’s twenty three-year-olds joke!….so wrong….hahaha…

    And Em, your tattoo choice totally re-kindled my love for She-Ra!!!! Did you watch Jem as well by any chance?

    PS: Yay, yay, yay, I am SOOO excited for “Josh comes to Canada”!!!! I can’t wait to meet him!!!….gonna be the best Christmas EVER for you Em! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  10. Romi said,

    April 15, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    and the best Christmas for Josh, super-obviously 😉

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