So I’ve got a bit of a hate-on for this chick. She just…gets to me. On every level. Not a thing out of her mouth warrants any artistic merit, and if her weird-ass Vanity Fair photos weren’t enough she now has some racist photo scanadal thing going on. Whatever. I can deal with all that vanilla media hype and chalk it up to some desperate paparazzi somewhere itching for that million dollar unflattering photo now that Britney has her shit together again.
And then I stumbled upon this while reading Cracked.com at the office trying to stifle my third-day-at-reception-with-nothing-to-do boredom.
Miley, you are a strange, bizarre little girl. Who’s bright idea was it to make these things flesh coloured?
And the weirdest part: “Individual Pouches for Portion Control.” Screw excess packaged waste, we don’t want our little Backfat Bettie’s getting fist deep in fake wang candies!
Won't somebody please think of the children!
800 Miles 
Peter Parkour said,
February 7, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Looks like she’s getting ready to go down, er, um, I mean… looks like she’s getting ready to eat one on the package too. 😈
Pure Evyl said,
February 8, 2009 at 12:56 am
And the guitar shape is ribbed for pleasure.
luvmoons said,
February 8, 2009 at 4:17 am
Hilarious! Another smart move by Miley!
birdpress said,
February 8, 2009 at 5:47 pm
If that is the guitar, I don’t think I want to see what the microphone shapes look like!
nursemyra said,
February 8, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Pure Evyl’s comment is too funny
Romi said,
February 9, 2009 at 4:15 am
hahahahaa…..a fifteen year old is peddling wang candy!!!….muahahaha…oh Miley, you entertain in ways that you probably didn’t anticipate 😉
CuriousC said,
February 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
oh my. I shudder.
Emerald said,
February 9, 2009 at 5:21 pm
@ PeterParkour: Oh, if I could only believe that was coincidental.
@ PureEvyl: No kidding, right? What’s with the disappointing floppiness?
@ LuvMoons: I think it’s less Miley and more ‘some dude in marketing’ but someone really ought to have put their foot down somewhere. Like maybe Mr. Cyrus?
@ Birdpress: I’m at least hoping the microphones are a different colour. You know, besides ‘wang.’
@ NurseMyra: I thought so too!
@ Romi: I know, poor thing is probably completely lost on the humour in all this. Or not, I mean, I knew what I was talking about when I was fifteen….
@ CuriousC: I know what you mean. I’m not at all used to being the prude, but I would not be ok with any kid I know bringing that home.
May said,
February 9, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I love this! It’s totally insane, all of it.
widdleshamrock said,
February 9, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Ick, I have no time for Miley either.
Can’t stand the way singers and actors are marketed.
Anja said,
February 9, 2009 at 9:07 pm
I always knew she sucked a lot of cock to get to the top.
birdpress said,
February 10, 2009 at 12:48 am
Boy, Anja doesn’t mince words, does she?
Emerald said,
February 10, 2009 at 2:52 am
@ May: Yeah, even back in the day when this sort of thing may have appealed to a 12-year-old me (if there was an attractive male on the cover), I would still stop short of any sort of consumable product. I mean, New Kids On The Block Blow-Pop Rings? Not so much…
@ WiddleShamrock: I know right? What happened to the days of band auditions? Of getting paid in beer? Of colouring your nails with a Sharpie because nail polish was for wimps? Now it’s a weave and a studio engineer with enough know-how to make crap palpable.
@ Anja: Methinks it’s more about the daddy and the somewhat asskissing nature *taps nose, winks* Couldn’t manage a comeback?
@ Birdpress: Welcome to the internet 😉
Josh said,
February 10, 2009 at 3:12 am
I think it’s kind of sexy actually. Did I never mention I have a fetish for underage fake blonds with face lifts (check the pic! WTF!) and gigantic teeth (again, WTF!) who publicly felate gummy candies? I also happen to be a fan of backfat betties.
And speaking of single servings, what the hell is up with selling energy drinks in cans that hold two servings, like you can somehow magically shut the can back up and save the second half for later. That’s fucking retarded.
javajunkee said,
February 10, 2009 at 2:01 pm
LOL ok those are just nasty looking. I can’t stand that little twit anyhow…and feel sorry for her brother who has real talent! GO TRACE!
pamajama said,
February 10, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I’m really dumb-founded by that picture! There’s no way in hell the distributors were unaware of what those look like. WTF? My daughter loves the girl & there’s no changing that fact. However, I think I’m in love with Anja:)
Emerald said,
February 11, 2009 at 11:25 pm
@ Le Boyfriend: Well I knew about the Backfat Bettie’s but I didn’t know about your gummy felation fetish. I’m a big fan of those little gummy frogs that are half clear green, half opaque white. Especially if they’re frozen. Let me know if that churns your butter at all 😉
Oh god, I will never use the phrase ‘churns your butter’ ever again. Yark.
@ JavaJunkee: Isn’t her brother in Metro Station or something? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, that Shake It song? It’s a little embarassing. It’s totally on my playlist, don’t get me wrong. It’s just on the playlist that I hide when company is over 😛
@ Pamajama: Ok, I know the distributors and marketing people and all them folk make these ridiculous decisions, but I still can’t fathom how someone, somewhere along the way (uh, like maybe dad since it is his underage daughter and all…) didn’t stop long enough to think “um…yeah, no.” However! It just dawned on me that the majority of her fans may actually be too young to really know what’s going on here. Maybe not even subliminally. Fingers crossed!
javajunkee said,
February 12, 2009 at 4:09 am
ROFLMAO…Shake it is on my radio most of the time full blast! And I’m 46 friggin years old! 🙂 I’m either too senile to know I’m too old to listen to let alone enjoy that stuff or old enough not to give a rats ass…and I’m pretty sure it’s the second one! Listen to tell me what to do…that’s a good song!
Emerald said,
February 12, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@ javajunkee: That is awesome, and I’m totally going with Option 2 as well. A good friend of mine is allllllllllll about the embarassing pop music and says that when she appears to be no longer listening to it, she’s really just in the closet about it 😛
pamajama said,
February 12, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Oh, YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE PARENTS. Fuck that. My kid’s face wouldn’t go within a mile of that shit & I’d choke a distributor who suggested the idea. As for being too young to understand it, definitely! If my daughter thought she was eating a gummy penis she might actually fall on the floor in convulsions:) She is not a fan of the male body quite yet – actually, as a 2-year old she was pissed she didn’t have “one of those things,” & cried over it. Then with sour grapes and all she decided they’re so totally gross. I do agree with JavaJunkee on some of the songs — 7 Things I Hate About You is one of my favorites:)
JavaQueen said,
February 14, 2009 at 7:36 am
BAHAHAHAHAH! wait, …. BAHAHAHAHH! Excellent post!
Emerald said,
February 15, 2009 at 3:04 pm
@ Pamajama: I can’t even imagine the conundrum of being a parent and having to weigh the options of “giving my child totally inappropriately shaped candy” and “having to explain to a pouty child why she can’t have what she believes to be innocent candy.”
I’d have to think up some lame excuse. “You can’t have these candies because, um…because Miley Cyrus…uh….she supports North Korea! No…no, that’s slander, and you don’t know what North Korea is anyways. Um…uhhhh, hmmmm. She has cooties! YES! Cooties! Okay! Back to your standard snack purchases now, ok?”
@ JavaQueen: That was pretty much my reaction upon seeing the picture for the first time. That and a hearty “Shut your face, no way!” 😛