Christmastime, & The Livin’s Easy

Hey there my jolly little ho ho ho’s, this is Josh, the lesser seen coauthor of 800 Miles. I’m here to do a little collaborative XXX-mas recap with uh, stories, and … pictures I guess. Lot’s of recappery and what have you. And if you have a problem with a Christmas post in the middle of January, kiss my pearly white ass, we have stuff going on, and real lives tend to interfere with bloggin.

Let me briefly tell my Christmas experience, and then we’ll ask Emerald how it went down with her. I spent Christmas eve with my family, and my grandparents came over. We did all our gift exchanging then, cause Christmas day is always so hectic. (Hectic means they now have accepted that I like to get drunk with my brother and hate family functions.) I got money mostly, and some weird knick knacks, none worth mentioning really. After that we watched Prince Caspian, which is a really cool movie for my family cause my mom used to read the Chronicles of Narnia to us over and over when we were just little kids. It was done pretty well, not awesome, but pretty good. I can’t wait for the Voyage of the Dawntreader.

Then me and my brother and sister in law all headed over to Nate and Sami’s house and got drunked up. LP was house sitting for one of his friends, so he borrowed his Xbox 360 and brought it over. I got him Gears of War and Fallout 3, but he hadn’t gotten his game console yet, it was coming in a week or so. Then we pretty much just sat around and drank beer and tequila sunrises blowing up mutant alien things for a few days. It was a pretty awesome Christmas. Also, Nate introduced me to a game called Combat Arms. It’s a multiplayer online FPS with modern warfare, and it’s free, as in, you don’t have to pay ANY money at all to download or play it, so that pretty much rocks. If I had made a new years resolution to become a gaming junkie and spend waaaaaaay too much time doing geeky shit like playing on the same team as my brother and kicking n00b ass, then I would be doing very well for the year indeed.

(Emerald will henceforth be in italics.)

I spent Christmas eve at May’s house. I figure this is going to be my last Christmas in Canada for a bit, and it seems kind of pointless if there aren’t kids around to be excited by Santa. So Talea and I went there and hung out with the kids and exchanged gifts. Talea got a fun set of wrist warmers from May, and I got a knitted pair of socks although May hadn’t finished them  yet. I got them this weekend. Talea knitted May and apron that she also just finished, and it’s super cute. We got the kids some cool stuff too, though the funnest part for me were these customized Santa videos I did up for the kids. You just go to this link and type in the names, age, blah blah blah and it creates a video of Santa talking to you. It was fun times. Christmas morning I woke up by myself and enjoyed a quiet morning with a nice view and an awesome breakfast. I made eggs on English muffins with hollondaise sauce, and I forgot the orange juice part of my mimosa idea, so I just drank a bottle of champagne.

Christmas Breakfast - Giggity

Christmas Breakfast - Giggity

View from the back window - South!

View from the back window - South!

Well that’s really the important part anyway.

Ha, totally. I was very okay with it.

Why do you think Santa was so jolly, and Rudolph’s nose was so red?

Because Mrs Clause bitches a lot?   Anyways, I didn’t see my actual family until boxing day. Thats because every year we all rush out to the suburbs for this big noisy affair that I’m tired of pretending to care about. Apparently it was very nice this year because my grandparents have moved to Quebec. My grandmother is totally awesome and everything, but, well….she has her charms.

Heh, lucky charms?

Well, did I ever tell you about the time my grandfather broke his arm?

No. The word charms just makes me think of three lesbian hottie witches eating cereal off of each other.

Right. Well, he was a maitre d’ at the Royal York here in Toronto for almost 50 years. One day years and years ago, he was training a new guy who I guess didn’t like his style or whatever. They got in a fight and my grandfather ended up with a broken arm. Which is a big deal because back then it meant he couldn’t work, and a righteous pain in the ass for my grandmother with a bunch of kids to feed.

Don’t you guys have like, free mansions for people who break their arms and stuff? Isn’t that how Canada works?

Not back then. So not that it accomplishes much, but every night until he could go back to work, she would go down to the hotel and wait for the guy that broke her husbands arm. And every night, before letting him pass out the door to leave, she would get right up in his grill and say “If you touch my husband again I’m going to kill you dead, you sonofabitch.” Every night, for weeks she would tell him every night she was going to kill him until the kid finally quit. Ha, I love my grandma, but anyways, she can be feisty and well, noisy. But I did call her on Christmas and I sent her some picture frames that she really liked. Anyways, I got mostly money from my dad and stepmom, and her parents were over for a visit as well. Then my mom picked me up and we went to her mothers for dinner. She has a nice house backing onto a sweet park. Mom got me mostly yoga related stuff.



Wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’.

Um, what?

Sorry, it just came on Pandora Radio.

Haha, loser. That’s okay, I listen to Journey.

You’re the loser, I’m totally rockin out to Dusty Springfield, beyotch. Journey is good though, better than those Rush assholes.

Whatever, it’s not my fault that lame ass DJ down there keeps overplaying them in awe of their genius or whatevs. Anyways, that’s pretty much what I did for Christmas, and I’ve been sick most of the time since then.

Sure, we’ll go with that. So anything else for your Christmas story?

Well of course there’s our Christmas. 😉 Even though we did celebrate it about a week late.

Right right, and I think we should tell the people about that right now, how about in the order they were opened?

Ooh, good idea. Who went first? I think you did.

Um, well you got some yarn from my mom right? And then my folks got some candles or something from you. (My folks opened the box for ME while I was in jail without my permission, so technically they opened their presents first and should come first on this list)

Oh right, the yarn! That’s awesome. Your mom sent me a box of yarn for Christmas, with two skeins of each type, which is perfect for most of my projects. And I sent your parents candles and a lavender scent satchel thingie from an organic store called Pistachio.

And convenient, because I can never remember the word skein, but I can remember the word stien, so I just say that and you know what I mean.

Whatever works for you. I don’t expect you to care about my knitting projects. 😉

I totally do care, but in a man way. I try and show interest, anyway, I think I opened the Guk sauce first then. The Guk sauce is some kind of Canadian concoction, a real arctic witches brew for burgers and what not. it tastes pretty good, kind of like thousand island dressing, but more tangy and with something else I couldn’t quite place. The thing that really got me, the label is hilarious. First the company name is Licks, the most sexual company name since Dick’s. Also, it says “Canadian Eh” down at the bottom. And It also makes a big deal out of having no trans fatty acids, when it’s basically glorified mayo, the most unhealthy of all sauces.



Haha you have Dick’s we have Licks. (Put em together, hey-oh!) Oh yeah, we’re on a super health kick in Canada.

I think the first thing I opened from you was the bikini and the t-shirt. We’ll have to cut and sexify the shirt though, cause you can’t wear something that says ‘Honky Tonk Badonkadonk without having it show off your boobage.

I think Josh wants me to dress like this...

I think Josh wants me to dress like this...

Yeah, absolutely, I love the cleavage. But unfortunately at Mule Day’s they only have one size, and that’s fat.

Haha, yeah. See, if you avoid those trans fatty acids… The bikini is awesome, but that will be for indoors only. 😉



I still don’t get that. I think you look banging in the bikini. I mean bikini’s are supposed to be revealing and sexy right?

Yeah, but generally speaking only very fit people wear them outdoors. It’s this modesty thing that I frankly wish more girls had. I don’t want to see jigglage, and I’m sure nobody but you wants to see mine.

You might be surprised, and I for one am proud to show off my fine ass woman’s body, but whatever makes you feel comfortable. You can wear a one piece or whatever. As long as I get to see you in the rebel flag two piece. (Thrusts pelvis and makes obscene facial gestures.)

I do not wear bathing suits generally speaking, mostly cause I don’t go swimming generally speaking. It’s rather pointless when you’re half blind. But I will wear the top around the house in jeans and you can take advantage of whatever situation you wish. 😉

Next you can see I opened my two new shirts. These are SO me, it’s unbelievable. They are fairly self explanatory, but for anyone who doesn’t know, I would say 99% of my wardrobe consists of t-shirts with some kind of comedy printed on the front. What can I say, rednecks like shirts you can laugh at.

That's MY Captain Awesome!

That's MY Captain Awesome!




I think cool people like shirts you can laugh at, they’re definitely part of the trendy scene hipster life up here. Are you listening to Bon Jovi?

I am NOT a hipster, for the record. And yes I am listening to Bon Jovi.

I know, hence the Bon Jovi. 😛 I’m only teasing, I bought a copy of Slippery When Wet back in the day.

Emerald, I’ve been shot through the heart,and you’re too late. Darlin, you give love, a boner! Mwahahahahahahaha!

I thought it was “and you’re to blame,” but I won’t admit to reading lyrics, so I won’t argue.

You give love a bad name, except you don’t really, so it’s a boner now.

No, I meant “and you’re too late” should be “and you’re to blame” (Em was right)

Okay, so the next thing I opened took me another week at actually open because it was a frigging alligator head.

seriously, wtf?

seriously, wtf?

Yeah, that alligator head cracked me up. Nothing says I love you like sending a decapitated animal head to your vegetarian girlfriend. I laughed so hard.

I bet you did. Jerk. It was funny though. I’ve got it on my bookshelf now. It’s name is Larry.

Larry huh? Like the pickle?

I don’t know of a pickle named Larry, but I figure it goes well with Snippy the Squirrel and Wally the Garden Gnome. Larry the Decapitated Alligator.

Next up I opened the first season of the Office, which is not going to do anything but drastically increase my “that’s what she said” usage. I am sure I will thoroughly enjoy it, because I really like the characters, and Pam’s face/sexyness. Speaking of which, I wonder if there’s any rule 34 for Pam from the office. I’m hesitant to look it up for fear of finding some rule 34 for Dwight instead.

That's what she said

That's what she said

I would be incredibly surprised if there wasn’t one for each of them.

Turns out there are sexy pics of Jenna Fischer. Here, here, and here, and a lookalike here, but no full fledged fake Jenna Fischer porn to be found with a brief search. I will look harder next time.  4chan needs a search option.

Next I opened up the locket you got me, which I love to death.



Yeah, and I found it really adorable, but also funny as hell because your reaction was just so intrinsically female. I knew it would strike that feminine romance and emotion chord with you, but I never in a million years would have considered that it could be an heirloom, and you were all over that right away.

Well duh, that’s what us girls do. I can be extra girly at times. Besides, everyone around me is getting married and having kids, so I’m a little more extra girly than usual. And that’s like prime heirloom material, the first piece of jewelry you got me, for our first Christmas together. I think it’s sweet.

I thought it was sweet too, in fact I was counting on it. People think guys just pick gifts haphazardly, but we really do put thought into your reactions to them. That would have been guaranteed poon had we been celebrating together.

I’m sure our readers are thankful for that mental picture.

I’m sure they are, Merry Christmas everyone!

Next I got a bad ass razor thingy. It’s got like, twelve billion blades, and one on the side for detail trim work, and a hair trimmer on the end, and it pretty much rocks my balls off. I had been shaving with this archaic Mach3 Turbo, (stupid three blades is stupid) that I had run out of blades for three months ago, and so it was pretty much just scraping the hair off, and when I went to shave with the new one, well let’s just say it didn’t feel like I shaved anything, but my face totally felt like a really really, extra soft babies ass, made of chiseled iron of course.

I’m glad you like it. Next from you I got an iHome. It’s so awesome, I brought it to work so I can have Jazz Day at my desk.

Super Bad Ass

Yeah, I thought it was really bad ass, and it’s the kind of gift I would get myself, so I know it totally rocks. Plus I imagine that it’s really really loud, but I didn’t try it out because at that point I did not have an iPod. I guess your work is a little different than mine though. We play System of a Down and David Allen Co. at top volume, you have quiet jazz day so as not to bother your clients or coworkers.

Yeah, I already pissed my boss off once playing opera too loudly while he was on the phone. I didn’t realize at first that when you turn it on it starts quietly and turns up gradually. So I had cranked the volume and then left my desk. Ooops. That’s what happens when I don’t read manuals. Speaking of work, I got a lot of rad stuff from clients too. Especially chocolate, I’m going to do a post just on chocolate. I would say most of my holidays were spent knitting and eating chocolate.

My desk! I'm busy and important!

My desk! I'm busy and important!


That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

Fuck him, next Christmas we can get him a sense of humor. We purposely do loud and sexual things when my boss answers the phone.

My boss has a plenty good sense of humour. His bosses, not so much

Yeah same here, they got mad at us for bringing a playstation to work. We didn’t get rid of it or anything, but they weren’t happy.

And last of all, I opened the gift that Jesus sent to me. An iPod shuffle. Did you know those things are smaller than a matchbox? For reals for reals! My last MP3 player was cool and all, but it was kind of huge, imagine something between a tricorder and an eighties cell phone. This one is sleek and sexy, and it even makes my dick look big. I’m totally going to be iPod shuffling all over the place. Congratulations Apple, you finally impressed me with one of your devices.

w00t! iPod!

w00t! iPod!

Haha, I was totally worried you’d find baby blue unmanly.

No way man, techno gadgets are totally manly, and Blue is a guy color. Besides it’s so small I can just hide it in my chub rub or something, and nobody will ever see it.

Um….chub rub?

You know, when your dunlop rubs against the front of your pants and causes chaffing, cause you’re too fat and your pants are too tight?

Dunlop? oh god, these terms! we don’t have these fat terms up here!

You know, when your belly dun lopped over your pecker.

Haha, okay, so then what’s the chub rub part? And you don’t have a dunlop by the way.

It’s when the chubby part of your belly, the chub, rubs against the top of your jeans creating chub rub.

I see. Well you might have slight chub, but I would not say a full out dunlop.

Anyway, the point is that the iPod is really really small and can be hidden anywhere. (One more pointless joke choked to death by a literal interpretation.)

Sorry, I do that a lot. Eventually I will get all these jokes when my brain stops doing that thing it does with words. 😛 I like that we both got each other something iPod related.

I know right, I heard that four out of the top ten gifts this year were made by Apple. That brings me up to a grand total of one Apple device, all the rest can kiss my shiny metal ass. Especially Macs. Macs are only good with cheese.

I’m so getting a Mac next computer. Vista can bite me. 

Fuck that shit, Vista is for people who aren’t assholes. Mac’s are lame as hell and if you have troubles on it, you have to figure them out on your own because trying to use them makes me want to skewer people alive, with a Mac.

On that note, Merry Christmas baby!  ❤

Merry Christmas darlin. ❤

Christmas Kiss

Christmas Kiss


  1. QueenBitch said,

    January 13, 2009 at 3:04 am

    OH I LOVE YOU GUYS!! your commentry and the disscussion you have when josh tries to make a joke. Aww.. you guys!!

    I cant wait to see what happens when you have christmas together. Actually scratch that it’d be like an hour long video of you guys sexing it up.

  2. Ginny said,

    January 13, 2009 at 5:27 am

    I feel like such a voyeur. Awesome post, kids. (BTW? David Allen Coe? The Rodeo Song is such a huge part of my childhood, one of the first songs I knew all the words to. Thanks for the reminder.)

  3. lesfriendly said,

    January 13, 2009 at 11:18 am

    i hope the lesbians licking the cereal off each other ain’t me 😛

  4. Otto Mann said,

    January 14, 2009 at 1:23 am

    seems like a good time to me.

  5. Josh said,

    January 14, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Queenie: I know right, we go through this whole thing at least once a day, where I make some kind of dry joke, and then have to explain it in laborious detail, and then after ten minutes it’s not funny anymore, for anyone. And don’t worry, we would never post a video of us sexing it up. (she wouldn’t let me even mention butt sex in this post)

    Ginny: Coe dammit Coe, I never ever remember the damn E. I always write David Allen Co. It’s not my fault though, I used to work at the David Allen Company, so it’s just stuck in my head like that.

    Lesfriendly: I hope the lesbians licking cereal off each other are you! Shawing! Actually I just meant the chicks from that show Charmed, because no matter the plot of the show, in my head they will always be lesbians. We love lesbians here on 800Miles.

    Otto Man: You could even say it was merry.

  6. javajunkee said,

    January 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    LOL you two crack me up. It’s so cute. Now ..if I were to do this with my Isband of 23 years there would be a lot of CAP LOCK SHOUTING back and forth and swearing!

    glad you had what sounded like a good christmas and that little christmas smooch is just too cute. I remember being young and in love and all giddy like that. WTH happened? Oh yeah we sobbered up! KEEP DRINKING!

  7. May said,

    January 15, 2009 at 2:41 am

    First of all, if you know you’re going to be bravely spending the day with my family, drinking a bottle of champagne before you head over is really the only way to do it. We really enjoyed having you there with us, and of course Christmas Eve with you all was heaps of fun! The kids loved their videos from Santa, who wouldn’t?!

    Ok so, a) I *love* Dusty Springfield and it was the first thing I loaded onto my CrackBerry this year! Also, 2) the alligator head kills me.

    I adore the locket, it looks so cute on Em!

  8. trishatruly said,

    January 15, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I feel like I’ve just listened in on a private conversation. I think you two are so adorable!

    I completely lost it at chub rubs and dunlops!!

  9. Romi said,

    January 15, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Awww…what a cute post, I just experienced Christmas in January now, and I loved it! 🙂

    You guys got totally rad gifts for each other, I think the alligator head (lol) from Josh was the most amazing one that you got Em, and Em, I think the Captain Awesome t-shirt was Josh’s bestest gift 😉

    But now that “Christmas in January” is over, it’s just back to “effing COLDEST days of January ever”….sigh…. 😦

    PS: omg…”dunlops”….hahaha…I learned something new today

    PPS: I take slight issue with the phrase that “real life tends to interfere with bloggin'”…I mean yes, real life CAN interfere with bloggin’, but it is also true that a “real life” can be had, even though regular blogging occurs, ahem, *cough, cough, cough*…so as long as we are clear on that…

    (oh who am I kidding, I live the saddest life ever, something you two secretly know, HAHAHA…. 😉 )

  10. Emerald said,

    January 15, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    @ Queenie: Good call on the video, ha! But I would love to do videos with Josh of the non XXX rated type (in addition to the XXX rated type, naturally) when I get down there in order to share all kinds of fun times! Cooking, building, blowing stuff up. It’ll be rad.

    @ Ginny: It’s okay to be a voyeur, sometimes we’re exhibitionist like 😛

    @ Lesfriendly: I guess that depends on how much you like cereal! I don’t think Josh and I will try eating cereal off each other. Maybe mashed potatoes?

    @ Ottoman: It was rad times indeed! I can’t wait to do holidays in person.

    @ JavaJunkee: Ha, there’s already lots of swearing in our conversations usually, although we tend to avoid caps lock. We do a pretty good job of going back and forth between mushy romance and “Dude, you’re weird.” “Yeah, well your face is weird.” “Your mom is weird!” “Your mom goes to college!” We don’t often make sense to anyone but ourselves, but we enjoy each other 😉

  11. Lucky said,

    January 15, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    I lovw you two!! Sounds like y’all had a great Christmas!!

  12. Lucky said,

    January 15, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    Man, I was hoping to catch that. Meant LOVE you two! 😉

  13. Josh said,

    January 15, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Java Junkie: Interesting (not really) fact: that picture was actually a June kiss photoshopped to be a Christmas kiss. It’s hard to tell cause the snow inside the car looks soooo real.

    May: Dusty Springfield is totally the shit man. I sometimes catch hell for listening to her, cause she’s not exactly manly music, but I still love her. Plus she was hot!

    TrishaTruly: Whenever we do these dual post things, we always just wing it in an IM, because I thought it gave them a more genuine down home feel. Either that or a sloppily thrown together at the last minute feel, but who cares really, I don’t get paid for this.

    Romes: We know you can have a life and blog at the same time. The difference is that you actually do a good job and put effort into yours, hence the readers and hits. With us it’s more like, weeeeeell, I COULD blog, or I could just Stumble for a while and then maybe log onto Combat Arms and kills some people and then jerk off. Hmmmm.

    Lucky: Of course we louvre you too.

  14. Emerald said,

    January 16, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    @ May: Thanks for having me over on Christmas, it was super rad times! Yeah, I’m in love with the locket. The alligator head…well, I will keep him fondly…on the shelf…in the other room. 😛

    @ Trisha: I actually really love how Josh and I just post bits of our conversations on the rare occasion we have time to post together. A lot of people ask (or used to, I think most people get it now) how you can develop a relationship online and I think this a pretty good demonstration 😛

    @ Romi: Haha, in my case ‘real life’ refers to ‘I’d rather watch the Simpsons than post most days of the week.’ You’re just more dedicated to your writing 😉

    @ Lucky: Haha, I lourve Christmas! It was a great time, I’m sure next year will result in even more awesomeness. 😀

  15. David said,

    January 18, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    Just when you think there’s nuttin new to be found in the blogosphere … thanks you darlin lovebirds for a really entertaining post. If I had to listen to this shit in real life I’d probably puke, but the way you 2 laid it out with all those cute pix was very nice! Thanks for making the effort. Like Romi, I learned some new words that I’m happy to repeat at work as soon as I get back. Dunlop! 😀

    And guys, I’m a total scrooge, so the way you’ve done xxxmas really works!

    BTW, Vista IS MacOS, done up by the Microsoft gang. Honest! I love the MacOS and have been using Vista for a couple of years too. It’s all good. The OS platform gets to be less and less relevant as the internet (a.k.a.”The Fucking Cloud”) evolves.

    Trust me, I’m the eggplant parmesan of incomplete metaphors!!

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