The Douchebag Story

Ok folks, here it is.

The other week, I had a seriously, seriously good day. A magical twist of karma and come-uppance. It was fucking fantastic. Why? Because I am terribly vengeful.

It’s a fault, I know. Excuse me for having issues I don’t work on.

This is really part two of an earlier story, but here it is: Before Talea, my best friend was Ami. I didn’t know her for very long and she kind of sucked, and she drank too much. Through an odd series of events involving mutual poverty and her two-year seniority advantage in the shitty telemarketing industry, Ami ended up as my manager at an appropriately shitty energy company.

I was a phone monkey. Ami was our manager, or coordinator, or whatever the hell. Turns out she spent most of her days looking at kittens and reapplying her lipstick. Talea was the office manager/receptionist, who later became my best friend and had me bumped up to reception when she became overworked. Scott was the recruiting manager. And by recruiting manager I mean sole, overpaid recruiter. By the very nature of the job at hand, you kind of have to be a soulless fucker to be a recruiter.

But I liked Scott (this was about two years ago, well before Josh, please recall.) And he was friends with Ami. We all hung out together, and eventually Scott and I had, well, a fling I guess. Then Ami’s boyfriend of two years dumped her, and she didn’t take it very well. Not the kind to ever handle being single, you know? Within a few weeks, her crazy (literally, and this is coming from another crazy) ex boyfriend moved to Toronto from Montreal to move back in with her. That lasted about a week, during which Scott and I spent most nights together mulling over what the hell our friend was doing.

Yeah, seriously. It’s a hell of a story.

We’re all hanging out one evening after Ami’s second breakup in as many months. I’m tipsy, Scott is drunk, Ami is near passed out in the next room. Scott turns to me and says “Yeah, so I’m probably going to end up with Ami now, but we can be friends, right? You’re a really cool chick.”


Crazy ends up living with me for six months, because I do completely stupid spontaneous things like that. Kind of like how I spontaneously decided to drop out of university in favour of private makeup school that put me ten grand in debt because I couldn’t figure out the UofT course schedules one afternoon. Needless to say, I needed what little rent money Crazy contributed. It kind of sucked.

Oh, but my predicament was a sunny, sunny day compared to Scott and Ami. Oh yes, they moved in together. Within a few weeks of holding hands, they were signing a lease on a nifty little townhouse in the far north regions of not-quite-Toronto. Within a few months, our company went under. Scott quit in a huff, and Ami in all her ineptitude, had a no-hire written on her interdepartment resume. Everyone else was given a new job within the parent company. Talea and I, best pals by now, quickly regained employment together elsewhere.

Scott and Ami? Fucked.

I take this as a pretty decent ending in and of itself. I move on, get a fantastic job, meet my wonderfully incredible totally ridiculously amazing boyfriend, and get many aspects of my life so very on track. I run into Ami with not-Scott and hurry away snickering at her obvious unemploy.

It’s mean, I know. But I would do anything and everything for my friends, I really am an overall very nice person. Once on my bad side, however, I will laugh at your misfortune. I donate to charity, leave me alone.

So imagine my surprise then, when I get a message from Ami asking what I’m up to, and that Scott wants to get a hold of me. I ignore it. Imagine my further surprise when Scott calls me.

“I’m so sorry” was mentioned a few times. There was the standard “I just wanted to tell you” followed by “I made a huge mistake,” then a series of expletives essentially translating into “Ami was a psycho hose beast” and other similar niceties.

But since I am trying to be a nicer person and get over things like, oh, revenge and all that jazz, I think ‘Shouldn’t I be able to forgive and forget? If I’ve really moved on, shouldn’t I be able to hang out with someone whose company I once enjoyed?’ Okay, sure, why not? Josh is fine with it, he knows he has nothing to worry about, so I call up Scott and say “okay, sure, lets hang out – you can tell me all the details.” Of course I mention right away that I am in a serious relationship so as not to give any wrong impressions – the proper thing to do. We make plans to touch base later that week.

Two days later, he asks me to come over to hang out. Odd. Not so much, says I. Let’s go out somewhere, grab a beer, coffee, wherever. I really don’t feel like trekking all the way up to your new not-quite-downtown location. Nah, he says, just come over. I got a buddy coming by, I’ll make margueritas.

Are you serious? Did you not hear me mention the boyfriend? My slight sense of propriety? The fact that I haven’t seen you in over a year and have no idea what kind of loonie you might possibly be? A buddy coming by? I don’t think so, no. I’m not going to be ‘hanging out’ at your place. You want to catch up, but you won’t leave your apartment?

“Okay, well call me if you change your mind.”

“Whuu – *snicker* Uh, okay.” Click.

What the hell just happened? Change my mind? What mind? You called me!!!

Dear Scott: Thank you for calling me to validate my feelings of superiority over your drunkard ex. It had been kind of a shitty day, and the ego boost was much appreciated. I’m going to go back to having a conversation with my non-delusional boyfriend now, thanks for playing. I’m sorry you feel you made the wrong decision in choosing Ami over me.

Actually, you know what? I’m not sorry. Not one little bit.



  1. teeni said,

    November 14, 2008 at 4:16 am

    That is just totally skanky how those two got together. You don’t just announce to someone that you were seeing that you are now going to be with her friend who happens to be in the next room. It tells me that there must have been some stuff going on behind the scenes. You are so better off without these people in your life. Forgive, fine, sure. But be a doormat? No, uh-uh. Not a chance.

  2. talea said,

    November 14, 2008 at 4:39 am

    This has nothing to do with your post, though it’s good and Scott was a drunken wanker and Ami was a drunken whore.
    What this comment is going to focus on is the little doo-dad you’ve installed in the top left. About saving to move?
    Hmmmmmmmmmph. Harumph, grumble and cry.
    I say no! No!

  3. kaylee2 said,

    November 14, 2008 at 5:01 am

    I love that story!

  4. jQ said,

    November 14, 2008 at 7:07 am

    I’m one of those freaks who loves to quote old sayings, “Everything happens for a reason” – and at the time, it was probably so painful, but just look where you are today, you are happy! Either way, it does suck to have your heart stomped on, but I’ve been there too- and it always worked out for the better! I’m glad you found Josh and you’re happy!

  5. Pure Evyl said,

    November 14, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    Once again karma reigns supreme.

  6. November 14, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Yeah, what JQ and PE said. 😉 You and Josh rock. 😀 Just say no to douchebags, no matter how cool they may have been at one time.

  7. joanharvest said,

    November 14, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    Being the motherly type to you young ones, I am really glad you didn’t go over there. That sounded way to creepy. I mean he is obviously creepy anyway but inviting you over like that with his “buddy”–I don’t think so.

    I wish he would just e-mail you what he wanted to tell you so we could all get a good laugh at his expense. Maybe he became a door to door salesman and was going to try to sell you a vacuum cleaner or pans or knives and he was just to lazy to go to your door. Oh, there are so many possibilities. My curiosity is piqued.

    Yes, this was definitely a good douchebag story. Let us know if you here from him again.

  8. Billy said,

    November 15, 2008 at 3:39 am

    Karma! I love it. How cool is Josh for not having a bird over you hanging out with Scott. Good guy you have.

  9. Ginny said,

    November 15, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    Bwa ha ha! I feel like I should make people I meet sign something that says, “I understand that if I act like a fuckface, I shall be written about on a blog.” Oh Scott, you ignorant slut.

  10. dobeman said,

    November 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Any blog post with the word “douchebag,” gets my attention. Oh, and “pussywillows” too.

    You should have called the cops and said someone was smoking weed over at their house. But then, Karma…maybe not.

  11. Josh said,

    November 19, 2008 at 3:03 am

    Yeah that was weird. I don’t mind you hanging out with guys, not even most of your exes (except the one, and you know who that is) but it still seemed really bizarre to me. I mean, not your part, just him calling and wanting to hang out for no reason. I left most of my previous relationships on good terms, a few really painful and betraying ones, but mostly all amicable splits. But even the coolest of my exes would never get a call from me wanting to catch up on old times. I don’t want to see any of them again, unless it’s an accident. That’s why I normally get involved with women who have a different friend circle. I don’t even want to see them all the time when we are together, they can bug off now.

    I had one really weird clingy ex girlfriend. She kept finding me on every new internet site I got on, because she has ZERO life and surfs the web all day. So years later I’m still getting friend requests every now and then, or the odd message. I went and caught up with her over lunch once and it was the most awkward horrible experience ever. Her life had completely fallen apart, she had lost her job and car, and gained a bunch of weight, and somehow gotten uglier even though she had started out ugly. (yeah so what I dated an ugly chick) She had randomly decided to stop trying to get an education and instead follow God’s new calling for her to be a missionary and change lives with songs of worship on her shitty guitar which she had demonstrated a severely disturbing lack of skill using while we had dated. And to make matters worse, everything was completely her fault not only in the breakup, but also in the ensuing crap fest her life had become. She made a long winded attempt to play the sympath card and made it clear in crazy bitch talk that she wanted me back. I felt bad for her, so I tried to buy her some lunch but … she was suddenly a vegetarian. (go fig right) So I bought her some eggrolls, did my best to make it through lunch without stabbing either one of us in the face, and quickly dropped her off on my way back to work. (she had walked to the restaurant due to the no car thing)

    I’m still nice to my ex girlfriends if they message me on MySpace or Facebook or wherever, but you better believe that was the first and last time I will do any kind of face to face catching up with an ex. EVAH!

  12. romi41 said,

    November 20, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    Wow….this guy was full of so much douchebaggy goodness from this awkward and lame and weird initiation and insistence of contact (and I remember the first story with how it all went down with the Ami chick, so he was already in my “douchebag” books, haha)….too bad he effed things up, but look how right everything turned out…I love the universe! 😉

  13. Emerald said,

    November 21, 2008 at 12:59 am

    @ Teeni: Oh he gave me some douchebag line about how he had been in love with her for years and din’t want to waste the opportunity to jump in now that she was single. For you know, five minutes.

    @ Talea: Yeah, yeah, get over it 😛 I’m not going forever and you have all my books 😀

    @ Kaylee: It was pretty good on this end too 😉

    @ JQ: I am happy! 😀 But a little bit of schadenfreude always does me good 😉

  14. Emerald said,

    November 21, 2008 at 1:09 am

    @ Teeni: Oh he gave me some douchebag line about how he had been in love with her for years and din’t want to waste the opportunity to jump in now that she was single. For you know, five minutes.

    @ Talea: Yeah, yeah, get over it 😛 I’m not going forever and you have all my books 😀

    @ Kaylee: It was pretty good on this end too 😉

    @ JQ: I am happy! 😀 But a little bit of schadenfreude always does me good 😉

    @ PureEvyl: Yes it does, mahahahaha!

    @ PeterParkour: Just say no to douchebags should totally be a t-shirt. 😀

    @ Joan: Yeah, me too. I write a scathing line or two when I’m pissed, it would have been one to share for sure!

    @ Billy: Yep, he’s pretty rad. I think I’ll keep him 😉

    @ Ginny: Ha! Ignorant slut, oh fuck I loved that! I literally laughed out loud.

    @ Dobeman: Dude, I totally would have gotten busted – I’d have to go give them my written statement and of course I would have some in my purse or something. I wouldn’t put it past myself to do something totally dumbass like that.

    @ Le Boyfriend: Yeah, it was fucking weird. Uh, you want to hang out with me, but you don’t want to leave your house? Sure, okay, that’ll work. Why did you harrass your ex for months for my number? Weirdo. And yeah, I remember you telling me about that chick. That’s always unpleasant, I hope we don’t run into any of your exes. “Um, hi. Yeah, I’m the, uh…well I’m the awesome one, so uh…yeah, I guess that kind of sucked for you. Um…okay, well, carry on.”

    @ Romi: These are the days I love the universe too. You have no idea how much evil cackling I did on my own before I even called Talea. Seriously, seriously awesome. I hope everyone at least once in their life gets a call from someone who says “I was wrong, you were right, and you’re totally living a better life than me.” Who wouldn’t love that???

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