Weird Advertising Tags

Do you ever hear an ad once in a while that makes you stop and go “wait, what?” I do. All the time. I am fascinated with advertising in that it’s really no more than a brilliant, manipulative – almost brainwashing, really – tactic to push our dollars around the world. There are days when I think I should have gone into advertising, but then there are days when I’m pretty sure I could be an expert sculptor.

I love good advertisements and will go out of my way to reward good advertising. Shit, I’ve got buy some type of kitchen cleaner. And you can’t test them out like you can with makeup (like the back of my hand looks anything like my face, thanks). Might as well try the one that made you think “Ha! That is awesome!”

But in my constant quest for good ads, I seem to hear a lot of those usually underbudgeted weird ads with the weird slogan, or tag, or whatever you call that last little punchline. Like that jeweller by the Buffalo airport, where a diamond won’t cost you “an arm and a leg” (mannequin limbs jostled merrily towards the camera) Really? Limbs? That’s your…that’s your selling point, eh? Okay, just checking. You sure? You’re sticking with it? Alright then.

“Garaga – a choice you’ll never regret.” Garaga does garage doors, did you guess? It’s not really weird so much as…well it’s sort of like starting your resume with “I ain’t never been to jail.” (And yes, I’ve seen that resume, on Craigslist.) Yeah, sure, they’ll probably want to know your history at some point, but is that really what you want to focus on here? You won’t regret us, honest! Now just…just give us your wallet.

There’s a dentist’s office that advertises on the subway. Apparently they specialize in kids, and I can see how you would want to emphasize that. A mother wants to know, when choosing a doctor for little Johnny’s diseased molars, if the waiting room will have fun fuzzy toys or an ominous, massive fish tank that her kids will get yelled at for tapping. But their slogan was “We like kids and they love us.” Totally great and innocent until my brain comes along and starts wondering “Why the difference, the specific choice of love vs. like? Do you not enjoy the children as much as they appreciate you? Are you being swamped with little tots that you really think are just kind of – meh – okay?” And you’ve got to be careful when talking about your affection for children, what with pedophiles lurking around every corner. Or at least pedophile jokes. No, not the dentist for me.

This last one wasn’t so much of a punchline as a general idea. It was for one of those men’s de-grayifier “we swear you’re not just dying your hair” dealios. This slightly older gentleman is sitting in a well-appointed living room for a charming afternoon of reading or whatever. And these two somewhat adorable girls appear with great purpose and say “Dad, it’s time! You’ll make a really good catch for someone!” And they wave a box of de-grayifier at him.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Are you serious? Wow, what a market. Widowers CLEARLY in need of a babysitter – how the hell did those girls get a hold of that shit without his knowledge? Did they leave the house unattended at get it from the store? Did they swipe it from the shelves while he was buying their Barbie Bubblegum toothpaste? Klepto bastards! And hi, um, maybe it’s a little weird that your eight year old is suddenly super interested in your extra-curricular activities.

And finally, a commercial that while lacking in bizarre tags, certainly lends itself an air of “you can’t be serious.”

Terrific. Terrrrrrific.

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One Year of Kick-Yer-Ass Awesome

Josh and I met one year ago today. He’s not home right now, and I just got back in from dinner with my mother and now feel like ass. So as far as anniversaries go, it’s probably not the most idealistic. But I still feel like the biggest winner ever. I’m so in love it’s retarded.

We met, quite randomly, via wordpress…and fine, blogspot too I guess, which is where he was before switching to wordpress. In fact, my first comment to him started off with how crap blogspot is. I found him from a comment he left on my post written about the equally crap Toronto Independent Music Awards (crap because there were more thank-you’s to the corporate supporters than actual music or info, and as usual, my usual posse of strange morons abounded in all their poorly-dressed glory).

He wrote:

Despite my general distaste for the Indie scene in general, I loved your account of the evening. I wish I could get this post drunk and seduce it into a one night stand that ends akwardly but still leaves both parties gratified. In fact this could just about be any awards show at any shitty club. It would have been the exact same lame ass people/bull shit. And take pride in how many people you pissed off. They were probably the bald deuche bags that blocked traffic with their charitable buggery. And forget about the grammar. Grammar is for class work and science articles. This is teh facking interweb noobs. Mother fuckers don’t have to grammarize shit if they don’t feel like it! Ask any LOLcat.

(ed note: I had gotten a lot of grammar-related shit from Indie lovers, and may or may not have pissed off a charitable organization en route to the show.)

Your blog has a perfect title, cause after reading it for the first time, it sort of feels like christmas time. Rock on Green Metropolis. I like chicks with balls. (not actual balls mind you, the metaphorical sort of balls that don’t clutter up the paradice city that is the ball-less vagina)

Lolcats and vaginas. How could I resist? I took a trip on over to his page and found a cool, hilarious, foul-mouthed character who instantly pulled me in with his ranting and raving over Google difficulties. Clearly, we were two awesome people waylayed by the jackassery surrounding us.

I wrote:

yeah, i’m with ben about the wordpress.com leaflet. But can I tell you that you’re awesome? I have totally blogrolled you (not that I remember how I repaired it), and if you happen to be at my site, you might find a kindred spirit with my post “Fuck you, you fucktarded fucking fuckbags.” Just a thought.

Kindred spirits indeed. More like meant to be.

And if you’re wondering who ‘ben’ is, he was some random person who commented just before me with *sneaks in*leaves a wordpress leaflet*sneaks out. I have no idea who he is, but I agreed and decided to say so. I’d thank him for his small role in this tale, but his blog is long abandoned with no contact. Oh well, we all play a bit-part in someone’s story.

It continued on from there, with more comments and almost immediate flirting. I was smitten. So was he. We each talked to our mutual e-friends about each other (*cough*Romi*cough*Talea-even-though-she’s-my-real-friend-too*cough*) while still avoiding the terrifying reality that is turning to someone you have a total crush on and telling them how you feel.

We began talking via msn, and facebook, sending each other long letters every day, sometimes two, or letters so long that facebook insisted on multiple…

…..

Sorry, multiple installments. Got a little distracted there. Ahem.

Right, lots of letters. Paragraph upon paragraph exploring our lives and our very different worlds. Our experiences with life, love and everything in between. In regards to our lives, they were and continue to be very different. We always have something to talk about, even though we’ve reached the point where we’re comfortable just sitting quietly together. In regards to love, we had both been jilted a few times. He had mentioned a few girls, and I disapproved of them – partially because I’m naturally a very judgemental person and mostly because I was already jealous and wanted him for my own. And I was rotating between a few non-committal characters that he could already recognize as completely wrong for me.

I’ve been reading back through our letters, and while I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it became clear that we were head over heels, there was a day where I announced my belief that a horrible joke was being played on us – we would so obviously be together if not for the 800 miles between us. From that point, we gradually changed from friends to more-than-friends with no effort at all. It’s like we had been together all along, and it only made sense. The 800 miles no longer seemed like a factor in a decision. It wasn’t a matter of choosing whether or not to pursue something that was sure to be difficult. It was now a simple fact that we were together, and there was this giant space between us that had to be conquered. We had started dating without having yet met.

On March 11th of this year, after he wrote a long, heartfelt, romantic letter on facebook, promptly had it accidentally erased, and then simply blurted out over msn “I’m in love with you,” Josh and I became an official ‘couple’. It’s awesome. He is awesome. We are awesome. Having Josh has changed me in so many ways for the better, and for once I feel like I’m doing something right. I win. I win, I win, I win I win I win. Whatever lottery or system of karma that determines who we find in life to carry us through, be it luck, destiny, fate, randomness, whatever you feel like calling it, I hit the total jackpot.

And here’s the best part: we’re not just in love (as well as total and complete lust), we’re in like. I *like* Josh. I can fart on him. He can fart on me. I can cry in front of him. I can rant and rave and be a total weirdo. He can insist on ridiculous manly things, be in funny moods, and send me e-cards to inform me that the bird is in fact, the word. He can comment freely on how hot such-and-such an actress is, and I still have my other boyfriends (Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue and George Stroumboulopoulos of CBC’s The Hour – as long as they don’t find out, since people do resort to restraining orders and whatever) because at the end of the day I feel totally secure that Josh is my man and will be there when I need him. Emotional security is not an easy accomplishment for a crazy girl like me, but Josh ninja-kicked his way through and ran off with my heart, leaving me with nothing to say except “Awesome. Count me in.”

*Round of Applause*

So today is not our official one year anniversary, but it’s still a pretty awesome day. Because we’re not just a couple, we’re friends too. And that is totally worth celebrating.

4×4 Meme, a two part, four part cooperative.

This meme was taken from Queenies blog, go check her out if you have a minute. In the first section I, Josh, ask Emerald four sets of questions with four answers each, and in the second section she does the same with me.

Josh: Alrighty Emerald, tell me four things you have done today.

Emerald:
1) Had e-sex with my totally hot man.
2) Did three dishes and watered the plants.
3) Washed off last nights makeup.
4) Heated up some leftover Kraft dinner.
SO classy! We don’t have to put the e-sex thing in there if its a little to personal for you, but I personally don’t mind.

Josh: I’m OK with that. So why exactly do you call it Kraft dinner as opposed to Kraft macaroni and cheese? I mean it’s not really a dinner food per se, it more like an anytime food.

Emerald: It says Kraft dinner on the box.

Josh: Uh huh, so it’s just how they label it in Canadia?

Emerald: Yep.

Josh says: Weird, but whatever. Alright, here’s one you will like, being the organizer-holic that you are, tell me four things on your to do list

Emerald says:
1) laundry
2) groceries
3) haircut
4) buy bunny food, a winter coat and those sexy green boots in the window of that store I like up the street

Josh: So is the bunny food at all related to the winter coat?

Emerald: No, but it’s across the street, so it’s pretty much one trip. I cheat like that in life, you see  😉

Josh: Oh, I thought you might be fattening up the bunnies to make a coat or something. How can you live in the arctic circle and not have a winter coat already? How did you survive last winter? … …. You have your disapproving face on.

Emerald: Last year’s [coat] got peed on by asshole cats towards the end of winter when it was starting to get warm enough to wear my trench coat again, which is also getting tired looking. Yes, I disapprove of my asshole cats, who I got rid of, because they were assholes.

Josh: I guess that’s better than being pissed on by homeless bums or something. And speaking of getting pissed on, what are your four guiltiest pleasures?

Emerald: Haha! Your mom!

Josh: Very nice.

Emerald: Ha, I rule. I’m the best girlfriend ever!

Josh: Not if my mom pisses on you.

Emerald: Yeah, no thanks. Ummm, guilty pleasures …

Josh: Is it really that hard for you to come up with guilty pleasures? Boring much?

Emerald: Well I’m not guilty about very many of my pleasures. I came up with a whole bunch of stuff, and then I was thinking “But I’m proud of my fond love of cherry flavored adult products”
1) tween pop
2) emo music
3) splurging on candy
4) creamsicles

Josh: OK, we’re gonna have to delve into this one a little bit more. Tween POP!!!!? Please elaborate.

Emerald: Um, there may be some um….*cough*spears*cough* on my, um playlist with some um….yeah. And maybe some pussycat dolls. (blushing emoticon)

Josh: Ha, like yesterday when you referred to the haircut from Womanizer and I had to go look it up cause I had never heard the song or seen the video?

Emerald: Shut up, that was for Talea!

Josh: Sure it was, by the way there were four or five different doo’s up in that video, were you referring to the one that looked like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction?

Emerald: No, the longer, dark red version when she was a waitress. though i did like that hot secretary look on her. 😉

Josh: Oh snap, so T-rex is gonna have red hair now?

Emerald: Well she dyes it the same colour purple-brown as me, so sort of funky, but more purple than red. I think she’s mostly in it for the cut, though, we can’t have our hair too crazy coloured. the whole corporate thing, you know.

Josh: Right, but I suppose as long as you cover it up you can still cut yourself. So what’s your favorite Emo music?

Emerald: Bright Eyes, Brand New, Lovedrug, mayyyyyyybe Dashboard Confessional like once a year, My Chemical Romance, and some vaguer stuff like Thirteen Senses and that song from the old navy commercial.

Josh: Yeah, I can dig My Chemical Romance sometimes, when I’m in an art fag kind of mood. Alright darlin, tell me four random facts about you.

Emerald: Hmmm, hard to think of any you don’t already know about me. Why don’t we put a little twist on this one. You tell me four random fact about me that you don’t think I know about, or that you find funny or whatever. And then I’ll do the same for you when its my turn to ask you questions.

Josh: Ok, sounds good, let me ponder for a second.

Emerald: Haha, notice that with that arrangement i get more time to think. 😉

Josh: You like to pretend you don’t know I’m watching you on the webcam when you walk around your apartment and you put an extra little wiggle in your ass with every step.

Emerald: Haha, yeah maybe.  (blushing emoticon)

Josh: Maybe nothing, definitely. Let’s see, your pissy face turns me on, and you probably don’t realize it. (for clarification in editing I would like to change pissy face to pissed off face. No actual piss is involved)

Emerald: I had no idea. I love that

Josh: You contradict yourself because you want to come live in Dixie land in a trailer with me and be white trash, but you don’t feel comfortable wearing spandex pants in public.

Emerald: I still have class, thank you.

Josh: Don’t worry I’ll fix that. And one more, hmmmmmmm … Most women with an ass like yours would love thongs, but you somehow look even sexier in boy shorts.

Emerald: That is true, I don’t like thongs.

Josh: Alrighty well I guess it’s your turn to question me.

Emerald: Okay, I’m going to work backwards while the random things question is still fresh in my mind.

Josh: Uh, that screws up the whole order

Simultaneously: But OK, I guess. Ok Fine.

Simultaneously: No, I’ll do it proper. You can go backwards.

Emerald: Backwards brainsex. 😛 Okay, I’ll go backwards. Four random facts about you:
1) You still blush sometimes when you look at me.
2) You have fairly high arche.

Josh: I’m like Mcdonald’s

Emerald: I wouldn’t say so. I dated this one random dude once for about three weeks, but it never went anywhere, cause I wasn’t at all attracted to him. Anyways, he had really high arches to the point where it was actually considered a birth defect. It actually kind of grossed me out, but your feet I don’t mind. They’re just standard man feet.

Josh: So that’s not really a random fact, I’m just normal.

Emerald: Well it’s a fact that you have high arches, but not to the point where they would gross me out.
3) you really tend not to use emoticons at all in your IM conversations, or at least nowhere near to the extent I do.

Josh: Emoticons are only good for a few certain emotions, all the rest are gay.

(Long series of retarded emoticons)

Emerald: 4) when you’re drunk, you get really sloppy cute and romantic.

Josh: AW, I so totally do, I just feel things stronger when I’m drinking, and I’m less inhibited, and so I guess I express all the stuff I may hold back on when I’m sober.

Emerald: Yeah, well at least you don’t get in a pissy mood ever, cause then we’d have a problem. But I don’t mind you coming home and kissing my belly while prattling on about marriage and kids and the armoire you want to build me one day. I still don’t understand the armoire thing, but I think you building stuff would be awesome.

Josh: I get pissy sometimes too now, Don’t think I’m not super manly and won’t fight and cuss and talk mad shit at the bar now. I’m a bulletproof superman just like every other manly man when I drink, just not to you. And you need an armoire, for your shit, so that you can store it in something and have it … you know what, never mind, I’ll just build it and then you can decide if you want one or not. I’ll use it if you don’t want it, but I know how you women are with closet space

Emerald: Well okay, as long as you’re not pissy with me. And you can build me whatever you want, it’s an adorable man gesture. Anyways, four guilty pleasures.

Josh: OK, see now I have the same problem as you in that I have tons of pleasures that other people might feel guilty about, but I have no shame about. Like being dominated in bed. A lot of guys won’t let their women dominate them, cause it’s emasculating or some such nonsense, but I dig it, so let me think for a minute.

Emerald: W00t! I’d say expired yogurt, but that’s not really a guilty pleasure, just you not giving in to the idea that a government regulated body can tell you if food is good or not. Speaking of which, I’m all over some lemon pudding, brb, you keep thinking.

Josh:  1) – I’m OK with the idea of prostate stimulation, and that doesn’t make me gay, but I do feel somewhat guilty about it and therefore don’t share often.

Emerald: Haha, nice.

Josh: 2) – I hate homeless people, and I don’t really like babies, and I couldn’t give a fuck less about starving Africans. In fact, I don’t care about very many people other than myself. I mean I would stop and help like, an old lady with a flat tire, but if it’s not a female in trouble, and it’s not convenient, fuck the world.

3) – Chick peas are good, but could possibly be the faggiest food ever.

Emerald: Well as long as you’re cool with our kids. And dude, I fucking LOVE CHICK PEAS. I’ll eat them straight up, in salads, as falafels, as hummus, any which way at all.

Josh: 4) – Water World, possibly the best movie ever. I know it was retarded, but it was AWESOME!

Emerald: Niiiiiiiiiiiiice! It actually was kind of cool.

Josh: Kind of AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emerald: Okay, four things on your to-do list.

Josh: 1 – Emeralds various holes.
2 – Learn photoshop

Emerald: I so set myself up for that, didn’t i?  😛

Josh: 3 – get my legal problems solved
(yes you did, and I don’t take it back)
4 – more tattoos

Emerald: I think its very poignant that your to-do list is long term, and mine applies only to today (though the coat and boots will probably be next weekend)

Josh: Oh yeah, and try to get us together in the world so we aren’t doing these memes from 800 miles away, and we can change the name of the blog from 800 Miles to Right here right now.

Emerald: Yes, that should be number one, since you can’t do your current number one without taking care of that first.

Josh: Well don’t get used to it, poignancy is not my forte.

Emerald: No, but thinking long term is.

Josh: I was thinking long with number one too! Zing!

Emerald: That’s what she said. Okay, four things you did today.

Josh: 1 – I slept in, Sleeping a lot on Sunday is very important if you want to be happy and live a long life. People who do lots of shit on Sunday usually have cold vaginas full of sand and go through their weeks hoping for a comet to fall from the heavens and smite them from the face of the planet.

Emerald: I’m extremely productive on Sundays usually, but I’ll try not to wake you, and I’m sure you can attest to the fact that my vagina is not cold and/or sandy.

Josh: Waking me on Sunday often results in death. And no, but mine will be if you wake me up.

Emerald: I wouldn’t dream of it, unless it was with breakfast. And not before 10am, because who the hell wants breakfast in bed at 6am? That’s not breakfast in bed, that’s “honey, I’m about to tell you that I totaled that car, and now I’m going to wonder why you’re extra mad”

Josh: 2 – I ate some good food. Now I slept in too long and by the time I was getting up other people were in the midst of making breakfast, so it wasn’t as good as if I had got to make it myself, but still good home made food is one of the finer things in life.

Emerald: Yes, it is. I’m going on an autum soup craze this week.

Josh: 3 – I had some e-sex with my beautiful woman. That was pretty nice.

Emerald: Yeah, it was pretty sweet.

Josh: 4 – Beer! Even on the Lord’s day, beer is tasty and delicious. In fact it might even taste a little better with a light sprinkling of the blood of Jesus.

Emerald: Whack job. I still love you. and totally wish I had a beer right now.

Josh: I have a fridge literally full of beer, and you will too when you live with me.

Emerald: Dude, we’ve already had this conversation. Mini fridge, under microwave, under toaster oven.

Josh: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We’re gonna have a mini kitchen in our mini bedroom.

Emerald: That’s right. Speaking of kitchen and perfect segues, why don’t you start typing this sucker up while I get some groceries, and then we’ll see how it looks when I get back?

Josh: Ok darlin, you have fun out there in the world. Try and pick up something besides soup and pasta.

A Pot Smoking Vegetarian Hippie Votes Conservative. What Gives?

I voted Conservative.

It didn’t make a damn difference overall, but I did it. It’s the first time I’ve voted anything other than as far left as possible.

So here’s how Canada works. It’s not “one guy vs. the other guy” and certainly not a “winner takes all” sort of situation. The country is divided into ridings, and we each vote to select a Member of Parliament to represent us in the House of Commons. This is good, because you have someone with your local interests in mind who actually has a voice in the big playground. Of course the more friends your MP has, the bigger that voice is. And we don’t have Republicans vs. Democrats. We’ve got a few more options. We have the Conservatives, who are your traditional right wingers. Your Liberals who are the closest equivalent to the Democrats, except this year they’re whining, snivelling bastards. If you don’t agree with  me, fine. But go get your own blog to say so, I’m in no mood for arguing. We also have the NDP, left-wing social activists with hearts of gold but maybe not enough fiscal sense to run the country. They’re getting bigger though, and I do approve. We also had the Green Party this year, whose campaign was almost solely based on the environment. They didn’t even make it in their own riding, but their leader, Elizabeth May, fought to be included in the debates when she was first written off, and they ran a very determined little campaign. I am proud of them.

There is also the Bloc Quebecois whose sole purpose is turning Quebec into it’s own country. I’m French Canadian and I still think they should fuck off. So they don’t count.

Here’s the other difference. The party that wins the most seats in the House of Commons gets to lead the country. But this can lead to a Minority Government, where the leader has the most seats, but all the other parties combined still outnumber them. This means that if they get really pissed, they can decide to team up against their common enemy and put in a vote of non-confidence. That’s basically saying “fuck this shit, we’re calling another election.” It can lead to political turmoil, as we’ve seen just recently – not much can get done when we’re constantly having an election. But personally, I like the concept. I like the idea of whoever is in charge not being fully in charge. I like that they have to avoid pissing off everybody else’s reps or risk losing their job. Keeps people in line, I feel.

As I’ve mentioned, I usually vote as far left as possible. I like my social safety net. I look at my paycheque, and yes, I see that a little bit comes off the top. But in exchange for that, I like knowing that I can go to the hospital without breaking my bank. Yes, if I go with a broken arm, I will wait for hours while others with more severe injuries go ahead of me. That’s how it should be, because when I bring my baby in with a asthma attack or whatever the hell, I don’t want some rich fucker with a twisted ankle jumping the line because all the hospital cares about is money. If I lose my job, I’m not on the streets within two weeks. If I don’t make very much money and fall behind on say, my electric bill, I will get help and will not have to be on welfare to get that help. I don’t believe in hoarding my money – I believe that a properly elected government can take a little bit of my money and in the end give back more than I would be able to afford on my own. The problem is: who do you trust to do that?

This year, it happens to be Conservative.

Do I love everything they’re doing? No. But I don’t love everything anyone does. And the alternative to the Conservative party is the Liberals because as much as I’m all for the left wing, they never get higher than third place. Frankly, I don’t know if they’d have the chops to run the nation on their own, I just like that they get to pipe up once in a while with things like “Hey, go economy and all that jazz, but can we get some more doctors up in this joint while you’re at it?” The Liberals this year have come up with a fantastic plan to get our economy all sparkly fresh and green. A ‘Green Shift’ will essentially tax the fuck out of gas usage, but promises to give it back in other tax breaks.

Um, not so much? How about ‘what have you done for me lately before taking my money and promising to give it back later?’ I don’t have kids, I don’t make a ton of money, and what money I do have is not spent on things like child care. I live in an apartment so I can kiss those low-flo toilet tax rebates goodbye. And in the meantime, I may not drive but I do eat. Canada is a big ass country. Yes, we’ve seen other countries manage to put these measures into effect succesfully, but when your food is driven in from across the country, when your importing and exporting relies so much on transportation, I just don’t see the sense in taxing gas, making everything assloads more expensive and then promising me rebates later.

Yes, we need to get our asses off the oil. Seriously. And yes, we do need things like the arts and all that good stuff that the Conservatives are berated for not supporting. (Please note that they did scrap a plan to remove the tax credits for arts programs when the public cried out. Doesn’t exactly qualify them for a gold seat at the symphony, but it’s a decent gesture.) I just don’t think now is the time to focus on that. Right now, the next four years are about immigration, affordable housing, and then beyond that you’re talking marriage, kids, blah blah blah.

Right now, lets just try to avoid a recession, shall we? We’re not doing as poorly as the media likes to scream, but we’ve seen the danger of lulling ourselves into complacency. I need a little fiscal responsibility up in this joint.

And so I voted Conservative. I voted for ‘looks like a block of ice’ Mr. Stephen Harper. And they won.

Oh, and the election? Harper called it himself since the Liberals just kept whining and whining but never put in a vote of non-confidence, citing that they wanted to wait until they were sure they would win. Wow. Way to put a vote of non-confidence against yourself. And so, in not so many words, Harper essentially said “Fine, I’LL call for an election so I can kick your ass even harder.” And that’s exactly what happened. We Canadians are overly polite, but we don’t like sissies.

It’s still a minority government, but with less of a gap. It was really, really close. But my vote didn’t make a difference. Why? Because my riding has always, without fail, voted NDP. We’re hardcore hippie leftwingers in my hood, and I’m very okay with it! Remember, NDP has been my choice for a long time, so I’m more than happy that I get a nice local dose of political feel-good-fuzzies. The guy I normally would have voted for didn’t win, but my MP happens to be his wife, so I feel I’m in the good hands of not one, but two awesome lefties. But I’m still very glad that I’ve got someone who was halfway through fixing shit  back in the drivers seat to finish what he was doing.

So my vote didn’t really count. But I still exercised my right to democracy, and in the end, I get to have my federal cake and eat it locally too. Sweet!

Go Canada! We’re nowhere near as screwed as the U.S.

(Sorry honey.)

Ugh. Thanksgiving.

Okay, so for those of you south of the ol’ US – Canada border, we Canucks celebrate our Thanksgiving in October, not November. Reason being is that it’s very clearly based around the harvest, and ours comes much earlier than our southern neighbours. It’s cold up here, you know.

Here’s the thing – I don’t like Thanksgiving. Sure, I have plenty to be thankful for, and at least once a day I stop and think for a few minutes about how lucky I am to have a job, (I job I actually really like! Even though I’m still surrounded by morons…) some great friends, an AMAZING boyfriend, and yes even a relatively non-dysfunctional family. In fact, I’m probably the most dysfunctional one in the family. So yes, I have much to be thankful for.

I’m plenty grateful. I just don’t see why I have to express this gratitude by spending four days with my family, in a car, driving to a different province, to be poked and prodded and heaped under miles of awkward silences and forced conversation.

https://i0.wp.com/www.hypeful.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/thanksgiving.jpg

I don’t even like phone calls, or spending more than an hour or two with my family. What the hell made anyone think I would enjoy a family car trip? Did I mention I’m vegetarian?

Well there’s my grandmother, first and foremost. She’s overall an incredible woman, and very awesome. If you cross her, she will crucify you and everyone you love. She’s fought a hard life and I would say she won. You couldn’t even guess her age, she looks that great. She is, however, very draining at times. You don’t get an invitation to these family events, you get an informational phone call telling you what time you’re expected.

There’s my grandfather too. He has Parkinson’s and is getting more frail and confused, which I’m sure is going to be upsetting because he really is quite wonderful, and when the time comes I will miss him terribly. But the way I try to look at it, in his mind it’s 1947 again and I’m sure by the end he’s going to be back in a very happy place. He turns to my grandmother once in a while and says “You know, I married the most beautiful woman in the world. You would have just loved her.” She doesn’t bother to correct him, but instead laughs and takes the compliment he doesn’t know he’s giving her (which is the most sincere way, I guess.)

My grandparents are awesome, I’m glad to be seeing them.

As for the rest of my family. Well, of course I love them too. I just don’t like spending a lot of time with others in my immediate vicinity. And with the family, of course, you have to suck it up and put up with all those little annoyances, those little annoyances that would be my swift exit from any other such situation. You can’t say “Wow, and you manage to tie your shoes?” or “Hey, can we not discuss my finances?” at the dinner table – at least not without hearing about it for the next six months. There is an increased level of inhibition, and I hate the shit out of it. I hate pretending to care about other people’s day, I hate pretending to listen, I hate pretending like I have anything to talk about, I hate pretending that I wouldn’t rather be at home on my couch with my boyfriend, my weed, my bunnies, and a family that loves me from the other side of the city. https://i0.wp.com/www.pastdeadline.com/images/sesame_street_thanksgiving.jpgWhen did ‘giving thanks’ turn into flooding the stores for the biggest pre-stuffed bird, jamming up the highways trying to get somewhere that will still be there next weekend, and exhausting ourselves putting on game faces? Ugh. Maybe it’s just me – it usually is.

When Josh and I are together, I’m all about spending Thanksgiving making out in the kitchen amongst food that may or may not get finished.

I’ll stop complaining now, before I bring some instant-karma whoop-ass on myself. I’m just saying that I’ll be giving my thanks when I arrive safely back home.

And really, does ANYONE like the idea of spending four days in close quarters with immediate family? Yeeeesh.

Meme Me Up, Scotty!

Okay, okay, I couldn’t help myself. I got sucked into a meme that I found on JavaQueen’s place, mostly just cause I like the first question. So you can play along if you’d like, or just enjoy 😉

What side of a heart do you draw first?

The right side. And my left is always lopsided 😦

Can you dive without plugging your nose?

Yes I can, though you will never catch me at a public pool because I don’t like swimsuits or at least not in public. I also have a horrific fear of open water (a lot of it has to do with the fact that I can’t wear my glasses when I’m swimming, and I’m so blind without them that I feel vulnerable – if I wake up in the middle of the night, I need my glasses to hear)

What color is your phone?

I have two phones. One is black and silver with an orange screen. My cell phone is silver. I also have a pink phone in my drawer, but it’s shitty and not cordless. I’d say my next cell phone will be pink or green or something else snazzy, but it probably won’t be because I think spending a lot of money on a fashionable cell phone is retarded.

Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?

Surprisingly, not Talea, even though she’s my best friend. That would probably make us both very squirmy and uncomfortable, like the time I told Josh Talea and I were wearing the same shirt. I meant identical shirts, but he though we were both crammed into one sweater in some vague male fantasy. I could stay tied to Josh for 24 hours because it would go very quickly – sex, nap, food, sex, nap, shower, sex, sleep, oh hey you wanna stay tied together today too?

Where are you right now?

Relieving my receptionist for her cigarette break. Why don’t I get a cigarette break? Just because I don’t smoke means I don’t get breaks? I want to say I’m going on a smoke break and just stand outside for ten minutes, crossing my arms and lounging while everyone stares at me confused.

* actually, by the time I hit ‘publish’ I’m now sitting here nursing a wicked hangover.

How do you feel about carrots?

Good snack food, and I can share with my rabbits. I don’t mean ‘take a bite of carrot, give rabbit a bite of carrot, take a bite of carrot.’ That’s gross. I just like to eat a bowl of mini carrots with one of my rabbits next to me and let them have one here and there. Sometimes they’ll eat them, sometimes they’ll be hideously offended that I would even suggest they might like one and throw it back at me.

How many chairs at the dining room table?

Me? Dining room table? Mahahahahahahaha!!!! Have you SEEN my kitchen? It’s a walk in closet in front of my couch.

Who is the best Spice Girl?

Uhhh, the slutty one.

Do you know what time it is?

10:13 am. Of course I know what time it is, I’m writing this on a computer which always has the time.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

Nap. If I woke up and I was still stuck, I’d start crying probably.

What’s your favorite kind of gum?

I don’t like any sort of minty crap, I like fruity stuff. But gum is one of those things where I’ll swipe a pack from work now and then or ask Talea to give me a stick of whatever she’s got (which is usually watermelon or otherwise fruity, she’s got good taste – and I usually pay her back in baked goods). I never really buy gum because I always think “But why? It’s useless. I mean, ice cream doesn’t serve much of a purpose, but at least you get to eat it.” Gum is a waste of money in my mind. Of course, that may have to do with working in a bubblegum factory all those years ago. I still can’t bring myself to pay for something that I feel I should be able to just pick up and put in my pocket.

T or F: All is fair in love and war?

Well, you have to define those words clearly. All is not fair in relationships – I can’t take a bad day out on Josh because that’s not fair, even though he loves me and could probably take it in stride. And no, you can’t pull unfair shit in a war, because eventually (*cough*America*cough*) someone is going to turn around and kick you in the teeth. Though I guess that’s a very special sort of fair…

As for *getting* love, yeah, all’s fair. I don’t know if it would have mattered to me if Josh had been with another girl when I up and decided I wanted him for my own. I’m pretty determined sometimes 😉 And of course when it comes to protecting those you love, things that would normally be considered assault are probably pretty fair.

Do you use words that you don’t know the meaning to?

I try very hard not too. Especially if I’m going to be giving someone shit for something, cause that’s the worst time to make an ass of yourself. My mother once stated very sternly that she had ‘no toleration for this kind of behaviour.’ Right. That’s a good way to discipline and smart 15 year old…

Do you like to sleep?

I do love sleeping, and get nowhere near enough. I find napping isn’t often a good idea though, I usually end up waking up sickish and groggy.

Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings?

I don’t know about states. But I know Saskatchewan doesn’t. Pfffft. Saskatchewan.

Do you know the song Sugar We’re Goin‘ Down?

No.

Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?

Um, no? I wouldn’t mind a Dodge Ram V8 Sport, and my dad just bought a sweet new Malibu.

What’s something you’ve always wanted?

Have you ever seen Iron Man? No, I don’t want Robert Downey Jr. in excessive make-up. Well, maybe just for a while. What I really want is Jarvis, the computer that runs the house and knows what I’m talking about when I say “That…thing, that fiddly thing, bring it over here.” Having a physical extension of my brain without the limitations of the human body would be friggin RAD, and I wouldn’t have to keep pads of paper around for all my thought processes.

Do you wear a lot of black?

Yes. It’s slimming, fashionable, matches with everything and works well in the corporate environment. I’m not so sure you can get to that snazzy CEO position in a floral print…

Describe your hair

Grows FAST! Just over a year ago it was Orphan-Annie short and curly, and now it’s past my shoulders. It’s curly and can either look clipped up and classy or circa 1987 gnarly, depending on the day.

Are you an adult?

Let’s see, I bitch about my commute, my bills, my clients, my life (even though for the most part my life is pretty damn sweet) and I’ve got a desperate need for a hazlenut coffee with two cream and one sweetener every weekday morning. I’m worried about mutual funds. Yes, I am an adult and I don’t know when the fuck that happened.

Who is your best friend?

Talea, closely followed by May, and of course Josh is pretty rad too, and we were friends before we were all in love and junk, so he counts too.

Do you have a tan?

Not particularly, though when I do tan I keep it for a long ass time. I just don’t go outside often enough. I spend about five minutes outside in the morning and evening gettting on and off the streetcar, but from the streetcar to work it’s all underground. And when I’m at home I’m in front of the computer on website/blogging business or knitting.

Are you a television addict?

Nah. I generally know what show is on what channel at what time (which is easy when you only have about five channels – yeah, clearly not addicted) but I’ll say “I have to watch the Simpsons at 7:30!!!” but then when it comes on, I’m always doing something else like cooking or knitting or cleaning.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mom?

In very small doses, yes. She’s adorable, but frazzled and listening to her stress out stresses me out.

Are you a sugar freak?

YES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
What is your favorite movie?
I have no idea, but lately I am so all about Iron Man.

What’s your sign?

Saggitarius, but on the cusp of Scorpio. I’m stubborn AND demanding – awesome.

Where do you wish you were right now?

Frankly, I wish I were in North Carolina getting laid and not having to worry about the effects of the upcoming winter on my poor brain.

Who did you copy this from?

JavaQueen! 😀

How do you know them?

The blogworld.

Would you have sex with them?

Ummmm, no?

What brand of shirt are you wearing?

H&M. Pretty much everything I own is from H&M, because it’s the Ikea of clothing. Cheap, fantastic, but unlike Ikea, it’s conveniently located at the mall, and right by the subway entrance too, which means I don’t have to wander into the idiot-packed mall itself.

Have you ever smoked anything?

Hi, have we met? The only time I’m NOT smoking weed is when I’m at work. Need to be on my A-game when people start bitching about phones, internet, mysterious charges that they don’t agree to despite the signature on their lease, blah blah blah blah blah. I don’t think laughing at them and/or trying to explain global economics would be much appreciated…