The Same Ol’ Situation


The recurring conversation with a man:

Dude: So your girlfriend lives in Canada? (said incredulously and with a hint of disdain)

Me: Yeah, she lives in Toronto.

Dude: So what the fuck is wrong with you man? You do know there’s a shit ton of pussy walking around right here? Why the fuck would you hook up with some chick in another country?

Me: I didn’t exactly plan it like that, it just kind of happened. I met her online and eventually fell in love with her, and that was that.

Dude: So how can you consider it a real relationship if you aren’t even getting your dick wet? I mean, at least tell me you’re getting some strange on the side. You can’t go that long without fuckin man, it’s not healthy. You gotta respect your dick.

Me: Nope, no tang on the side, sorry to let you down. My dick will be alright. Besides, I wasn’t exactly swimming in pussy before I met her. Although now that I think about it, chicks do seem to be much more available now that I’m not looking for them. That’s weird.

Dude: Fuck all that, you’re crazy man. Suckin’ ain’t fuckin’ and eatin’ ain’t cheatin’, you know what I mean. If she can’t take care of you like a woman should you should be able to get some love when you need it. Besides how do you know she isn’t fuckin around on you up there? What happens if you find out she’s been bangin some guy this whole time and you’re passing up pussy left and right. You’re gonna regret the fuck out of all those missed chances. Bitches will do that shit, it’s not just guys who are dogs. She’s probably stringin your dumb ass along getting just what she wants and you’re too fuckin stupid to realize it.

Me: Well I don’t really know that she isn’t fuckin around on me. But then again you don’t know what your old lady is doing when she isn’t with you. For all you know she could be out sucking dick right now. I’m not worried about it, I’ll handle myself, and if I find out she’s been banging someone else I’ll deal with that when I have to. I trust her, she’s a good girl. And suckin is fuckin, eatin is cheatin, just so you know.

Dude: Aw hell no! If she’s not slinging pussy your way, you should get it where you can.

Me: So if you go on a week long trip to the beach, does that mean your woman can go fuck whoever she wants?

Dude: No way! But that’s not the point. Listen I know this chick you would love. She’s good lookin, and she has had a hard time finding good men. She just attracts scumbags. And she’s got a ton of money. She’s real thick like you like them. She could take good care of you man, trust me, you could land that. Come out this weekend, I’ll introduce you two. She’s got a kid, but a real nice house. You could probably stay there.

Me: She’s morbidly obese isn’t she? Why can’t she find a good man of her own?

Dude: No no no no, man, She’s a little bigger, but pretty in the face. She just attracts the wrong kind of guys.

Me: Yeah, like the kind of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend to sleep with a single mother with low self esteem due to her weight who habitually allows men to walk all over her and use her for money and a place to stay?

Dude: …. …. Whatever man, you’re a good guy. You could treat her right. I just can’t see how you can be in a relationship with some bitch on the other side of the planet who you aren’t even fucking.

Me: Don’t worry about my cock, I have everything under control. And besides, I already have my hands full with one woman, I sure as shit don’t need another.

The recurring conversation with a chick:

Chick: So you’re dating a girl from Canada?

Me: Yeah, we’ve been talking for ten months, and together for five.

Chick: Awwwwwww. That’s so sweet. I bet you miss her all the time don’t you?

Me: Yes, all the time. It’s rough some days, knowing she’s out there but I can’t be with her.

Chick: So she came down for a visit right? How long until you get to see her again?

Me: I don’t know, at least six months, possible years. There’s too many variables for me to put a solid estimate on it.

Chick: Oh my God! So you’re not gonna have sex for six months or more? That’s insane! (cocks head to the side) Are you really gonna wait that whole time?

Me: I’ll wait as long as it takes.

Chick: That is so, oh my God, just so romantic! You must really be in love. She’s lucky to have a guy like you. (beginning to flirt) You know my boyfriend just moved away. I just couldn’t stay with him in an exclusive relationship. I couldn’t go that long without the sexual aspect. Even if it’s not serious I just like having someone there to hold me at night, and take care of me when I need sex. (seriously hustling that pussy, batting eyes, brushing my arm, etc)

Me: Uh … yeah, being alone is definitely frustrating. But I have to keep my eyes on the prize. It took me my whole life to find someone who fit me right, and loved me as much as I loved them. I wouldn’t give that up for all the temporary affection in the world.

Chick: (getting the point) That is so sweet. I really hope you two find all the love you are looking for.

Men don’t understand how I could seriously date a girl I am not fucking every night. Even men who are married and in love. Even men with long term relationships. It’s apparently too much to wrap around their minds. They don’t understand why I would not have guilt free sex on the side when there’s no chance of it getting back to my woman. I guess they don’t understand that I found something so great it transcends sex. Something worth sacrificing everything else for. Something worth saving for. Something worth fighting for. If I just wanted pussy I wouldn’t be in a serious relationship to begin with.

Women seem to want what they can’t have. They see a man who loves a girl so much he’s willing to stay essentially alone for an undetermined amount of time in the hopes that everything will work out alright in the end. And somehow all that lip gloss and jewelry crosses the wires in their head to where they think they can just snatch that for themselves. They don’t understand that if they could succeed in stealing me away from my true love for a night they would not be getting the very thing they find so attractive. And they don’t understand that I want something so much more than a brief passion and a warm body in the morning.

It’s hard defending this thing I call love every day. It’s hard trying to explain to people how I feel when they so obviously are in a completely different place in life. But when all is said and done, I know what I have, and I know what it’s worth. I know that no matter what I have to do to get it, everything will be worth the sacrifice. I still want to fuck every hot bitch I meet at a party. I wanted too before I fell in love, and my dick didn’t stop magically working overnight. I still find tons of girls attractive. I still have needs. The difference is that now I found the pussy to end all pussies. The everlasting gobstopper of love and affection. And if I play my cards right, I’ll have something head and shoulders above the trysts that continually left me feeling more alone than before I had a stranger in my arms. The difference is that now I want to wake up to the same face for the rest of my life. And I found the face I want.

Plus VD is a bitch and I hate condoms, but whatever, all that other shit sounded more romantic.

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14 Comments

  1. Emerald said,

    August 14, 2008 at 12:16 am

    I know you got it all under control, but you just remind those girls that I’ve got a decent set of knuckles that’ll crack a jaw up if need be. Touch my man and shit, POW!!! Fuck that. But I do enjoy being the everlasting gobstopper of love and affection, and I’m glad you want to wake up next to me every day. It won’t be that long. And these are the little things that get me through the rough days. You’re the best boyfriend in the world 🙂

  2. Josh said,

    August 14, 2008 at 12:19 am

    Don’t you worry your pretty little head darlin, I know those bitches ain’t down with the streets. My eyes may wander, but my heart is all yours. (also, muhdik)

  3. August 14, 2008 at 1:45 am

    Emerald my gem,

    You write wonderfully. Seriously. I laughed; I cried. I scratched.

    Your lack of available makes wanton women want you more. It’s our hardwiring. Besides nothing is more..well…”fuckable” than the in-love guy who’s untouchable.

    A man who’s in love and who fully allows himself to be without apology AND then has no qualms with telling the world about it, well Baby..ain’t nothing hotter.

    Rule the world,
    LK

  4. Josh said,

    August 14, 2008 at 2:02 am

    Laurie: I think you had a little mix up there. Emerald is my woman, and my name is Josh. Easy mistake, we’re still trying to figure out a good way to make sure everyone knows which of us is writing what posts. But thank you so much, you’re sweet. And nothing in this world makes me happier than making random people scratch themselves. 😉

  5. August 14, 2008 at 5:24 am

    The da man, Josh. 🙂 And you got da woman. 😀 I feel ya bro. 😉

  6. birdpress said,

    August 14, 2008 at 11:17 am

    My fiance says that when men find out he is engaged, they always try to joke about how awful marriage is, and he always wants to say, “well, good thing I LOVE my fiance!” He doesn’t get why men act like that. I’m sure it’s just a “guy thing” that they feel they just have to say, but why? What is more manly than loving your woman? I respect a man so much more for openly loving and respecting his wife or girlfriend.

  7. Josh said,

    August 14, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Peter Parkour: Thanks dude, you da man too.

    Birdpress: I think it’s just how men are put together. Women thrive on relationships and sharing their feelings. Men thrive on independence and dealing with their own problems by themselves. Being in a committed relationship is kind of like shunning our independent natures. Not to mention the whole wild oats aspect where women are looking for someone (on a primal survival level) to take care of their offspring while men are looking to spread their seed as much as possible. Somewhere deep down inside, no matter how much a man falls in love, he still has a wild calling to go be free of constraint and do whatever he wants.

    Often marriages end up dysfunctional because men and womens instincts are pulling in opposite directions and the men end up feeling chained down, emasculated, and domesticated, while the women end up feeling unwanted, misunderstood, and unsupported. I’m not some magic love guru or anything, love is crazy difficult. I know that even when I understand what causes problems I’ll end up tripping on my own dumb impulses and falling flat on my face. Hopefully Em and I will be able to work through these things though. Heh, time will tell I suppose.

  8. Emerald said,

    August 16, 2008 at 12:29 am

    I think we’ll be just fine 😉 You remember the important things like how much I hate slamming cupboard doors, vaguely asian ambisexual imaginary children hiding in the bathroom, and other things that startle me. And I know to let you sleep sometimes and to not nag your ass off when you do things like burn yourself in the face at work. 😛

  9. joanharvest said,

    August 16, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    I love reading about your love. You guys are awesome. The best things in life are always worth waiting for. It’s great that you found each other.

  10. romi41 said,

    August 18, 2008 at 2:03 am

    When I got to the last few paragraphs, you made me cry.

    You asshole.

    But then the last line cracked me up, so we’re good 😉 .

  11. Josh said,

    August 18, 2008 at 2:16 am

    Em: I promise not to turn into a vaguely ambisexual Asian child.

    Joan Harvest: Thank you, yes we are, yes they are, and yes it is.

    Romes: Well if I can make you tear up then I know I must be doing something right. Asshole or not 😉 I actually tend to write with a WWRD (what would Romi do) philosophy. You’re the every-woman I try and connect with when I tell our stories. As a man, connecting with my emotions and relating to a female audience is a pretty difficult task, so knowing that from time to time I actually do it alright is a reaffirming feeling. And of course I can’t be all touchy feely without at least a line or two of comedic relief at the end.

  12. duffboy said,

    August 18, 2008 at 3:39 am

    Your story is inspiring, and yes, VD is a bitch… but anyway, I wish all the joy in the world. May God bless WordPress, MSN messenger and all the other social media that brought you 2gether!

  13. Pure Evyl said,

    September 1, 2008 at 2:53 am

    There is much to be said for finding the pussy to end all pussies.

  14. Emerald said,

    September 1, 2008 at 5:01 pm

    @ Duffboy: I get such a kick out of finally getting to be in a sappy handholding couple, and I love what the internet has done for love! Fuck lavalife and all that crap, blogging is the way to go, cause then you get to see what people are really like before you even think of dating. Now instead of having to settle for the best you can find around, now the whole world is pretty much open and you can find someone who is exactly right somewhere on the other side of the continent. Hopefully, as the internet has done so far, the impact on society will be enough that immigration laws will stop being such a bitch

    @PureEvyl: Yes. Yes there is 😀


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