Interview With A Girlfriend

Josh here everyone. I finally came up with a decent idea to contribute to this blog. Apparently I don’t have many post concepts that fit well into a relationship blog. But Em and I decided to have a little fun and interview each other. In this, the first installment of two, I interview her, trying my best to emulate Stephen Colbert, and failing miserably. Hopefully with these two interviews you can get a better sense of who exactly we are, since neither one of us really feels comfortable filling out those damned “about you” pages. It’s like filming a dating audition for the whole friggin internet, and this is much more like joking around and conversating with each other, which is how we fell in love in the first place. So without further adieu I present to you, in Dolby surround sound 5.0, yours truly throwing Emerald under the bright lights of a media frenzy.

Thanks for meeting me today Em, May I call you Em? Yes, yes you may.

Of course I can, so Em, besides being named Emerald have you ever had any nicknames? I believe there have been jokes made about me winning an Emmy at some point, but mostly just Em.

How about your vagina, what alias’ has it gone by in the past? I think it has only ever once been given a title or anything other than ‘your vajayjay’ and stuff, but I don’t think you’d like it.

Nothing like Lucy I hope. How about Harriet? I always thought that was a good vagina name. Well it didn’t have a name, but Anthony used to write his name across my tummy in sharpie and point an arrow to it to indicate it was his. But it was never really his, and its only yours now. So I guess in a weird way it’s named “Josh’s”, unless you want to name it Harriet.

No, we’ll come up with a good nickname for that later. Speaking of vaginas, the word on the street is that you are a closet lesbian. If you had the chance, which may I say, with a body like yours you just might, what female celebrity would you most like to scissor the bearded clam with? I was going to say Donna D’Erico, who was Nikki Sixx’s hot wife. Cause I always thought they were both hot, but that’s slightly intimidating with two hot people. and now that they’re divorced I was going to say something about not having to worry about Nikki favoring her more, but then remembered she dumped him, so I don’t like her anymore. I’d go with Angelina Jolie cause she’s a freak, I like skinny chicks, she’s got a great face, and I’m on a totally pregnancy kick lately. Plus the awesome kid names.

Well make sure to film it if you do, or even let me watch if she doesn’t mind. Especially if she’s preggers. How would you describe your religious views? I would say there is definitely something going on up there but I don’t know who or what it is or even if it’s conscious. But I refuse to believe I’m just a petri dish. In the end I’m rather budhist on the whole topic, which is essentially to live the best you can and worry about the god part when you get there. Oh, and one more thing, I don’t come knocking on your door with a copy of ‘The Dirt’, so get the hell off my lawn!

If you had to choose one religion to commit genocide on, which one would taste your bloody wrath? Fundamentalism of any sort, of which any set of ideals supporting genocide would be one. But then I like paradoxes.

I don’t even like one dox at a time, but I digress. My sources say you are a vegetarian. Now most people think of angry, hypocritical, douchebags when they hear the V word, but I’ve smelled you, and you smell nothing like a douchebag. Can you explain the apparent contradiction here? What reasons if any do you have for not being a total asshole every time someone brings meat or animal products around you? You don’t come knocking on my door with a dead cow, so I’ll stay the hell off your lawn.

Very blasé faire. So since you’ve decided to abstain from the best food on earth, what is your favorite out of the selection you’re left with? Low carb air wraps? Finely shredded cabbage wafers topped with tree bark? Algae? What drives your mouth wild? Licks veggie burgers with sauteed mushrooms and onions on flax toast with dijon mustard and carolina bbq sauce, with a side of one of two salads: spinach with strawberries, sunflower seeds and bocconcini cheese with a raspberry vinaigrette, or arugula topped with toasted almond/sauteed onion herbed goat cheese and toasted almonds with an olive oil lemon vinaigrette. Oh, and Thai food. I only ever order golden curry tofu.

Ooooh, nice choice! I’m almost tempted to try that minus the veggie burger part, I’m impressed. Well, with all that healthy eating, some of your fans think you have a great chest, and they are correct. Some of them think you have a great ass, and they are also correct. What part of your body do you think is the best? My boobies are awesome, though I wish they’d stay up on their own more. My ass is fantastic, but I’m not a fan of my jiggly arms.

I like all three, and as jiggly as possible! You are part French Canadian, does this give you a natural shaving handicap, or do you just feel arrogant and wear dumb hats most of the time? Oh snap, how much do I want one of those ridiculously large and floppy sunhats? I want to be an obnoxious hat wearer when I’m 70. I’d do it now if I had money to spend on hat boxes. And I must say I put off shaving as much as possible because I actually have a vivid, horrific fear of slicing my ankle open.

Any other vivid hygiene fears I should know about before I take our relationship any farther? Acidic Summers Eve parhaps? Hmmmm? Other than my total failure at properly applying Nair, no. But what is acidic summers eve?

That would be twat freshner that could magically become acid and burn off your pelvis. I was just making up ridiculous shit to joke with you. Oh douches are a horrible idea, soap and water ladies.

At the moment you are succeeding as an apt customer service representative for a large corporation. That seems like hell to me personally, but you seem to thrive in a corporate setting. What would be you dream job, and why do you think it would be the best job on the planet? My dream job would to be a personal assistant to a small group of executives, say five members of a board of some type. I want to be rearranging flights, remembering everyone’s coffee order, and driving around in a company car. Because I’m good at it and that’s how I impress the hell out of myself.

Wow, so basically a power secretary? Yes. I think the corporateness can be very sexy, so naturally I have to be the absolute best. Besides, that person has the real power. If I were to quit with no notice, I’d take down the damn board. Talea and I as a unit did that at our last job.

You come off as a closet freak, what is the most embarrassing sexual situation you have ever been in? Um …. hang on let me think! Well I don’t know how much of a sexual situation this is, but I was horrifically bum sick on the second night I was staying at this guys house when we first started dating, and the bathroom was right next to the bedroom. There was no sexy times, he just got to listen to me all night. Other than that, just the usual occasional queef and a surprise period or two.

Ha, that’s awesome! Serves him right, he should have known he wasn’t right for you. You have recently revealed that you met a man. Your fans are eating this up, quite possibly because of his uber-hunk status. Would you say he’s an incredibly attractive man, or the most attractive man ever? I would say he is the sexiest man ever, and will probably look like a handsome, rugged Tommy Lee Jones when he gets older.

He already looks at least that good according to public opinion. They say money can’t buy happiness. With America in an economic recession would you say this has been proven to be bull shit, or do you not care since you live in that other state? Well we do worry about your economy because you are our primary trade partner, but we’re doing alright. Toronto as a city tends to weather economic difficulties well, which is a trend normally only seen in political centres like Ottawa. (cause their economies are steadied by political tourism, etc) So I personally don’t feel the crunch, but our housing market is through the roof. I’m sure farmers could tell you differently, etc. but I personally feel sheltered from its immediate impact. I do think you’re fucked for the next little bit though.

Maple syrup, what’s the big deal? Also, milk in a bag, WTF? I KNEW you were going to ask about the milk. Dude, maple syrup is the shit, there’s no way around that. And look, bags just take up less fucking room. It’s actually a problem up here, finding a place to put all our shit in the recycling process, and having to ship our garbage to Michigan.

Oh wow, so there’s an actual reason for it, I thought you guys had just been frozen in th snow for too long and started going mad. You’d have to stick like, 300 empty milk bags to take up the same space one jug of milk takes up. No wonder you spit out like five times more volume in garbage than we do. (statistics totally real and true but not verified)

Your currency is called a loonie. Do you feel retarded when you go to the store, or have you found a way to cope with the name? Loonie is natural to me, I mean there’s a loon on it, loonie, it’s kind of cute. Like how you sometimes refer to your money with the name of the president. The toonie is retarded, but pretty, so I like it. Also it makes saving up easier, cause it’s nothing to toss a loonie or toonie in a change jar, and then holy shit you’ve got fifty bucks!

Now a two loonie bill is called a toonie, are you aware that the USA got rid of their two dollar bill because it was “queer”? Good thing we don’t have a two dollar bill then.

The toonie ma’am, the toonie is what I speak of. Well you didn’t get rid of no two dollar coin cause it was queer now did you?

Does the phrase “queer as a toonie” sound like something you want people saying when you purchase things? See you’re doing that thing with words that my brain doesn’t recognize, cause I’d say queer as a loonie cause loonie also means nuts. And queer is also used to mean strange or weird, even though I know that’s obviously not what you mean.

Perhaps the saying is lost in translation. So you are telling me that Canada uses coins for one and two dollar currency? Are you aware that America has perfected the currency system, much like everything else we do, and if so why has Canada not yet conformed to our obvious global superiority? Yeah we’ve got coins, cause they last longer than bills. Also, your currency sucks ass. I like my colour coding system, especially when I’m drunk or its dark.

Well have fun with your hypothermia little miss sass. Canada is famous for never doing anything with their alleged army. Why do you still have one, in five words or less? Cause we use it, retard.

Eskimos, friend or foe? Friend. They make pretty jewellery and have an interesting culture and respect the land.

Enough about your country would you rather pee on someone, or crap on someone? And who would you do it to? Oh, I’d far rather pee on someone, cause I think crapping is far more personal and revealing. I mean “she likes to think her shit don’t stink” is a phrase for a reason. But who would I pee on? I don’t know. Probably whatever smarmy mouth, punk ass kid just pissed me off on whatever occasion I happen to finally snap and do it.

What is your favorite animal? Bunnies!

Mine is the venom spitting dragon ape, which of ours do you think would win in a fight? You asshole! You knew I’d walk into that one! My secret fifth rabbit Trogdor would win!

Win a quick death perhaps. OK, if you were supreme commander of the world, what would be your first order of business, and would it involve legalizing marijuana and forcing everyone to consume some every day? My first command would be EVERYONE BACK IN YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY!!!! By that I don’t mean ‘get out immigrants’, cause we do need them up here. I mean people arguing over borders and retarded shit should just stop for a motherfucking second, sit on your currently designated sides for a bit. And CHILL OUT. And fuck it, you know what? lets apply that to the whole world. For two weeks NOBODY travels, and then see how much you take for granted your current ability to hop all over the world. Smoke weed for a week and lets start this shit over.

Sounds like you would be a much better supreme commander than I would. Let’s talk politics. You claim to vote far left wing, yet you also claim to not agree with the far left wing, what is your reason for contradicting yourself? I have a set of principles that I stick to. Generally speaking they can be associated with a left wing political stance, but I will not deny when a right wing government puts a policy or practice into place that I agree with. I don’t care what left or right label you want to put on it, my principles are what I go by.

What’s your scariest nightmare ever, besides a government run my way? I had a nightmare when I was a young kid about wandering lost through a witches shop with dusty raw wooden floors and shelving, steaming cauldrons and jars. It doesn’t sound scary but I was lost and terrified.

I once dreamed I was having sex with a woman and she spontaneously gave birth on me, have you ever dreamed about having a baby born on top of you during intercourse? Uhhhhhhh nope. I do think about the whole birth thing though, mostly cause it terrifies me.

You might tonight. How about your personality? You say you are crazy, but not typical girl crazy. Can you elaborate on this for us? Well I’m crazy in the clinical sense in that I get weird panic attacks and have mild delusions like “I cant shave my legs or my plans for the evening will fall through” like actual crazy. But I don’t do things like say “nothing!” when you ask what I’m pissed about, and I’m actually pretty good at explaining why I feel something completely irrational. I don’t know many women who can say, “oh ignore me, I’m just mad for no reason.”

And one last question for you tonight, if you could have one superpower, what would it be? Invisibility! Because I want to know everything and be everywhere.

Mine would be the ability to completely control every aspect of other people’s bodily functions, that way I could make a ton of money as a masseuse who gives women orgasms, but not get arrested for prostitution. Plus if people pissed me off I could make them crap their pants. I wouldn’t mind you having that power. Well, more for the first reason. Not so much the second.

Alright Emerald, thank you for sharing with us today, you’ve been amazing. I wish you all the best in your secret lesbian love life, and I hope we get the chance to talk again in the future.

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9 Comments

  1. July 29, 2008 at 3:40 am

    […] a little better go ahead and skip that whole “about us” page, and go right ahead to the Interview With a Girlfriend, and Interview With a Boyfriend. That’s where the real shit is. I can’t speak for Em, […]

  2. July 29, 2008 at 4:52 am

    Awesome interview. Great questions and answers. “…venom spitting dragon ape…” had me cracking up as did many other parts of this Q&A. Your super power question was asked of me during an interview with a woman in “processing” when I went to prison. She was questioning us find folk to week out the wacky ones. Actually she asked if I had any super powers. I told her I had the ability to calm really jittery squirrels and then laughed my ass off. She gave me a clean bill of mental health. 😛 Little does she know… hehehe. 😉

  3. Emerald said,

    July 29, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    Ha, that’s a great story. And damn, I totally should have said that my bunny Hannibal was really that crazed defeat-all bunny from Monty Python. Next time…

  4. Josh said,

    July 29, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    I can do the same thing with squirrels, but it’s not so much a power as a rifle. They calm right down though.

  5. Emerald said,

    July 29, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    Hahaha! Even though I love squirrels and would be mad if you shot one while I was around (See? I’m reasonable. You can shoot them, just don’t tell me about it) I still think that’s hilarious. That’s like “I love watching children jump and scream in the schoolyard. They don’t know I’m shooting blanks.”

    Awesome.

  6. duffboy said,

    August 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    You are on one funny-ass couple. I’m not sure how productive your sharing each other’s sexual history will be (relationship-wise), but it does make a kick ass read.

  7. Emerald said,

    August 13, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    It’s actually awesome, Josh and I like to re-read these interviews for kicks. We think we’re rad. It’s pretty healthy I think 😉

  8. Josh said,

    August 13, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Duffboy: We usually don’t go delving into each other’s sexual escapades prior to our relationship, but I thought it would potentially be a funny question for this interview. Basically both of us are pretty comfortable with the fact that neither one of us were virgins when we met. That’s just a fact of life these days. No matter who I hook up with they probably have been with some guys I would think are downright nasty trash, and wouldn’t want to follow. And they probably had better lovers, and intimate romps I would rather not know about. But it’s no big deal. I look at it like a lot of good practice so the woman can love me up crazy good and whatnot. Like all those other guys got the shitty sex out of the way so I could dip in the cream of the crop. Plus she needed someone to keep her company until I found her. I wouldn’t want her to be lonely all her life just so I could plant the first flag, fuck all that.

  9. Emerald said,

    August 13, 2008 at 11:59 pm

    Awww, see that’s why I love you and junk.


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