Interview with a Boyfriend

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen!

I don’t particularly care what time of day it is where you are right now, and it’s actually just past noon here. But I enjoy saying “Good Evening”, particularly in a foreboding voice. Either way, welcome. I know I’ve made mention of the fact that this is in fact a dual post and that you’d be hearing from Josh. Tonight he came up with a fantastic idea for us to spend time together across the miles. We both fired up some pizza related foodstuffs, briefly watch So You Think You Can Dance (seriously, I don’t know who that screechy judge lady is, but I want her shot), and then interviewed each other with a game of twenty questions. Since a lot of you may not know very much about us, we figured it would be a good way to introduce ourselves. For those of you who already know us, enjoy another glimpse into our comedic genius.

Le Interview:

*Ahem*…*points microphone*

Testing one two, is it working?

For starters, and for the viewers, Mr. Josh, how did you meet your sexy ass girlfriend?

Ah, good question. I was surfing the internet, trying to find more blogs that I enjoy. I really just one that I read, and since I had just started blogging myself I was cruising around looking for cool people to pretty much rip off and ween viewers from through comments. And through a long series of blog links I somehow found Emeralds bestest friends website and was struck with her beauty and charm, but since she was taken I kept moving along and happened across a rather angry but amazing woman, and we just clicked from the first comment I left. Long story short, we fell in love through our blogs, cause we’re dorks.

Yeah, sorry Talea and I aren’t lesbians, I know you keep hoping. I’m sure she’ll love you appreciation of her beauty and charm. But carrying on my good sir! Favourite comedian and why?

Wow, that’s tough. I really love Mitch Hedburg. He was one of the funniest men who have ever lived, and came at the comedy scene with a fresh new take on dry one liner jokes. He’s a real classic, and I still quote him occasionally, but I would have to say my all time favorite is Dane Cook. I know, I know, Dane Cook is every twenty something’s favorite comedian, but that’s cause he really is the best in the business right now. Vicious Circle was the funniest DVD ever made ever, and I’ve watched it a million times and anyone who thinks otherwise is sadly mistaken and has no taste.

Dude, I so agree, its a fucking toss up between those two. I hope you don’t ask me that cause I’ve got a million more. If you were a Jim Henson muppet, who would you be?

Dang, that’s hard. Animal rocks obviously. Kermit was a total fag, and Gonzo was just weird. I liked that band leader with the gold tooth. He was pretty cool. But in the end I think I would either be Rizzo the Rat, or his french prawn buddy. Or both the old hecklers at once, that would be cool too. I hope you don’t mind indicisive interviewees.

Let me clarify: Consider all tv shows, ’cause there’s sesame street. I personally am the Cookie Monster. A blog quiz told me so.

Yeah? Ok, well I’m not cookie monster for sure. And I’m not Elmo, although you may feel free to tickle me if you want. I understand Jim Henson did a lot of shit, and I wasn’t thinking of his entire works. How about Yoda, could I be yoda?

Yoda, you can be.

Move on to the next subject you must

Sadly, it took me a second to get the backwards grammar right. Or wrong. Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have smoke weed before writing these questions. And I am, I am! What is your worst habit?

Uh, getting DUI’s. Definitely getting DUI’s.

Well you stop getting those, and I’ll stop leaving my toenail clippings in the ash tray. Ummmmmm, Playboy or Hustler? Or, if it makes a difference, Hugh Hefner or Larry Flint?

Dude, Hustler for sure. Playboy is lame as hell and hardly ever shows any poon tang. What the hell is the point of buying nudie mags if you don’t get to glory in snatch you will never have a chance with? A couple of pinups in the center? Fuck you Hugh Hefner, you’re lame as hell. But to be honest, I prefer the internet over either, cause if my mood shifts suddenly mid jerk off, I can switch from midgets to BBW’s or whatever.

You and the midgets. Okay, Will Ferrell, yay or nay?

Yay, usually. He has that Quentin Tarantino tendency to be a bit over self indulgent with his acting roles, and probably should spend less attention to spitting out movies as fast as he can, and more time working out the crappy screen plays and such. For instance, Anchorman? It sucked for the most part, but Taladega Nights? AWESOME! Shake and bake! That just happened.

Really? Snap, I gave up after Anchorman, I gotta catch up then (side note: make Will Ferrell date.) What is your favourite thing to cook? Wait, what? Shake and bake?

It’s a quote from Taladega Nights, and yes you should watch that for sure. I really like cooking in general. I love making almost anything. But my favorite thing to make is sandwiches. I think sandwiches are the best form of food on the planet. And so versatile, OMG! I fuckin love ’em. I like when the fridge is getting towards empty and I have just two slices of bread, and have to take the remnanats of twenty different ingredients or leftovers and combine them into one sandwich. It’s really challenging and fun, and when it works out, which is a good bit of the time, I have a strong sense of accomplishment.

You do realize you should have actually said ‘shake and bake’ at first right?

Uh no, I am not a big shake and bake fan. I’d rather fry stuff up for reals.

Okay, that doesn’t count as a question, next! If you could have eihter a monster truck or an airplane, which would you choose, providing that the plane is irreversibly pink and fuzzy?

So you mean I could either have a pink fuzzy airplane, or a monster truck of my design?

Well maybe not a super custom built one, I mean just a standard monster truck, like someone took you to a monster truck rally and just gave you a random key. The plane however, only comes in pink.

What kind of plane is it? I mean is it like a biplane, or a passenger plane, or a bomber, or a jet fighter, or a sea plane, or a leer jet?

747

Screw the 747, I would take the monster truck. I would have so much more fun with it. Plus I hate airports. And I couldn’t visit Emerald (you) in the plane just yet, so I would rather be driving around Wake and Johnston counties looking all badass and redneck, crushing stuff and never using roads.

I didn’t really think about that question much, did I? Oh well. Okay, this I’ve actually been wondering for a long time, and I guess I’ve been too lazy to google. What the fuck is eskimo pie?

An eskimo pie is like a moon pie I think, unless I’m way off. Or maybe like chocolate cookies with creme in the middle like a sandwich. Dammit, now I don’t know. Let me google it right quick. Yeah, nevermind, it’s like an ice cream sandwich on a stick I guess. I don’t know man, I don’t ever eat stuff like that. I’m a salt man, not a sugar man.

Put those boobies up or I’ll never be able to finish this interview

Shhhhh! They can’t see.

Oh right, my bad, that’s an MB.

Okay, if you had to give up eating one animal, would you pick chicken, pig or cow?

Could I pick like, rat?

Don’t worry I’m not trying anything funny, I respect your meat worshipping. And no. Notice I didn’t even include fish?

Dang, well pig is out cause my favorite food is made of pork, and beef is out, cause what straight man would give up steak forever. I would give up chicken. Everything else tastes like it anyway.

I so called that. What do you like most about yourself?

Muhdik! Nah just playing, although that’s what I “love” most frequently about myself. I would say my sense of humor, or the way my brain pulls together information in a different pattern than most peoples brain does. But the latter doesn’t get me as much strange as the former, so uh … my sense of humor, final answer

….That’s a Who want’s to be a millionaire referrence, not me ending the interview.

Yeah, I got that, don’t worry

You had a really long pause there.

I stopped thinking there for a second cause I was thinking about all the things I like about you and I think my brain does the same, thats why we click so well.

I had you at muhdik.

That too. Since we both had pizza for dinner, what’s one topping that you’ve never seen on pizza (I mean pizza you can buy easily, not shit you poured on there yourself on a drunken trip to the pantry or something) but that really really should be there right next to mushrooms and all that?

There used to be a place in town that served ostrich and aligator pizza, those would be pretty rad. I think maybe, chorizo, or lengua. Both mexican dishes, one a sausage, the second being beef tongue, and I never see either on pizza. Uh, cheese curds, cause we don’t have those here.

OH MY FUCK, POUTINE PIZZA!!!

Hell yeah, now you’re thinking woman! Gravy and cheese on pizza? Yes please!

I’m thinking just gravy and cheese and potatoes, but do you still think there should be tomato sauce? Oh right, interview! Okay, okay, I’m almost done.

Nah, not for poutine pizza. Maybe you could make a really thick gravy that would hold together well, and make the entire crust deep fried potato of some kind.

I thought that was part of the interview

No, potato wedges on pizza is good! And yeah, totally make it part, that was just an interlude, I just don’t want to get too far off track. Okay, where do you see America in three years? How about twenty?

…..

Take your time.

Right above Mexico, and stretching north to the Eskimo badlands in what is now the northern most sections of Canada. HA!

So realistically, I see America continuing to go into recession. These things tend to work like very long waves. I think the backlash against bush should drastically change our foriegn policy with the next president, so hopefully the rest of the world will slowly stop hating us again. I think the American people are going to get more and more frustrated with our two party system, and eventually lash out against our government who is quite obviously failing us on nearly every level. I see something like the protests of the sixties mixed with the race riots in California. There will probably be some severe civil unrest, and a good stretch of time where the government tries to tighten it’s grip and regain it’s control without giving in to change. But in the end I see America keeping it’s place as the premier superpower in the world. We still have a lot to offer as a nation, and if we can get some things straightened out in our country, our people will be able to rise up again and pursue the American dream of freedom and success, rebuilding our economy and keeping us at the front of science and technology.

Well I hope one of us is across the border before the ‘tighten it’s grip’ shit kicks in. But time for a lighter question: Seriously, how the fuck do you not like Doritos? Honestly?

I don’t like Doritos cause they taste like ass. I’m not a big fan of fried corn goods, never have been. The only exception would be Tostitos, cause they don’t over power salsa, and they accompany the flavor of salsa and guacamole well. I don’t like corn tortillas either, I prefer the flour ones. Why do you like them so much? They dry your mouth out and they all taste the same. Shite! Hushpuppies are good too.

I only like Doritos after a bowl cause I like to think about the science of artificial flavour in those little specks all over the chips. That and I like crunching things into a paste, like saltine crackers because I’m frigging weird. so what’s your opinion on nudists?

Ok well I’m not a pothead and I like my crackers to be flour based, like the cracker ass honky I am. Nudism is one of those do what you want things. I don’t mind. Hell, I don’t really even mind people being around me naked when I have some heads up, no pun intended. But even though I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak, I would feel weird just walking around naked with strangers and living like that. And I would probably object to my beautiful girlfriend participating in nudist activities cause it would make me jealous. I mean, you are breath taking, and every guy would want you, and it would bother me. So the compound jealousy, and I guess … insecurity? I don’t know I just wouldn’t want to do it.

Who is your idol and if you could rummage through one drawer/cupboard in their house, which one would it be?

My idol? I think my idol doesn’t exist in real life. It’s more an amalgam of different public figures who I have seen and thought were cool, but later found out were not really that cool at all. I guess you could take just about every rock star, combine them with the manliness of every action movie star, and make one all powerful idea of what I think is sexy, charming, manly, cool, and badass. Unfortunately I have learned that most of the people who seemed cool growing up, or in the public eye are really total losers, but I still have that idea of the ass kicking, cowboy, rockstar, rebel in my head. Maybe satan. And if I could rummage through one drawer or cupboard which one would it be? The fuckin liquor closet baby! Woo hoo!

Medicine cabinet for me. Different vice?

Heh, that too, I hope they keep them in one place

Oh, and fyi, I won’t do any nudist things, even though I could technically go topless in T.O.

That would make me feel better.

Okay, did anyone ever actually use the term Freedom Fries?

Yeah, uh, nobody ever really called them that. That was more of a propaganda thing the government and the media hyped like shit. Everyone I knew thought it was retarded, but kind of went along with it cause it was fun to mock the fear-mongers and the French at the same time. But in real life, outside of parody, nobody called them freedom fries.

Okay good, cause holy shit we laughed at you for that. Worst invention ever?

The worst invention ever? I don’t know, probably the clapper. I hate the clapper. And that stupid song that went with it. “Clap on, clap off, clap on clap off clap on … the clapper!” I hate that damn song. BET was a dumb idea, but that’s not really an invention. It has to be the clapper, that was pretty dumb.

Really? Awwwwwww

Do you want a clapper?

It facilitates laziness! We can romp around in the hay with the lights on to enjoy the scenery and stuff and then be able to turn off the lights without getting out of bed!

They have remote control lights for that.

Oh wait, I guess they have remotes for that now, which is better cause it’s not noisy and you don’t have to…yeah

And remote control ceiling fans

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an example of what Josh and I call brainsex and we do it all the time. It even has its own emoticon i found, a little brain made out of wriggling naked bodies.

brain sex!

brain sex!

Second last question: Family Guy or Simpsons?

Wait you gotta explain, brain sex is when two people think the same thing at the same time.

Oh yeah, well that’s what we just did right there. I guess I figured it was self explanitory.

I have to say Family Guy is funnier and edgier, but I’ve seen so many of them so many times that now for rerun enjoyment I prefer the Simpsons, cause the jokes are fresh again. So Futurama.

I say Simpsons just cause there’s more of them and less likely to see one you saw just last week. And lastly: what’s your favourite kind of pie?

Pink. Hahahahahaha!

I’m Canadian, does that count as eskimo pie?

Heh, it might, I would have to say if that counts it’s my favorite kind of pie. But really, besides pecan pie which is fuckin awesome, my most favorite kind of pie is actually cake. Cheese cake. I think that is really pie with the bastard name cake at the end.

That must be true cause I like pie and not really cake. If we both like cheesecake, can we sit around watching sappy movies eating cheesecake? And by sappy movies I mean Con Air where I cry at the end, cause I don’t really do actual flick movies.

Flick = chick. I tried to say chick flick and failed.

Oh, I thought you meant porn, yeah sure, Con Air is awesome. I get it, sappy movies, like semen would be people sap …. eh? … nevermind.

Porn and cheesecake is for another interview but this one has been fantastic. Thank you Mr. Josh.

Thank you ma’am.

*fin* (that’s French or something for ‘the end’)

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4 Comments

  1. July 29, 2008 at 5:23 am

    Yet another awesome interview. Awesome Q&A. As for Will Ferrell, might I suggest his movie “Elf” if you haven’t seen it yet, Em. It’s my personal favorite, but please keep in mind I’m a bit retarded. 😛 Now if you’ll excuse me, my freedom fries are calling me. 😉

  2. Emerald said,

    July 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    Fuckin’ freedom fries, hahaha 😉

  3. 2lazydogs said,

    August 5, 2008 at 4:22 am

    Jesus Christmas. I clicked on your name from a comment you left on my blog and I landed here. I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole! Where have I been? Where did this here blog come from? What did I miss? Ok…I’m going to snoop around a bit in sec but I’ve got to say…best.interview.evah.

    And best seque ever: “That and I like crunching things into a paste, like saltine crackers because I’m frigging weird. so what’s your opinion on nudists?” Bwahahahaha. Love your train of thought, Em.

  4. Emerald said,

    August 7, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    Seriously, I thought I was the only one who works like that, but Josh seems to as well which rocks. I dont have to worry about being weird anymore. And yes, I started a seperate blog so my other one didn’t get bogged down with lovey touchy feely stuff 😉


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