A New Improved Way to Get Your Kids Off Your Back

Hey everybody!

It’s time for some great parenting advice from an obnoxious twenty something who doesn’t have kids!

Not sure what to do when your kids are out of control? Are they screaming in the back seat for the eleventh hour in a row en route to Aunt Ethel’s for that family dinner you’d rather not be at anyways? Do they have an annoying habit of yanking on the phone cord for your attention until they disconnect you from your long lost best friend in Alberquerque?

Well then, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that in the days of yore there were those of the opinion (probably including Aunt Ethel herself) that a quick shot of silly juice was enough to soothe just about any toddler ailment from teething pain to pesky bed time meandering.

Nowadays, we know better. Letting our children have booze is a bad idea. Letting our children have peanuts is a bad idea. Letting our children have milk products is a bad idea. As is sunlight, tap water, synthetic fibre and bubblegum. Not to mention letting them loose in a playground with outrageous gravel, now that we have brightly coloured squares of ubersafe chopped up former tire bits to cushion their feeble, feeble knees. And if you have the nerve to cover a boo-boo with any sort of non-antiseptic bandaid, or dare leave your counters bare of their daily recomended dose of Lysol, well then! You’re headed straight to the stocks, you bad parent you. At least if you believe those Brand Power commercials (because those no-name granola bars tell your kids you don’t care.)

Thankfully, the two modern worlds of over-sanitizing the crap out of kids and the occasional need to get said kids to shut the hell up have collided ad last. Yes, it’s true, kids are getting snockered on hand sanitizer. Now of course like most products designed to improve your child’s overall health, hand sanitizer should be guarded carefully to avoid overdosage. You know, kind of like Flintstones vitamins.

Look, I've got shoes! How toxic can I be?

But at least now you can enjoy the comfort of knowing that while your energetic little one is contentedly dazed, he or she is also being protected from all the scary germs out there by way of licking chemicals off of their clean little paws.

Of course, I guess you could also use soap….or even make use of this ‘immune system’ thingie. But hey, that’s just me.

except probably not

 

11 Comments

  1. Ginny said,

    August 21, 2009 at 2:27 am

    Oh. My. God.

    But on the upside, next time I don’t make it to the liquor store, I won’t panic quite so hard.

    I know, right? I have to admit the first thing I did was make a mental note in a file I didn’t know I had: cheap substitutes.

  2. Josh said,

    August 21, 2009 at 2:30 am

    Look shug, I know you love your whole responsibility kick. But bottle feeding your children alcohol is a healthy and natural system. I have many friends who have been raised on this idea, including the guy who bought me alcohol from ages 16-20, the people who are currently encouraging me to drive illegal and dangerous vehicles, and that other guy who plays World of Warcraft. These are some of my closest friends and some of the best peeps I have ever met. By contrast I have many convictions and am under state supervision, unlike any of the aforementioned “alcohol babies”! Don’t dis the beer system!

    Well I can’t say I’m down with bottle feeding booze, but on the plus side for you that means I’ll have to keep my boobs in their face 24/7 if I don’t want you sneaking in there.

  3. Josh said,

    August 21, 2009 at 2:41 am

    Haha good luck sugar tits! You never know when I will be both taking up your boobie time and also poisoning our children! (with the nectar of the gods!)

    A-ha, but I do know how to make you forget what you were doing mid-sentence ;)

  4. Josh said,

    August 21, 2009 at 2:55 am

    I’m only kidding, we’ll get together on important parenting issues including feeding our children copious amounts of [sugar].

    I’m not saying they can’t have sugar. Candy cane pie year round! I just have to be extra responsible or I know you wouldn’t just let them jump from the counter into the tub or something, you’d build them a full-on catapult :P

  5. Jen512 said,

    August 22, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    My dad is a retired teacher, and I’m friends with a lot of his old teacher friends on Facebook. They were talking about how hand sanitizer had been banned by the school for many years, something I was totally unaware of because as far as I knew my father was still making that shit mandatory if one of those germy kids even thought about approaching his desk. Such a rule breaker, my dad. Anyway, I was pointing out how kids are too over protected these days and they ought to be able to trust 10 year olds with hand sanitizer. Then another teacher piped in that one of her fifth graders had eaten that blue de-icing salt that they use on the playground and had to be rushed to the hospital last year. Okay, perhaps I had a little too much faith in kids after all. It’s all that tap water making them stupid.

  6. David said,

    August 23, 2009 at 3:19 am

    The pig kissing little bastard has the right idea! The immune system needs exercise, just like the rest of the body and mind.

    They also need to be trained not to ever eat anything blue. No foods are blue.

  7. nursemyra said,

    August 23, 2009 at 3:48 am

    so are blueberries really purple?

  8. duffboy said,

    August 23, 2009 at 3:55 am

    Just when you thought Obama could protect you from just about anything… damn you hand sanitizer [shakes fist]!

  9. sleepyjane said,

    August 23, 2009 at 9:52 am

    For real?! No freaking way!

  10. Romi said,

    August 24, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    HAHAHA….classic rant.

    And God, I f**king hate Brand Power!!! You are not “helping me buy better”, you’re helping me buy snobbier, and more brainwashier. Like once there was a Brand Power on “Bic Comfort Grip Pens”…like I’m pretty sure ink is ink is ink….and there are a million pens with rubbery casings…AHHHHHHHH…..

    Okay…got a little off topic there, but ya, getting kids high off hand sanitizer. I am on board :-D

  11. Tag Heuer said,

    August 28, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    My dad is a retired teacher, and I'm friends with a lot of his old teacher friends on Facebook. They were talking about how hand sanitizer had been banned by the school for many years, something I was totally unaware of because as far as I knew my father was still making that shit mandatory if one of those germy kids even thought about approaching his desk. Such a rule breaker, my dad. Anyway, I was pointing out how kids are too over protected these days and they ought to be able to trust 10 year olds with hand sanitizer. Then another teacher piped in that one of her fifth graders had eaten that blue de-icing salt that they use on the playground and had to be rushed to the hospital last year. Okay, perhaps I had a little too much faith in kids after all. It's all that tap water making them stupid.;. All the best!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: